Luthain, Second of the Faleen Dre’Gothe, a dark angel of authority and power, though his rank was confined to the lower ether and his might limited to influence and deception. He, like all Faleen Dre’Gothe was now confined to walk in the midst of humanity, to strike at the heel of the Eternal for all of time, constrained within the bounds of physicality, time and distance yet still existed as an immortal being. For one who had once walked freely in the City of Light and thrived joyously in the service of the Eternal King, such a paltry existence was beyond torment. The chains of which were far weightier than the very fabric of the mountain where he stood. His eyes were turned toward the south, scanning the depth and breadth of the massive and ancient kingdom of Cairistonia, the human stronghold of the Eternal King.
I hope I did the 13-line rule correctly. The opening is about a character who has very little actual interaction with the story. He sets things in motion and shows up a few times to really screw things up. This is not a 'religious' book, but the heroine is a Paladin of sorts. The story line becomes clear just after the above section and the prologue is short. Ch1 begins with the two main characters in action.
EDIT: see changes below...
[This message has been edited by dougsguitar (edited December 14, 2009).]
posted
It's very Christian in its feel with its talk of fallen angels and Eternal King and so forth.
I'm afraid the grammar does need work. The first sentence has no verb, it's more a cpation to a picture than an actual sentence. The second, once you unentangle the various sub-clauses, says "He .. was now confined .. yet still existed as an immortal being" which is actually correct but it is very hard to read through the flow of it because of the sub-clauses. It's a 43-word sentence. Try reading aloud and see how blu ein the face you get
In the second paragraph, likewise, your second sentence is another verbless one, it's a sub-clause of the first - by all means use two sentences to avoid another 43-worder, but restructure them in some way so it flows more smoothly.
"His eyes were turned" is very passive - did he turn them himself? I assume you mean it as a description, but "He was facing" or "He was looking" willdo just fine.
If the work continues in this vein, I suspect it is why you were recommended for a "stylistic rewrite".
posted
tchernabyelo, Thanks for the comments. The book doesn't continue in this vein at all, but the comment has helped me see something else. I'm not so sure this prologue even belongs. I wrote it much later. The original first scene is very straightforward and right into the flow of things. Also I don't intend to convey such a strong religious context right in your face at the very first. Some of the characters are very spiritual, most are not. The two main characters are Sisters of an order, one the warrior the other one the healer/seerer. After reading your comment and thinking about it for a while I believe I should eliminate the prologue(the single worst part of the book... blink, blink) and start with Chapter One. I'm not afraid to cut stuff... I'll tell ya! I can easily work the prologue info into a short conversation between the two main characters.
What is the 13-line rule for posting a different submission. If I don't intend to publish the prologue it shouldn't matter; yes, no... maybe?
posted
Post as many revisions as you want, but either be it prologue or chapter, they must be only 13 lines.
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dougsguitar
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posted
Okay drop the prologue and start here;
She was cold! The wind whipping through the trees was a solemn reminder of the resilience of a winter that simply refused to abate. A short false spring had brought all manner of new growth to the forest, only to be shocked by a return of the icy northern winds. The stark grayness of morning weighed on Siruis where she stood hidden and quiet at the edge of the woods. She was watching the prone figure of a man lying at the side of the road just ahead.
Her feet ached. They had been on the road for months and her shoes were almost as worn as her patience, making it difficult to fully focus on the details of the scene ahead. She felt hidden trouble afoot. Something just did not feel right.
He appeared to be an unfortunate victim of local bandits, bound hands and feet.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited December 14, 2009).]
quote: She was cold! The wind whipping through the trees was a solemn reminder of the resilience of a winter that simply refused to abate.i like this A short false spring had brought all manner of new growth to the forest, only to be shocked by a return of the icy northern winds.the growth was shocked? The stark grayness of morning weighed on Siruiscut this sentence here where she stood hidden and quiet at the edge of the woods. She was watching the prone figure of a man lying at the side of the road just ahead.
Her feet ached. They had been on the road for months and her shoes were almost as worn as her patience, making it difficult to fully focus on the details of the scene ahead. She felt hidden trouble afooti'm not sure about this expression aswell, then again english isn't my first lang, so maybe it's just me. Something just did not feel right.
He appeared to be an unfortunate victim of local bandits, bound hands and feet.
Yes, it's more clear than the prologue, and for me, a lil' more interesting.
[This message has been edited by Lionhunter (edited December 15, 2009).]
It does manage to mix a slight overuse of adjectives with a fairly generic set of images - you are telling me things like "forest" and "road" and "man" without any real detail or differentiation os I am not really getting any picture in my mind. It's a difficult balance, though, to describe on the one hand, and avoid floridity on the other. However there are measures you can take - more precise noun and verb usage.
I'm guessing that "They" in the second paragraph means Sirius and her companions, but coming immediately after "Her feet ached" it actually reads for a moment as if the "they" is her feet. Possibly true, but I think you want to avoid the ambiguity.
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