posted
Ketchikan was the last stop on the bridge to nowhere, but it was Cree’s somewhere. At sixteen, he saw life on the island from the prism of his track-and-field insular world–a stopwatch, an outcome. Control his fear, channel his anger, win. Problem was, destiny didn’t always follow the neat little chalk lanes to a predictable finish line. Sometimes life itself was a detour, and lately, Cree began to wonder if his dream of the fastest 100-meter dash in Olympic history was his destiny or a warning. The idea coiled his gut. “Fear is like oxygen; you have to breathe it deep to blow it out,” his shaman grandfather had said. Somewhere on the edge of his trying, Cree couldn’t shake the feeling that his finish line wasn’t an end but a beginning, like the desperate moments before a breech
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited April 04, 2010).]
posted
I have a couple of questions about your choice of settings. You reference the bridge to nowhere as though it were an actual bridge, but that project was scrapped so the bridge does not exist. You also say Ketchikan is the last stop and was somewhere for Cree implying that Cree lives in Ketchikan which is not an island. The island the bridge was going to go to was Gravina Island, where the airport is and is largely uninhabited.
I think it is a bad idea to pick your setting because of a minor political argument that will be forgotten by most people before they ever get a chance to read your story. It's fine if you want to set your story in an Alaskan tourist town but I would lose all references to the bridge to nowhere in the opening. If you are going to pick a real spot to set your story then the details should be correct (i.e. Ketchikan is not an island).
Thanks. You are right. Ketchikan is an island town and I mention that later on. In the Ketchikan news it was actually the brunt of jokes as the "last stop on the bridge to nowhere." And yes, I know about neighboring Gravina Island and the Tongass Narrows, etc, etc. I appreciate the fact that you are also right about how politics and political controversy has a short shelf-life. Would love to hear your other thoughts on the actual opening, absent the Revillagigedo Island vs. Ketchikan as an island town.
posted
This opening is my favorite. If you are writing a YA novel, make sure they can relate to what you write. "desperate moments before a breech birth" is meaningless to YA's (14-21).
In this first 13, you explain what is going on in Cree's mind. It seems to me that with YA fiction, it is even more critical to create a bond and establish a hook quickly. So, get us into Cree's head. Let us hear his thoughts, instead of telling us. Let us experience his race, as he experiences it.
As for the 'bridge to nowhere', my assumption is just a description of how Cree feels that he has been dumped in a nowhere place. I think it works, but not here.
[This message has been edited by pamak (edited April 03, 2010).]
[This message has been edited by pamak (edited April 03, 2010).]
posted
Second thought, on the bridge to nowhere: One problem with it is that it was a political rallying cry. If (and it is a big 'if' as it was awhile ago) they remember, they may be put off by it, just because it was political. And while YA fiction is directed at ages 14-21, there are a whole bunch of older people that like to read the books. With them, the phrase may just date the book. Or remind them that they hate politicians. Why take the chance?
[This message has been edited by pamak (edited April 03, 2010).]
[This message has been edited by pamak (edited April 03, 2010).]
posted
It's all pretty solid except the line about the breech birth. I was with the intensity of competition and the way you were describing his race, but then you just inject imagery that has no business being coupled with a sport. It's a strong metaphor, but that doesn't necessarily mean it belongs there. Just my two cents --- it's an abrupt jerk from visions of finish lines, running athletes, and the heat of the sun, and then you're thinking about a fetus and a uterus. It's mostly destructive to your opening hook as far as pacing is concerned, particularly since it falls in the last chunk of that paragraph.
Hope this helps.
[This message has been edited by Violent Harvest (edited April 03, 2010).]
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