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Hi Ya'll, Wow it's hard to believe that it has been three and a half months since I first posted here. I took some time to study more on this craft of writing. I read OSC's Characters and Viewpoint and How to Write Science Fiction and Fantasy. I then rewrote my book two point three times. I think now (again) I'm done until I can get some in depth feedback. At this point I suffer from too-close-itis. My novel is a Sword and Sorcery tale about a world of gladiatorial conquest. It is just under one hundred and eleven thousand words long. I will appreciatively accept any help offered. Here is another try at my opening that seems to more clearly describe the scene in my head. What do you think? Take Five!
Lightning formed into a sizzling ball and slowly sank. It exploded among barren rock beneath the starless void. As the concussions reverberated into bedrock the overpowering glare waned, died. And there was life. Slowly it stirred, lifted its head. The coal-black skin, as flawless as a newborn, slowly dried. Slick, wavy hair lay close to his scalp; just as dark but with a subtle sheen. His were hard features; a twisted parody of man’s with razor teeth and tusks rising from a snarl. Glory be to Mother, he thought. I’m whole again; and free. Eternal praise be Thine! he shouted in his mind; from his heart. Explosive fury drove him to his feet as "CHAAAA!" exploded from the depths of his soul. It was both his name and a challenge to all living things. But no one heard.
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Looks interesting. I would like to see more when you are ready. I do question the "drying slowly" comment. It seems out of pace with everything else.
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Glory be to Mother, he thought. I’m whole again; and free. Eternal praise be Thine! he shouted in his mind; from his heart.
I felt this was a little awkward. Imagine the thoughts recast as dialogue (with quotes) and the doubling up of [he thought ... he shouted in his mind] seems only necessary because this internal monologue is not separated from the rest of the narration as a paragraph. So I just wonder how much of the [he shouted in his mind; from his heart] is necessary. I'd probably not have been bothered were it a paragraph of its own: [Glory be to Mother, he thought. I'm whole again; and free. Eternal praise be Thine!]
The "CHAAAA!" seemed a little ... offputting.
I'm not sure I have time for critting a full novel at present, however if you shoot me a synopsis and a partial (first chapter, say), I'll take a squizz.
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Lighting "slowly sank." Um, what? I had to read it wondering if "Lightning" even meant lightning. Because lightning is as fast as . . . well, lightning.
The use of commas made it seem rather slow and jerky to me, almost hesitant.
I agree with the others about the "CHAAA!" It didn't sound like a name to me, just a scream. If it was a scream.
So what I see happening: Lightning strikes and a monstrous thing called CHAAAA rises from the earth.
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Lou, Not much to add to these good comments... I got two distinct personality impressions from the character. He seems like a being able to have intelligent thoughts... smart like. But with creature-like attributes, mentally, like he is a thinker who has trouble forming coherent words. The book is a big'un so the first 13 could be deceptive... for the point I make. The picture you placed in my very active imagination is coooool! I would definitely read the next few pages if I was standing in a bookstore...
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