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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Books » Fantasy: Illusions of the Nalokine, Chapter 1

   
Author Topic: Fantasy: Illusions of the Nalokine, Chapter 1
Nagrom
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Chapter 1 takes place in a very different place and time from the prologue, so I'm posting the first 13 lines from it, too.

Revision 2

_Thwack!_ Mark had a lot of pent up frustration, and it felt good to smash the ball. It hugged the right wall as it headed towards the front. Yep, much better than smashing his fist into a wall. No illusion ability, no influencing, no shapeshifting. Nalokine always started exhibiting their special talents at puberty, and he was close to ten years past that.
His brother Eric tried to get the ball as it bounced back, but Mark blocked his path. Eric shared his no-talent status, as did their sister Nicole. It didnít seem to bother Eric, though. Nothing bothered him for long.
Eric sighed. "Okay. Your game again." Ericís curly blonde hair, sparkling blue eyes, and easygoing personality contrasted with his own dark brown hair and eyes and serious demeanor.

Revision 1

_Thwack!_ Mark smashed the ball along the right wall towards the front. He had a lot of pent up frustration. No illusion ability, no influencing, no shapeshifting. Nalokine always started exhibiting their special talents at puberty, and he was close to ten years past that.
His brother Eric tried to get the ball as it bounced back, but Mark blocked his path. Eric shared his no-talent status, as did their sister Nicole. It didnít seem to bother Eric, though. Nothing bothered him for long.
Eric sighed. "Okay. Your game again." Ericís curly blonde hair, sparkling blue eyes, and easygoing personality contrasted with his own dark brown hair and eyes and serious demeanor. They were both physically fit, using the university athletic....

Original

_Thwack!_ Mark smashed the ball towards the front; it flew parallel to the right wall of the court, almost kissing it. His shot drew his brother Eric off the "T" in center court toward the right to pick up the return, and Mark claimed the strategic spot for himself. He was stressed out, feeling inadequate, and taking it out on his prankster brother usually helped.

There was only just over a month left until graduation, and it looked like another milestone would pass with no sign of the special mental powers that were his birthright as a Nalokine. Classes could be better, too. He was pretty good with languages, and taking a first year Chinese course this year sounded fun, but he was struggling with it.

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited January 22, 2010).]

[This message has been edited by Nagrom (edited January 23, 2010).]

[This message has been edited by Nagrom (edited January 26, 2010).]

[This message has been edited by Nagrom (edited January 26, 2010).]

[This message has been edited by Nagrom (edited January 26, 2010).]


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MAP
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I don't think this is the right place to begin. Playing Tennis(?) isn't that interesting of a start and his internal monologue doesn't present enough of a conflict to draw my interest. I suggest thinking of a new place to start.

Good Luck!


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Nagrom
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I've posted a first revision that tries to ratchet down the game description and increase the focus on Mark's frustration. I wanted a physical outlet for that frustration, but I agree that the original version had the wrong balance.

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simoncake
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The revision certainly sticks better and draws me in a little more. Its focus definitely seems the Character(s) and his (their) conflict(s), not a tennis lesson

Great Rev...


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babooher
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I agree with MAP. This seems an odd place to start.

You've introduced a conflict, the late blooming (or never blooming) status of the siblings, but I don't know why I should care. Also, is there a reason the protagonist thinking about this during tennis?

Or maybe I just don't like tennis.


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Nagrom
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Thanks simoncake and babooher. I've made another slight revision to make it clearer why the protagonist is doing something physical to help ease his frustration. As simoncake said, I think the first revision moved the focus from the game to the conflict, and I hope this one explains why he's being physical right now.


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