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Author Topic: Sleepwalkers
Lionhunter
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Michael is a lawyer.
Michael killed someone.
Michael begins to see strange things, too weird to be true, too vivid to be just a dream.
This is Michael's descent to darkness.
quote:

ďI object, your honor!Ē
The large courthouse was Michaelís playground, the judge in front of him the referee, and every word that came out the prosecutor had to be treated as a foul. He was surprised himself that he managed to seize this mistake in the prosecutorís logic, with that unending buzz in his ears, which meddled with his thinking about an hour after he took that coke. Michaelís nose tickled his brain, he had this irresistible urge to scratch it, to put his index finger deep down in it, reclaiming some peace. But to do that would mean to lose his poker face, serious, grave and angry at the prosecutor. He stood up, left his chair, but stayed near the defendantís table, not to aggravate the judge, but enough to impose his dominance over the words. And when he


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Devnal
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ďI object, your honor!Ē
The large courthouse was Michaelís playground, the judge in front of him the referee, and every word that came out the prosecutor had to be treated as a foul. (I liked this sentence, great referencing and for some reason the word "foul" really resonated for describing how he has to keep his mindset)He was surprised himself that he managed to seize this mistake in the prosecutorís logic, with that unending buzz in his ears, which meddled with his thinking about an hour after he took that coke.(after such an impressive second sentence, this third one seems very weak. It starts off a bit confusing "He was surprised himself" seems redundant, and the sentence seems too long as it is now. It info is important, i just feel it is being communicated poorly) Michaelís nose tickled his brain, he had this(omit "this" replace with "an") irresistible urge to scratch it, to put his index finger deep down in it, reclaiming some peace. But to do that would mean to lose his poker face,(maybe a semicolon instead of a comma? personal preference only) serious, grave and angry at the prosecutor(I would suggest omitting "at the prosecutor" - seems unecessary). He stood up, left his chair(omit "left his chair"), but stayed near the defendantís table, not to aggravate the judge, but enough to impose his dominance over the words. (this sentence seems a bit long winded as well)And when he


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You seem to have a fondness for the comma! I am the exact same way, but they tend to grow sentences too long. I would suggest maybe trying to lose some of them and create smaller sentences. In the last sentence, the comma's act almost to tell the story in bullet form.

I'm a little iffy about the first sentence "I object, your honor!" I feel that this is not being addressed quickly enough after it is said. Can you work it in later in the 13? closer to when he gets up maybe?

Overall I enjoyed it. I liked the second sentence and it kept me reading. I liked the description of Michael's coke habit and his urge to scratch.

These of course are only my suggestions

[This message has been edited by Devnal (edited November 25, 2009).]


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Lionhunter
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And they are more than welcome.
I have a question: would you say that long sentences are harder to read, or just slower? For example, (and remember, i might be horribly wrong), if i try to establish a slower pace, a longer sentence would make the read slightly slower, allowing the reader to grasp the scene i'm setting up.

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Devnal
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I don't know if harder is the word - maybe confusing. I think everyone reads at there own pace, you can change the pace of the story, but not the pace at which it is read.

The problem with longer sentences is that the beginning of it can get lost by the time you get to the end of it, for example:

"He was surprised himself that he managed to seize this mistake in the prosecutorís logic, with that unending buzz in his ears, which meddled with his thinking about an hour after he took that coke." There's just seems to be so much going on in this one sentence it becomes confusing. By the time i was done this sentence I had to re read it. Cutting it down to more sentences - I think - would make it flow better and get the point across clearer.

EG: Being able to seize the mistake in the prosecutor's logic surprised Michael. The rail he had snorted off the sink in the men's room before court had created an all too familiar buzz in his ears.


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Raider
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"He was surprised himself that he managed to seize this mistake in the prosecutorís logic, with that unending buzz in his ears, which meddled with his thinking about an hour after he took that coke."

I have to agree with the last poster. This sentence needs to be trimmed down, or split into two sentences.

He still had that buzzing in his ears, thanks to the coke he took an hour earlier. Considering those circumstances, it was amazing that he was still able to notice the mistake in the prosecutor's logic.


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ScardeyDog
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I agree with everything Denval said.

Overall, great opening!


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Lionhunter
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Thanks for the input guys. I guess i'll have to check what i've written so far for these ... hmmm, lets say less than good phrases.
It's good to know i've managed to land a nice beginning, though, i only hope that the rest lives up to it Well, back to writing.

[This message has been edited by Lionhunter (edited December 03, 2009).]


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