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Interstellar travel will make you crazy.

It is not a function of the claustrophobic accommodations, or the limited options for companionship. The fact that you are forbidden from contacting the outside doesn’t enter into it. In the end, it all comes down to the wake, and the wake, if untreated, will eat your brain.

Rio Samada secured the imager to her head. She had grown quite proficient at giving herself examinations. She discovered she was a model patient. That was good, as the lockdown prevented her from seeking out better company.

Rio thought, and the wall lit up. Why did she accept this job? Neurons flared like a line of firecrackers, slowed down a million times and displayed on the wall: a question given form.

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Two weeks in this tin can, it was starting to smell. The radiation coil for laundry services broke down a couple days in. Water recycling was operating at half efficiency. Rio figured the air filtration system hadn’t been serviced in decades, and there was no option to crack a window. She had no problems breathing, so someone must have spent money on the CO2 scrubbers. Still, who knew what would break next. Rio started keeping her pressure suit with her at all times, and she wasn’t the only one. Some never took theirs off.

If this ended badly, would people risk their necks to pick over their remains a hundred years from now? How many laws would they break for the privilege? Rio liked the symmetry in the thought, though she doubted this ship would be anything more

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Turbulence happens all the time in the vacuum of space. It was probably just a bird; they’re frozen out here so they hit harder. Rio Samada laughed with the rest of the passengers. The jokes kept their minds distracted.

Normally, they would have welcomed the excitement. Running dark, for all the romantic imagery, was boring. Forbidden from communicating with the outside and unable to see where they were going, they were little different than prisoners with kind wardens. It was bad enough without having to worry about things that go bump in the night. Still, it did spare Rio from listening to another mind-numbing conversation about the evolution of ethnies among Pioneer populations.

Then the order came down: all passengers return to quarters.

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Turbulence happens all the time in the vacuum of space. It was probably just a bird; they’re frozen out here so they hit harder. Rio Samada laughed with the rest of the passengers. The jokes kept their minds distracted. For now, they were fine. The worst injury among them was a bruised elbow. Let me help. She can kiss it and make it feel better. Childish, but they laughed anyway, anything to prevent them from wondering why the crew was so frantic. Then the order came down: all passengers return to quarters. The laughter stopped. Like a good soldier, Rio did what she was told, and then she waited. When the wounded were recovered, they knew where to find her.
Her room was not one of the cramped closets that others had been assigned.

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Would you read further?

I'm also concerned about the formatting here. I like having the dialog here stripped of its independence and collapsed into the single paragraph, but I don't know if it makes it too hard to follow.

Currently the chapter is at 2k, maybe half-written. If anyone is interested in reviewing the first draft when finished, please let me know.

[This message has been edited by JSchuler (edited January 14, 2010).]

[This message has been edited by JSchuler (edited January 17, 2010).]

For some reason, and I've been trying and failing to put my finger on it, the sentence Childish, but ... so frantic. doesn't sit well with me. I'm not sure what it is -- it might be the last part, wondering why the crew was so frantic. Maybe if that were direct? I'll try and pin that down and get back to you. Sorry I'm so vague!

I think the dialogue is fine as is -- it's a little indirect, but it helps to paint the scene as a whole, instead of breaking it down into pieces. It's easier to imagine the passengers all at once instead of one specific passenger interacting with a few specific others. For an intro, I think that's a good thing, but it's definitely a stylistic choice that doesn't last long -- maybe once she's in her cabin, switch to more direct dialogue?

The only (somewhat nitpicky) thing I'd want to correct about that is the pronoun difference between Let me help and [/i]She can kiss and make it better[/i]. If you think of those two lines as one person saying it and another responding, it makes total sense, but the way it's written, it seems (at least to me) like someone is saying both, which'd throw that second part into third person, and that's a little confusing.

The hook of a beat up/run down crew in space is tenuous, but it's there. I think a spaceship crew, especially a military one, is a hard sell, but I'd probably keep reading. I do like that you manage to describe this scene without ever directly saying "They are a crew and they are in a ship in space," if you know what I mean.

Rio Samada is a great name.

[This message has been edited by D2 (edited January 13, 2010).]

Did they hit a bird in space? Who is kissing elbows?

"When the wounded were recovered, they knew where to find her"
What does this mean? It's just thrown in there, and doesn't really make sense, especially when earlier we are told the worst injury was a bruised elbow. Are we talking about something else? this needs to be clearer.

Is Rio actually a soldier? she seems to display very un-soldier like qualities.(laughing, kissing elbows, etc.)

If by dialogue you mean the "Let me help. She can kiss it and make it feel better." I didnt even realize it was dialogue until i read the comments; I had figured it was a disjointed thought of Rio's. I can't really see anything else here that would be considered dialogue.

Unlike D2, I would have almost rather you said "They are a crew and they are in a ship in space." because I would understand what was going on. As is, I think Rio IS in space, but I don't think she is part of the crew.

- a world where frozen birds float in space (Why? Did some disaster happen? I'm not suggesting you answer those questions. Just saying it's good to raise such questions in people's minds.)
- the protagonist is special because she rates a larger room and people will apparently seek her out

If you could incorporate a little more information on what the book was about in these lines (e.g., does the ship or Rio have some mission? Are the people refugees? Passengers on a luxury liner? Pioneers?), that would help make me want to read further.

The embedded dialog isn't working for me. I can only guess at what it might be. Maybe the pronoun confusion D2 refers to is due to it?

You're probably using "like a good soldier" as a simile since you imply Rio is a passenger: "Rio Samada laughed with the rest of the passengers." But since we know so little about her at this point, it might be literal, as Devnal points out. So I'd rephrase that.

Using passive ("when the wounded were recovered") makes me envision people recovering the wounded, that is, going out and gathering some other wounded people, especially since you've said that the passengers weren't particularly hurt. But I'm guessing you want to refer to the passengers, meaning something like "after the wounded recovered." I agree with Devnal that you should clarify that.

[This message has been edited by Nagrom (edited January 14, 2010).]

The new second paragraph works much better for me in setting the scene and my expectations. I like it.

Turbulence happens all the time in the vacuum of space.(not sure If I believe this; shouldn't a vacuum be void of turbulence? my understanding is that turbulence is due to changes in pressure, etc. I'm no scientist though) It was probably just a bird; they’re frozen out here so they hit harder.(This sentence didn't really make sense to me the first time, but now I see it as probably dialogue, im guessing someone, or Rio herself, is saying it. I would like to see someway to discern your dialogue though. I think you should do dialogue normally, but at the very least, italicized) Rio Samada laughed with the rest of the passengers. The jokes kept their minds distracted.
Normally,(no comma) they would have welcomed the excitement. Running dark, for all the romantic imagery, was boring(I really liked this sentence). Forbidden from communicating with the outside and unable to see where they were going, they were little different than prisoners with kind wardens(another good one). It was bad enough without having to worry about things that go bump in the night (didn't like this sentence so much. I would suggest saying its a nervous laugh that Rio shares with the passengers and then leave this part out altogether. By this time im already over the whole turbulence thing). Still, it did spare Rio from listening to another mind-numbing conversation about the evolution of ethnies among Pioneer populations.

Then the order came down: all passengers return to quarters.

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I really do like your summaries of my lines. So, let me put a couple questions to you:

The issue you have with "the order came down": does that image annoy you in any way? I could make it more specific, but for the purposes of my story, it doesn't actually matter how it comes down, whether through a handwritten note or telepathy. It's something I'm comfortable letting people fill in as they wish.

What if I changed the word "Pioneer" with something less generic. Grasping for a random term, let's say I rewrote that as "among Alvinite populations." How would that shape your interpretation?

I would Keep pioneer. I know what a pioneer is and it shapes what Rio is and where she is going and why; a lot of questions are answered and possibilities are opened with it.

Alvinite Populations would make me scratch my head. I'd stress that you should leave Pioneer in there.

Unless im totally off base with who and what Rio is; and if I am it makes the sentence (and the mind-numbing conversation) much less important and MUCH less interesting.

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(not sure If I believe this; shouldn't a vacuum be void of turbulence? my understanding is that turbulence is due to changes in pressure, etc. I'm no scientist though)

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I'm partially in agreement with Devnal here, because I too was thrown off by your use of the word turbulence as an effect in space. This could only be true if Rio's ship is in the vicinity of a star and solar wind was causing the turbulence:

http://www.space.com/scienceastronomy/070102_turbulence.html

Of course, being that I am kept unaware of where the ship is as is Rio, I am left to assume that a star is nearby enough to cause the turbulence and would wait for later details on the science to emerge confirming this. If none do I'd probably put the book down at that point, but not now.

Bad move on my part. The first thing you do when writing sci-fi is ask the audience for a willing suspension of disbelief, and my first sentence wants their disbelief intact. Even if it was clearly dialog, I think this problem would still persist.

I like the third opening. My only problem with it is being in second person. It pulls me away from the story because I feel like I am being spoken to, or even preached at. I originally had written opening part for Anger in second person, but realized the same thing when I read it out loud, so I changed it to third person.

Intersteller travel made her crazy.

It was not a function of the claustrophobic accommodations, or the limited options for companionship. The fact that she was forbidden from . . .

See what I mean?

Also, this draws me into the story more because I am identifying with how someone else feels.

Perhaps combine the first two sentences to avoid three sentences starting with a noun.

Rio Samada secured the imager to her head, which was easy having grown quite proficient at giving herself examinations.

Also, I think that combines the two ideas more so.

First revision is harder to tell how far along in time we are, but that it has something to do with ethnicity of colonizers. This ends with more indication that something bad is about to happen.