Topic: "Eye of a Shadow" first 13 lines re-done again
XD3V0NX
unregistered
posted
So I completely got rid of William Creed's suicide letter at the beginning. This is the first I've worked on Eye of a Shadow in awhile (I've been trying to get my graduation project out of the way! Ugh! It's taking up sooooo much of my writing time and personal time, but I've had time recently to work on "Eye of a Shadow" though it hasn't been much. Let me know if these opening thirteen work better, please, or what could work, what you like, or what should be thrown out. Thank you! I am determined to get this right. I don't care if I have to re-write the beginning 100 times. =]
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The unexpected death of Professor Lee left students at Kingsbridge University with fear in their hearts. It was almost as if his death was planned; not by a serial killer, but by a genius, someone who knew what they were doing, and someone who might not even be human. “Have you heard?” A student had said, somewhere in the back of the classroom, “Lee’s dead…” The classroom had been small indeed, and that made it easier for the killer to drive each one of them completely and psychologically insane. It was, after all, his plan from the beginning, or so Devon Chambers thought, one of the only sole survivors left in the end. What Devon didn’t understand was why he was even here.
[This message has been edited by XD3V0NX (edited May 03, 2010).]
posted
I don't know why a professor's death would leave the students fearful. Are they next? How do they know who killed Professor Lee? Why are they assuming it's a non-human figure? I'm not saying this is a bad opening, I think you're getting closer. But because I don't care about who Professor Lee is, and because I don't know how close he was with his students (or even what they're studying) I don't feel pulled in. It also feels like heavy narration. You've got a voice (I've seen it in the earlier version with the letter as the opening). But you're not using it here.
It's the part where you mention Devon that I get interested. (Nice, btw. I want to be a character in a book! lol) This is the person I'm assuming I follow. Why is he here? What is his part to play? That's your hook. How does the death of the professor ifluence the coming events in Devon's life? I'd start there.
Ditto what Trish 24 said. Also, if a person is a "sole survivor," there are by definition no other survivors, so you cannot say "one of the only sole survivors." There is one and only one.
posted
I am not fond of omniscient POVs, so if that is what you are going for just ignore me.
I really think this would read better if you picked a POV character and show us his/her reaction to the professor's death. That way you can show us why the professor's death scared them so and why they were suspicious about it. Was it gruesome? Was it not the first?
Starting a novel with a murdered professor is a pretty good hook, but I think we need to be drawn in by a POV student experiencing the news.
posted
I also liked the hook of the dead professor. And I really have no problem with ambiguity at the beginning. I think I would probably read on.
Posts: 6 | Registered: May 2010
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XD3V0NX
unregistered
posted
Thank you all and, yes, that did help. I think I know how to do this now, to create the hook better, with the same concept of the professor. =]
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