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1st Attempt:

Cassandra looked into the distance and prepared to fly. The Santa Ana winds came flooding off the desert and through the El Cajón pass. She stood in a field as the wind hit. She watched the long grasses whip around in a wild and rhythm-less ballet as she felt her hair join their dance. The wind stung her eyes forcing her to close them and she realized she was not wearing her glasses. She turned away and opened her eyes. She could see clearly. It was magic. She knew there was magic in the winds. She had always felt it. It was hard to be away from them. They called to her and she was happy to answer. She was going to fly on the winds. Magic. As long as she believed in magic.

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2nd Attempt:

The Santa Ana winds came racing off the desert through the El Cajón pass. Cassandra braced herself against their power. Without her glasses,the winds stung her eyes. She turned around, searching the large field for her companions. She did not see them, but she could clearly see the wild dance of the tall grass. She briefly wondered how she could see without her glasses, but she knew. Magic rode the winds. She had always known this and now it called to her. This was the moment she had foreseen and it chilled her. HE was somewhere in this field. She never saw his face, but in her visions he was always somewhere near. She must leave. She couldn't run fast enough to escape him. She needed to fly and she needed to do it now.

[This message has been edited by Pannethera (edited April 23, 2010).]

There is a wonderful poetry to your writing which I enjoy. The trick for us poets is to parse out the poetry sparingly. Your opening makes it clear that Cassandra believes in and is affected by the magic of the winds and the thrill of personal flight. Would your opening be better served with someting like Cassandra's belief in magic up front? Such as: "Magic. Cassandra always knew the winds whispered the secret of flight. And she was a believer."

As for sentence structure and flow, here are some suggestions. Take them or reject them as you see fit:

Cassandra looked into the distance and prepared to fly. The Santa Ana winds came flooding off the desert and through the El Cajón pass. She stood in a field as the wind hit. (Could you somehow combine the standing in the field idea with the wind slapping her and flooding the desert? Also, do winds "flood" the desert? Or do they howl like the coyote or dart like the roadrunner? I suppose they flood, too, but the symbol is a bit jarring. Here's an example of combining your first three ideas in a shorter exposition: "Cassandra thrilled at the Santa Ana winds howling through the pass where she stood. Flying was magic and the wind was her wand.")

She watched the long grasses whip around in a wild and rhythm-less ballet as she felt her hair join their dance. (Why not just "wild ballet"? This image is wonderful.)

The wind stung her eyes forcing her to close them (Too wordy. Suggest something like: The wind stung her eyes to slits)and she realized she was not wearing her glasses.

She turned away and opened her eyes. (Suggest: When she opened her eyes, the wind was magic.)She could see clearly. It was magic. She knew there was magic in the winds. She had always felt it. It was hard to be away from them. They called to her and she was happy to answer. She was going to fly on the winds. Magic. As long as she believed in magic.

***

As a reader I'm not quite certain you have identified a key event which has caused Casssandra to stand in the field awaiting the magic of the wind for flight. Did she finally decide to spread her wings (literally and figuratively)? Why? What has caused her to come to that decision? Can you tease us with it in your opening?

Thanks,
Wum

You’ve brought yourself time with the quality of the prose, though by the end I wanted some tension. What goes wrong in the opening scene and can you bring it into your first 13? (this is associated with Wum’s point).

There are too many sentences which begin with the same phrases (i.e. “She xyz…”) and this kills the rhythm.

Since we have access to her thoughts and are clearly in her POV in this section, you can eliminate the filtering phrases such as “watched”, “knew” and “felt”. For example:

quote:

---

She watched the long grasses whip around in a wild and rhythm-less ballet as she felt her hair join their dance.

---

Becomes:

“The long grasses whipped around in a wild and rhythm-less ballet and her hair joined their dance”.

Doing so would also help the rhythm since you have to eliminate “she xyz” phrases.

As noted, “flooding” is not an appropriate verb to associate with the Santa Ana winds. I’m also not sure a ballet can be a wild and “rhythm-less” dance; isn’t ballet the most structured and formal of dance forms?

You expend a lot of time describing how the wind stings her eyes, she doesn’t have glasses, but she can see clearly, magic, etc. How necessary is this? While I realise you’re trying to strengthen how she feels about the wind, it seems like overkill to me.

I’d personally cut everything after “…felt her hair join their dance…” up until “She knew there was magic in the winds.”

You also repeat the concept of Cassandra’s relationship with the wind more than you need to. I get the idea from “she knew there was magic in the winds” and everything else (they called to her, etc.) is implied by the fact she is preparing to fly.

Regards,

Since your writing style is so poetic, ala the 1st version, I was a little deflated by this 2nd attempt. Now for some nits:

The Santa Ana winds came racing off the desert through the El Cajón pass. Cassandra braced herself against their power.(Again, why not combine these? Or combine the first three sentences with your three ideas: it's windy; Cassandra isn't wearing her glasses; the wind stings. Although, I did just get the Santa Ana winds "came racing" reference, since there is a famous race track there! Cute.)

Without her glasses,the winds stung her eyes. She turned around, searching the large field for her companions. (See above)

She did not see them, but she could clearly see the wild dance of the tall grass. (Redundant on the word "see." Since Cassandra is your POV, you don't need to precede her looking at the swaying grass with the word "see." It is implied. Your readers will get it. Suggest: She did not see them, only the wild dance etc. Or "the wild grass danced before her.")

She briefly (drop "briefly") wondered how she could see without her glasses, but she knew. Magic rode the winds. (Nice)

She had always known this and now it ("it" being what? Unclear. Say: and now the magic called to her.)

This was the moment she had foreseen and it chilled her. (Here, I suggest you show us, not tell us, she is chilled by him--whoever he is. Something like: The delicate hairs on the back of her hand rose as if alerting the guard for her enemy.)

HE was somewhere in this field. She never saw his face, but in her visions he was always somewhere near. She must leave. She couldn't run fast enough to escape him. (Since you mean this literally, it needs to be clearer.) She needed to fly and she needed to do it now. (I like this.)

All in all, Cassandra's conlict and tension is now suggested in this second version. Could this tension be shifted up front? Is getting away from "Him" the key external turning point and Cassandra's internal turning point that drives this as the story's true beginning? You have the start of something intriguing. Keep at it.

Good Luck,
Wum

My original comment about “tension” was meant to be quite a broad one. Tension doesn’t necessarily have to be from physical danger. Please forgive the following lecture as I try to explain my original comments.

In my opinion, a good opening comes with a clear goal for the protagonist within the scene and then something that threatens that goal. The goal and subsequent threat can be subtle (i.e. emotional or intellectual goals, metaphysical threats rather than physical threats), but it is clear to the reader so we understand the motivation behind the protagonist’s actions. It also occurs before the threat (which seems obvious, but see my comments below).

The tension comes at the end of the opening scene when something stops the protagonist from achieving the goal.

In your first version the goal is beautifully and poetically stated: Cassandra wants to fly on the winds. The style of the writing would probably allow you to take your time to get to the problem, but I personally believe in getting to the problem quickly (I try to be a fast-paced writer, which is not to everyone’s taste). That’s why I suggested increasing tension by threatening her goal of flying somehow.

In your second version, the real goal doesn’t come until the last line (she needed to fly and she needed to do it now) and the threat actually comes before the goal. By placing the threat without a clearly stated goal, you rob the threat of clarity and power. Why should we worry about Cassandra when we don’t know why “He” is so scary (apart from his ability to capitalize pronouns). You’re vaguely hinting at why he’s so scary, but it’s much more effective to be shown how he’s scary by demonstrating how he threatens her goal in the opening scene.
Another significant difference between the 1st and 2nd versions is that you burden the second with explanation. In the first, you really only give us the explanation we need at the time. Cassandra feels the wind and believes she will fly. Most of the passage is lovely description and thoughts she would naturally feel at the time. Everything is happening in real time (even though you’re using past tense).

In the second version, her thoughts seem to me to be more explanatory and not natural thoughts in response to the situation. In the first version, I think you had the confidence that we would “get” what’s happening and didn’t overburden us with backstory and information. You dip into thoughts that refer to the past (“…had always known…”, “…moment she had foreseen…”) and give us information about thoughts that happen in the past. While there will be a need to fill in backstory if you’ve started in the right place, I don’t think the 1st 13 is the place for it.

In the first version, there’s only one “had” and, in a tricky way, it’s a current moment because it’s a natural thought in reaction to the wind (i.e. the realisation she had always felt the magic in the wind).

I wasn’t clear about deep 3rd POV as I could have been in my original critique. In deep 3rd, filter phrases such as “she felt”, “she saw”, “she heard” are generally only used when needed to re-establish whose POV you’re in and in most cases, it should be very clear who is seeing, hearing, feeling, etc. As such, lines such as “she could not see them” become “They were not there…” etc.

Using deep POV in this way (theoretically) increases reader identification with the protagonist. Each break from directly describing the POV protagonist’s perceptions remind us we’re reading a story, lessening identification with the protagonist.
Allied with the POV issue is the fact that you name the antagonist “He”. If he’s an existing threat, I’d assert that Cassandra would think of him as something better than “he”. Even though she never sees his face, there must be something distinguishing about him to which she can append a name (i.e. “the old man”, “the creepy man”, etc.)

Regards,

Nick

My only suggestion would be to change the way some of the sentences begin. There are a lot of "She..." openers (Which someone else already mentioned, but I like to give the good and the bad...you're lacking on the "bad" side, though. lol)