Thanks for any feedback in advance.

My heavy lidded eyes opened slowly, but after a few blinks I could make out a sickly yellow light flickering somewhere above me. Reaching out I felt the cold, damp wall beside me, the rough stone curved upward into shadows above me and stretched several feet in both directions before fading into the gloom. Shivering, I took a step forward and the sound of water around my ankles startled the silence. Why did I not notice the water before? It was almost like my body was coming online, one piece at a time.

My heart deafened me as I looked for clues along the corridor. Where was I? More importantly, how do I get out? The familiar panic started to build. Shaking my head to clear my mind only made me dizzy. As I closed my eyes and took a few deep breaths to calm myself, I heard a distant splashing down the tunnel. I

This is more of a personal thing than anything, but I really cringe when I see these type of beginnings. The "I woke up in a strange place" is so cliche and is hard to do well; it just screams amateur at me. However, if you're going to do it, then I suggest starting with the second part of the second paragraph "Where was I? More importantly, how do I get out? The familiar panic started to build. ..." That's the point were the story seemed to settle and start for me. Of course, now you're beginning the scene with an internal voice speaking to itself, and that will make other people cringe and complain!

"My heavy lidded eyes" -- how often do people describe themselves using these type of adjectives? This line sounds unnatural. If I talk about myself, I might talk about my eyes, but I will never talk about my "heavy lidded eyes". To be honest, I was a little bit turned off after this point. Sorry.

In the first paragraph you make a comment about having a sickly yellow light above you, then go on to say that the rough stone curves into shadows above you. These statements seem at odds; there's either a light or there's shadow above you, not likely to be both.

I don't understand what "startled the silence" means. I might be startled, or you might be startled, but how is silence startled?

I do agree with dropbear that you are starting in the wrong place, but your writing definitely does not scream amateur. I do suggest starting closer to the action, and give us a bit more of the who, what, why, and where of the situation. Maybe start with the splashing behind the character. That is interesting. I wish for a name for the character, or a gender. Have you considered switching to third?

This line "It was almost like my body was coming online, one piece at a time." is the hook for me, but are you talking about in your mind, or in actuality. Characters should be living before the story starts.

Good luck with it.
~Sheena

Ok, I agree about the cliche part too. I'll work on that some more. Maybe it will work to cut out the opening of the eyes altogether like you suggested, and I need to describe the light better. It is a single bulb hanging on a long cord. So the shadows hide the ceiling, but there is the dim light closer to where she is. (adding to my revision list)

Shimiqua, I'm probably doing a big no no, but my book is first person for Talia and 3rd for everything else. Originally it was all third, but I was able to get inside Talia's head better when I switched. I have thought about going back to third now that I've heard her voice, we will see.

[This line "It was almost like my body was coming online, one piece at a time." is the hook for me, but are you talking about in your mind, or in actuality. Characters should be living before the story starts.]

I'm not sure I understood what you were asking, but I was thinking that her sensory perceptions were "coming online" one at a time. That general waking up and not noticing everything at once, but one thing adding upon the other. Sight in a dream like silence and then the sound rushing in, followed by feeling cold.

So why not write that?

I forget to do this a lot to, but some of the best advice I ever heard was to write the first draft like you are telling a story to a friend sitting next to you. See if you were doing that, you would have mentioned the bulb hanging from a long cord.

I also agree with starting with her doing something besdis opening her eyes.

I love examples, so I always try to give them.

A single bulb dangled from a chord that disappeared into the shadows above my head. The sickly yellow light barely cut the gloom of the hallway. Clinging to the cold, stone wall beside me, I took a step forward and the sound of water around my ankles broke the silence. My heart pounded in my ears as I looked down and noticed the six inches of water. How did I miss that? My senses slowly registered my surroundings piece by piece bringing the familiar panic to the surface. As I closed my eyes and took a few deep breaths to calm myself, I heard a distant splashing from down the tunnel. I quickly pressed myself into the wall, trying to sink farther into the shadows as the sound grew louder and the water around my bare ankles began to ripple.

[This message has been edited by CharityBradford (edited February 17, 2010).]