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A single bulb dangled from a cord that disappeared into the shadows above my head. The sickly yellow light barely cut the gloom of the hallway. Clinging to the stone wall, I took a step forward and the sound of water broke the silence. My heart pounded in my ears as I looked down and noticed the water almost reached the edge of my skirt. How did I miss that? Closing my eyes, I took a few deep breaths to calm myself. A distant splashing from farther down the tunnel caught my attention. I quickly pressed myself into the wall, trying to sink farther into the shadows as the sound grew louder and the water around my bare legs began to ripple.

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Blinking did not make the darkness lighter. Reaching out my hand, I touched cold stone, feeling the damp roughness of it as little bits of earth flaked off. The sound of water slapping against the wall surprised me as I ventured a step forward. My heart pounded in my ears as I strained to see the water that I could now feel around my calves. Starting at my waist, I ran my fingers down the length of my skirt to my knees, then down a few more inches until they reached the water. Where was I? A splashing in the distance caught my attention and the dim glow of a light began to reveal a tunnel carved out of the earth. I pressed myself into the wall, trying to sink farther into the shadows as the sound grew louder and the water around my bare legs began to ripple.

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Version 3

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Blinking did not make the darkness lighter. Reaching out I touched sandstone, feeling the damp roughness of it as little bits of earth flaked off. I ventured a step forward, moving the freezing water around my legs so that it lapped softly against the wall. The only other sound was my racing heart and the pressing silence. Exhaustion, frustration and dread settled in my bones and the tears threatened to spill. At least I knew it would be over soon.

The splashing started in the distance and a dim glow of light began to reveal the tunnel. I knew it was pointless, but I instinctively searched for somewhere to hide. As the water around my bare legs began to ripple, I pressed myself into the wall and hoped the shadows would be enough to save me this time.

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Version 4

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Blinking did not make the darkness lighter. Reaching out, I felt the damp roughness of sandstone as little bits of earth flaked off. When I stepped forward the water around me lapped softly against the wall. The gentle sound faded into the darkness. My heart pounded uncomfortably, and a sob escaped my lips before I could stop it. I clenched my fingers into a fist, willing my hands to stop shaking. Death lurked in the gloom and it searched for me.

I heard splashing in the distance and a dim glow of light began to reveal the tunnel around me. I instinctively searched for somewhere to hide as the water around my bare legs began to ripple. The rough walls offered no safety, but I pressed myself against one and hoped the shadows would be enough to save me this time.

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[This message has been edited by CharityBradford (edited March 05, 2010).]

[This message has been edited by CharityBradford (edited March 12, 2010).]

[This message has been edited by CharityBradford (edited March 12, 2010).]

In the second sentence you refer to the "gloom of the hallway." Later you mention splashing "farther down the tunnel." It needs to be consistent unless reality is warping or this is a dream. If so then things are not weird enough.

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the sound of water broke the silence.

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...noticed the water almost reached the edge of my skirt.

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...the water around my bare legs began to ripple.

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I think there's duplication. For example, if you made a copy of this opening, then cut down the sentences to a bare bare minimum, I think you might find duplicate sentences, or sentences saying the same thing.

Then reassemble them in a good order, add some color, and you could get the same effect in half the number of words. Also, remember mystic and mystery, the reader doesn't have to be told everything to get the feeling you are trying to create.

I think you've got a good start to whatever the story line will turn out to be. Good going.

And good luck, Bob.

The prose was very vivid and clear to me. There is clearly something going on with the water in the house, perhaps a flood, or a child in the bathtub, and the splashing she heard in the darkness that the bulb's light couldn't abate. Sounded like a dark creepy thing heading towards her. A great hook and opening scene.

The only thing that made me pause was the phrase about the "skirt." In my mind-view it was knee-length, but obviously it was floor-length. That caused the briefest of pauses where my brain worked out the difference. That's all I could find.

As far as tone or mood, I sensed hints of darkness and tragedy and the narrator's voice of a solemn everyday woman telling her tale. But why was she standing in the hallway. Was she disoriented?

Overall great job.

Let us know if there are specific questions you have - like what you wanted the reader to see and feel when reading it.

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A single bulb dangled from a cord that disappeared into the shadows above my head. (you can cut "above my head". If the bulb is dangling, we assume it is dangling from the ceiling) The sickly yellow (I think you can cut yellow too) light barely cut the gloom of the hallway. Clinging to the stone wall, I took a step forward and the sound of water (yeah, you need to be more specific on what sound she is hearing. This makes a big difference in the tension, rush of water vs. a trickle) broke the silence. My heart pounded in my ears as I looked down and noticed the water almost reached the edge of my skirt.(The length of the skirt makes a difference too, ankle or mini or somewhere in between) How did I miss that? Closing my eyes, I took a few deep breaths to calm myself. A distant splashing from farther down the tunnel caught my attention. I quickly (cut quickly it adds nothing) pressed myself into the wall, trying to sink farther into the shadows as the sound grew louder and the water around my bare legs began to ripple.

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That is all I got. Hope it helps.

A dim yellow bulb may feel oppressive and set the stage for a murky environment, but it is going to make disappearing into or hiding in shadows a real pain in the rear end. There's a reason those kinds of lights are common in residential street lighting: they don't contract your irises, so you can still see into relatively unlit areas.

The whole skirt thing was added because someone who read the whole chapter pointed out that they did not know if it was a man or woman in the story. It is a knee length business skirt and the water is almost to her knees.

I'll work on it today and repost something later.

Anyway,

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Let us know if there are specific questions you have - like what you wanted the reader to see and feel when reading it.

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I want the reader to feel the tension and Talia's confusion and then her fear. I know that is hard to get into the first paragraph, so as long as it is started I think I'm happy. For today at least. LOL.

This is a dream, my MC has prophetic dreams in which she always dies. However, I have learned on Hatrack that starting with "eyes opening" and all that is cliche and should be avoided, but the book is filled with these dreams so I'm doing it anyway. I've been trying to make it interesting in as non cliched a way I can, but it is so hard! Then last week I was hit with the "is this a male of female?" and wanted to cry. How did I miss that?

Imagine yourself waking up in the dark having gone to sleep in your bed. Would you slowly reach out towards a wall then slowly trace your legs down to find where the water starts (even though you should be able to feel it already given your legs are bare)? Is blinking the first reflex you have when you suddenly feel cold water at your feet?

Since the first 13 is supposed to capture the interest of the reader, my recommendation would be to try to start with something more visceral or urgent in the tone of the narrative. Just off the top of my head:

"The splash of cold water against my thighs startled me and I tried to step away only to find my legs leaden in the deep water. The world slid as I felt myself fall and I failed out to catch a hold of something -- anything -- in the dark abyss only to feel my hand slip across a rough and grimy stone wall..."

Something like that. Bring the POV character's senses to the front of the narrative to allow the reader to feel whats going on instead of having it described for them.

Given your premise, I'd recommend reading 'Running with the Demon' by Terry Brooks. Examine at how Brooks handles his John Ross character. He is also dreaming of the future he wishes to avoid coming to pass, and the novel also begins with one of his dreams before returning to the present to tell its story.

From previous posts I know this is a dream. Even so, something just isn't sitting right by me with the calf deep water catching you by surprise. I think that the surprise should come with the unknown splashing in the distance.

I'm also not sure that the line where you run your hands down your legs to the water is necessary since you just mentioned that you were in calf deep water.

I really dug the description of the cold stone of the tunnel..totally set the mood for me

Speaking of mood, I'm wondering if your MC should cast about for somewhere to hide and finding none before pressing herself up against the wall.

Overall, I like the mood you set. I'd keep reading.

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Given your premise, I'd recommend reading 'Running with the Demon' by Terry Brooks. Examine at how Brooks handles his John Ross character. He is also dreaming of the future he wishes to avoid coming to pass, and the novel also begins with one of his dreams before returning to the present to tell its story.

Hope this is helpful.

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Thanks Tempest. I'll check this book out. I think I'm trying to do too many things in the first 13 lines, and I agree it isn't working quite the way I want it too.

On to the nits. Here is what I thoughted as I read it:

Blinking did not make the darkness lighter.
I love this line. Great hook, and much more clever than "it was dark." This set the tone for the rest of the paragraph. Absolutely brilliant. Keep it in every version!

Reaching out my hand, I touched cold stone, feeling the damp roughness of it as little bits of earth flaked off.
So... I'm thinking he is in a cave here.
This would be a good place to add detail. Instead of "stone" try, "granite" for specifics. Oh wait, it crumbles off... how bout "shale" or "sandstone??"

The sound of water slapping against the wall surprised me as I ventured a step forward.
Does the step cause the sound? 'Cause that is how I read it. You've started with one sense, sight. Then you added a tactile sensation (cold/damp/rough stone). Now you are adding auditory. If one has no sight, auditory is usually the next most powerful sense to the environment. How did the water sound? Did it lap? Was it a crushing wave? And how come you didn't notice it before?

My heart pounded in my ears
This seemed a little less potent than your previous descriptions. I know you are trying to imply that you felt the pulse pounding your temples, but it didn't seem to fit with the rest...

as I strained to see the water that I could now feel around my calves.
Wait? Where'd the water come from? I had to reread here to see if you stumbled into it, or if it was a wave, or if the cavern is slowly filling with water and now its up yer ankles... Also, this is another good spot for adding detail. How was the water? Frigid? Full of muck? Home to leeches?

Starting at my waist, I ran my fingers down the length of my skirt to my knees, then down a few more inches until they reached the water.
I didn't like this. It seemed out of place. What was you reaching for? Skin on ankles can sense as well as fingers. Maybe you could fix it with a paragraph break?

Where was I?
This is where I had a jolt from my suspension of disbelief. How come you don't know where you are? I can think of a hundred situations of being lost in a cave, or a mineshaft, or a sewer, or whatnot. But all of them would involve knowing how I got there, even if I don't know how to get out. If its an amnesia thing or a waking up thing, it is usually a better idea to tell what the last thing the MC does remember.

A splashing in the distance caught my attention and the dim glow of a light began to reveal a tunnel carved out of the earth. I pressed myself into the wall, trying to sink farther into the shadows as the sound grew louder and the water around my bare legs began to ripple.
Ok. Now something is happening. You are sensing a new thing (light and a new sound - the water should have rippled when your foot went in...)

I see the makings of something great here, but it starts strong and gets weaker. I know it isn't customary to give feedback based on re-writing recommendations instead of our reactions to it, but I can't help myself. This is exactly the type of writing I love.

So, (realizing, of course, I don't know your story. I have no idea why the MC is in a cave... or mine shaft... or alien vessel... or whatever... but I'd keep reading long enough to find out!) here is what I would do: I would bring out the sensations the MC is experiencing, showing this frigid dark cave. I'd hunt for power words to pack as much detail of this in each sentence as possible without getty wordy. I would add in the emotions of your MC. The heart pounding implied fear, but I'd bring that out more forcefully, too. Then, when the event happens (someone approaches) I would contrast each sensation with the new one (dark vs. light, quiet vs. sound or whatever) and show the next emotion - the fear getting stronger tells more than hope at a rescue...

Is she used to these types of dreams? In that case, is she more curious than fearful? You could add great disconjuct lines by using this:
The last time I died it was....

Is she used to it, but still scared? Same thing:
It doesn't matter how many times I'd died in that cave, I still panicked everytime the light appeared.

Then its ok to start with a dream, because you are instantly bringing it up as something unique to the character, and it is central to the plot, so you don't have to worry about it being cliche. Meanwhile, how the MC talks about it gives great insights into her character as well.

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I ventured a step forward, moving the freezing water around my legs so that it lapped softly against the wall. The only other sound was my racing heart and the pressing silence.

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You say the only 'other' sound was her racing heart, but don't specifically mention a first sound. I suspect you're referring to the sound of the water lapping against the wall. I'd revise the previous sentence to read "[...]so that I could hear it lapping softly against the wall." This is just a clarity thing to make it easier on the reader.

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Exhaustion, frustration and dread settled in my bones and the tears threatened to spill.

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The idea is good here, expressing her emotional condition, but stating it in plain words often acts counter to intention. I'd pick one of those words and drop the rest, or find a way of showing us she was exhausted and frustrated instead of telling.

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At least I knew it would be over soon.

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Excellent! THIS is your initial hook that will keep the reader going until they realize it's a dream.

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I knew it was pointless, but I instinctively searched for somewhere to hide.

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Either she knew it was pointless, or she instinctively searched, I think saying both is confusing. I tend to view instinctual actions as occurring before you can consciously consider them. It might be better to simply reverse the two halves of the sentence, so she searches first, then realizes it was pointless.

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As the water around my bare legs began to ripple, I pressed myself into the wall and hoped the shadows would be enough to save me this time.

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Same idea as above. She says twice that she knows she can't escape her fate, but this sentence introduces 'hope'. Everything prior to this line makes her sound hopeless, so it's confusing when she talks about hoping to be saved.

You do pique my interest near the end of this excerpt but a couple places pulled me out of the story:

* "I ventured a step forward,..."

I stopped on the word ventured but I cannot say why exactly. Perhaps, for me, it felt unnecessary.

* "The only other sound was my racing heart and the pressing silence."

This sentence really jarred me. First, I wondered about how hard a heart would have to beat to be heard. Second, I've seen many stories do this before and so it jarred me a bit. Then the sentence ends by implying that a "pressing silence" produces sound.

A second reading made me wonder why the water did not make a sound as "it lapped softly against the wall." Since it is dark and the character cannot see anything (I assume) then how can the character know the water lapped against the wall if he or she cannot hear it? Now, I'm not saying that the water should make a sound. I mention this because you give the reader an image of lapping water without light or sound (as far as I can tell).

After this section everything felt smooth and it pulled me back into the story. I think you did a good job by posing some questions about the impending threat.

Now that I sound sixteen again, I need to get to a training meeting. Hopefully, I'll get some writing time tonight and fix the last few glitches in these lines.

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Well, insist that your husband help you keep the kids and house in order, so you can teach that class. (Seminary? Best wishes on it.)

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...my writing time is after lunch and right when I need a nap.

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I can relate to that. I had a physics class right after lunch one quarter at college, barely managed to pass (and I was minoring in physics). Someone told me that we're sleepy after we eat lunch because the blood that should be stimulating our brains is busy supporting digestion instead.

One of these days I'll try a 4th revision on these 13 lines. Currently I'm moving through the rest of the novel line by line so I don't want to lose momentum.