posted
Here are the first thirteen lines of a high fantasy novel. Tell me what you think.
Yet another draft on the first 13, now from a new perspective:
Nolan Monson first realized something was amiss when he felt a tingling in the back of his mind. He had come to recognize such feelings as his magic warned him of danger. But what was the source?
He took a deep breath and sat up straight on the log beside the cold fire pit. He rested his hands on his knees and closed his eyes. He concentrated on heightening his senses. He felt the rough bark beneath him and the embroidery that covered his vest. The night air was cool and still against his skin. The camp was quiet; his four companions and their horses slept peacefully. Nolan listened carefully for any sounds.
He heard leaves rustling and footsteps; someone was approaching their camp. What man would roam the King’s Forest at this hour of the night?
New attempt based on the feedback:
Leaves rustled. The night air was still, so Briana knew the sound was not caused by the wind. She held her breath, listening, and heard another sound. She picked up her bow and placed an arrow on the string.
As she silently crept to the edge of the clearing, she wondered if she should wake Lon or Nolan. No, she thought, let them sleep. She could handle this. It only sounded like one man out in the woods.
Briana told herself it was not necessarily an assassin. Lon had said poachers sometimes came to this forest, the land claimed by the King of Moray, though poachers were often quite dangerous. Perhaps this man was fleeing from some kind of trouble. Or he might be another assassin trying to kill Lon.
Earlier attempt:
Leaves rustled. Briana sat up straight and stared out into the night. The air was still, so she knew the sound was not from the wind. She held her breath, listening. Footsteps approached. Slowly, Briana reached for the longbow at her side, pulled an arrow from the quiver on her back, and placed the arrow against the string.
In the pale light of the crescent moon high overhead, she saw a bulky shape approaching their small camp, a shadow that hid the stars. He was too short for Nolan, let alone Lon, and too wide for Ruben.
Moonlight reflected off something in his hand, and Briana breathed in sharply as she realized he carried a drawn sword. She lifted her bow and drew back the string, aiming at the center of the dark mass.
[This message has been edited by Emily Palmer (edited January 13, 2010).]
[This message has been edited by Emily Palmer (edited February 12, 2010).]
quote: pulled an arrow from the quiver on her back
So then I wondered if she was sleeping with the quiver still on her back, or if I misread and she was already sitting, she just became more alert.
quote:She lifted her bow and drew back the string
I was trying to picture whether she was about to shoot the bow from a sitting position, or if somewhere in there she stood up.
Posts: 710 | Registered: Oct 2009
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posted
Very good start I’d say. I definitely want to turn the page. I agree with the other comments. Some very minor tweaks in the wording would really give you a better sense of the mood and the character. As a journalist, I try to take each sentence and reword them so that they say more with fewer words. The bow and arrow sentence could read "She drew an arrow and notched it to the bow string." Says the same thing but it is shorter and smoother. The gasp also threw me a bit. She seems very stealthy and smooth, it doesn't quite make sense that she would gasp and give away her position or hint that she knows he is there. Very, very good start though. I like it a lot.
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Leaves rustled. The night air was still, so Briana knew the sound was not caused by the wind. She held her breath, listening. Footsteps approached. Briana drew an arrow and placed it against the bowstring. Silently, she made her way towards the edge of the camp.
In the pale light of the crescent moon high overhead, she saw a bulky shape approaching, his dark shadow hiding the stars. Moonlight reflected off something in his hand. Briana’s breath caught in her throat as she realized he carried a drawn sword.
She drew back the string and aimed at the center of the dark mass. Holding her breath, she released the string. The man fell to the ground with a thud. Instantly, Briana had another arrow ready, but she saw and heard no movement.
It has the workings of an intriguing tale. I am already interested in Briana and why she waits guarded in the darkness, so I would read more.
I do think it needs a shade more fine tuning, however.
Example: "Briana drew an arrow and placed it against the bowstring. Silently, she made her way towards the edge of the camp." can be replaced with: "She nocked an arrow and quietly made her way to the edge of camp." This tells me Briana wields a bow without having to mention one, by the way.
About your tenses. I don't bother myself with whether a story is written in the present or past tense, only that the author be consistent. Example: In the second paragraph you use different tenses "approaching, hiding, reflected, realized, and carried" to name a few. Would this work: In the pale...a bulky shape approached. His dark shadow hid the stars, yet moonlight reflected off something in his hand...
posted
Sweet action! Only tiny details left from the above comment's; She was holding her breath... and then her breath caught. Does she have a way to move silently when the one approaching rustled the leaves? (very minor detials) Things that made me want to read more; the discription of the camp... is she alone or on watch for a group... is the man dead or faking it... is the man alone or on point for his group? Lots of reasons for me to keep reading! Good...
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posted
I'm afraid that it feels very generic and FRP-ish to me - we are apparently in a "camp" (that even has an "edge") and presumably Briana is taking her turn on watch. But we don't get any of her thoughts. Who does she think the intruder might be? Why does she just shoot him outright? OK, he's got a drawn sword, it's entirely possible he is up to no good... but we have no context for that.
However, a first 13 for a novel is different from the first 13 for a short so I am possibly being too harsh here. The writing does seem reasonably smooth. Not sure how your crescent moon is "high overhead" though, since a crescent moon by definition has to be close to the sun - if it is anything resembling high (which it can be, particularly nearer the equator) then the sky will still be twilit.
Oh, and you don't "place an arrow against" a bowstring. You simply nock it - there's a nice ready-made verb out there so no reason not to use it
posted
You're painting a nice picture and there's good suspense that makes me want to keep reading. However, stylistically the phrasing feels a little choppy to me, and having to explain that the night air was still so that wasn't the cause of the rustling leaves feels a little awkward to me. Maybe it's just my preference, though.
I would maybe think about something like this:
"Briana held her breath when she heard leaves rustle nearby."
OR
"The rustling leaves caused Briana to hold her breath, and as she heard footsteps approach, she drew an arrow..."
The point being that I think you can omit the explanation and show the significance by your character's reaction.
posted
Nice start. Tight and tense. I'm not sure a single bow shot would drop someone that cleanly though. Some thrashing around may be in order. Is there an expert in the house?
posted
I feel like you have the start to what could be a very good story. I do agree with the comments that it feels a bit choppy, but that can be smoothed over. The biggest nitpick I have is how does she know she is hearing footsteps before she sees the person. Could it have been an animal or something. And I agree that I want to know why she shot him so quickly. I don't get the sense that she's afraid, so I don't feel like she's expecting to be hunted. I would also ask myself what are the consequences for her shooting this person. If there are no major consequences on the story I would have to ask why its important enough to start with.
Posts: 6 | Registered: Oct 2008
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posted
As to the question of whether an arrow would drop a person, it depends. I'm an avid shooter of longbows, a traditional archery fanatic to be precise. I build bows and hunt with them regularly. Judging from what I know about hunting deer, a shot in the lungs usually results in the deer running away for several yards. One deer I killed ran nearly seventy yards before it collapsed. (If there are any animal rights activists here, sorry in advance) But a heart shot can drop a deer. Also, if the bow is powerful enough, the arrow can sever the spine. If that happens, the deer drops immediately and doesn't move very much at all. Of course, this is deer I'm talking about, but I doubt there's much difference.
[This message has been edited by andersonmcdonald (edited January 09, 2010).]
posted
Just had to add this. It's also possible for an arrow from a powerful bow to pass completely through the animal (or, presumably human.)I've shot heavy hunting arrows completely through both deer and wild boar, although on the boar it was a little far back. That's something you don't see in the movies. I apologize if I've made anyone squeamish.
Posts: 456 | Registered: May 2009
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posted
I suppose I should mention sooner rather than later that Briana's afraid this armed intruder is another assassin trying to kill her friend Lon. And it turns out he is.
Posts: 35 | Registered: Nov 2009
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posted
My fist thought was with tchernabyelo. It's very generic at this point. Additionally, I think the tension of this scene goes out way too quickly. Within the first 13 lines you've resolved what tension you built up with the death of the shadowy figure. Combine those two things, and there's nothing that makes me want to turn the page.
I also have to say my imagery is constantly in flux:
"Leaves rustled." - We're in a forest and something is moving through the underbrush. "Footsteps approached." - Now it's walking on a hard surface. I know that, technically, "footsteps" can refer to walking on anything. However, if it's something that's not solid, there are generally more descriptive adjectives available, so my mind immediately assumes something like a road. "His dark shadow hiding the stars" - Now I'm on the rise of a hill, clear of trees. Some place where Briana has an unobstructed view of the sky and she is looking up at this person so his silhouette can actually do what you describe.
As for the MC herself, there's something that tells me she might be interesting here. In this scene, you have her hunting an intruder with the intent to kill him, and yet when she sees he's armed, her breath gets caught in her throat. I'm picturing in my mind a nervous, green sniper, thrown into battle well before she's ready. So, that's the thing that would keep me reading. However, I'm getting from you last post that this might not be intended.
posted
My little spitfire coming across as a nervous, green sniper? Dang it. Thanks for reminding me that this scene was originally written from a different viewpoint, namely a nervous, very green adventurer.
I will be certain to draw out this scene, but at least I'm still confident that this is the right scene to start this novel. Thanks for the feedback.
I'm putting up a new opening.
[This message has been edited by Emily Palmer (edited January 13, 2010).]
posted
I like the new version a lot better. I'm not getting inconsistent images in my head anymore.
One tiny suggestion: remove "Briana told herself it was not necessarily an assassin." I think it is more powerful if you rely on the final sentence ("Or he might be another assassin trying to kill Lon.") to bring the main plot in.
posted
Nice job. Just one comment and one suggestion.
Briana seems a little nervous ("green," as mentioned above), yet her woodcraft is very good, better than the intruder's - she can move silently, and the intruder can't. That's fine as long as you're intending it.
I like narrative that gives an insight into people's thought processes, so I like how Briana builds up the possible roles of the intruder. I agree with JSchuler about dropping the "not necessarily an assassin" sentence, and I'd suggest reordering the roles from least to most harmless to indicate her growing worry: man fleeing (probably not dangerous), poacher (possibly dangerous), assassin (definitely dangerous).
Your re-write, was more suspenseful of the person in the forest and the protagonist creeping and trying to not make a sound.
Your first example demonstrated the type of reaction you would have waking up to hearing a noise in the forest. This one inferred danger, or panic, your re-write inferred a character who wasn't exactly panicking but just 'checking out the noise'.
posted
After much deliberation and consideration of where this story is headed, I've decided Briana might not be the best viewpoint character for this scene. I'm switching to Nolan.
Posts: 35 | Registered: Nov 2009
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posted
I like the Nolan viewpoint. We find out right away that he has some type of magic and wonder whether it drives his enhanced sensitivity. The rustling leaves give us suspense, and the fact he hears footsteps supports his conclusion it's a person (maybe a man).
Some minor suggestions. I had a slight problem parsing the second sentence. If I'm understanding it correctly, I'd suggest saying "warning him of danger" instead of "warned him of danger."
In the second paragraph, the four "he <did something>'s" in a row start sounding a bit repetitive. The content is good.
If you wanted to pare, you could probably drop the sentence about him listening carefully. With the description of his heightened senses, it flows very naturally into him hearing the leaves and footsteps even if you leave the listening sentence out.
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