Oh, and I already know that it's on the "long side", but I don't plan on sending Eye of a Shadow out right away. In fact, I might just take it apart and make it a Trilogy all on its own. Just thought you all should know that.

Anyway, here's my new Query letter....Just let me know if it makes sense, is 'hooking', or anything else that comes to mind.

Thanks.
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Devon Chamber’s life changes when Professor Lee is murdered at Kingsbridge University.

When Hicks, the new substitute with a strange red glass eye, takes over, Devon’s life undergoes the worst: the easy life he had with Lee is gone. The assignments become harder, the tests more dreadful, and the worst part is each and everything they do in that class is timed. Soon, the class of ten starts disappearing; Hicks’s red eye stalks him at every turn; and the suspicion of Hicks being the killer grows.

It turns out, Hicks isn’t a killer. He was brought back to life by Dr. William Creed fifty years ago. He’s there on a mission to drive a class of students mad through deadly mind games. If a student fails—he or she will be driven to insanity. It’s how his power grows. It’s how he’s still alive. Hicks uses his students worst fears against them; he controls their minds, makes them see unexplainable images. It’s likely that Devon and his best friend, Kameron Ramos, are next.

Devon fears they won’t survive the entire semester, especially after Serenity Arklay, the smartest and hottest thing Kameron and Devon ever seen, arrives, and Kameron can’t keep his eyes off her. She doesn’t seem in the least bit human, either. She finishes everything in as little as five minutes without breaking a sweat. And he knows Hicks has something to do with it.

Now Devon tries keeping Kameron focused. But there’s something hypnotic about Serenity that Devon himself is hardly able to resist.

What Devon doesn’t know is Hicks has other plans for Kameron. Hicks knew from the beginning he’d be caught and killed by FBI Agents eventually. Kameron failed right after Hicks is eliminated. Hicks needs a host to continue his mission. And Kameron is that host.

Kameron starts getting angrier, showing a side of him neither he nor Devon saw coming. Soon, he loses himself completely and is possessed by Hicks. The only way to stop Hicks, Devon soon realizes, is to kill Kameron Ramos.

EYE OF A SHADOW is my 209,000 horror novel.

Thank you for your time and I look forward to hearing from you.

Best Wishes,

Devon Williams

The first line, where you talk about the agent, I just want to make sure you know that you have to have something very specific to that agent, simply because an agent doesn’t want to get a mass email you sent out to a thousand people. Because believe it or not, when an agent comes in to the office in the morning, their inbox is full of 2 am, drunk email queries that were sent out to every agent from Writer’s Marketplace. If you show you checked them out first, they’ll keep reading. Also, some agents don’t want you to start with this line. Some want you to start with the story. But since I think you’re going with Nathan Bransford’s query format, you’re in the clear.

This line:

“Devon’s life undergoes the worst:”

doesn’t actually mean anything. His life can undergo the worst change or the worst transformation or the worst overhaul. It can’t undergo “the worst” because undergo implies there will be an action to “undergo”. Does that make sense? I’m sure someone else can explain it better, but I hope it makes at least a little sense.

“and the worst part is each and everything they do…”

This should be

“and the worst part is each and every thing they do…”

There needs to be a space between “every” and “thing” because what you are really saying is “each thing” and “every thing”. If Word tells you that’s wrong, ignore it.

“and the suspicion of Hicks being the killer grows.”

This is the first time you mention that Hicks might be the killer. Which throws me off a little because I didn’t know anyone thought he was.

While I’m willing to suspend my disbelief for even the most unusual concepts, the idea that Hicks was brought back from the dead and is STILL alive because he drives others insane is hard to swallow. I’m not saying it can’t happen, I just don’t understand how one thing can really lead to another. Is it magic? Is it some weird, newly discovered science? Yes, you want a query to be concise, but you also want it to be believable.

Also, I’d just say Devon and his best friend, or Devon and his best friend Kameron. Adding too many names (Devon Carey, Hicks, Kameron Ramos) in a query can get confusing. If I don’t need to know Kameron’s last name in the query, leave it off. (It’s okay to put Devon’s last name because he’s the title character.)

Same goes for Serenity. No last name.

I think you are cramming too much into the query. I understand this is a looong book, and needs a little more time to explain than, say, a 50,000 word novel. But if you cut some of the parts out (like the part where Hicks knows he is going to be killed by FBI) and stick with the bare bones (like: Hicks needs a new host and he has settled on Kameron. Devon’s best chance to stop Hicks is to kill his best friend) you would be better off.

Overall, I think you have a good skeleton of a query. You just need to trim some of the fat, so to speak. The ending is great--the word count, genre and your name is all you need. If I were you, I'd fix this up a little and submit it to Query Shark. See what she has to say.

Good luck!

The idea of a professor trying to drive his students mad is a little humorous to me only because I have been on both sides of the classroom. I know it seems like professors are trying to drive you mad, but really we are only trying to challenge you, LOL. But I do think this is an interesting story.

The problem with this query letter is that it gives too much of the story away. I have a feeling that I have seen all of your twists and turns.

A query letter is like the blurb on the back of the book. You only want to give enough to make the reader interested in reading more. The entire plot is given in the summary.

Here are my suggestions, take them or leave them.

quote:

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Devon Chamber’s life changes when Professor Lee is murdered at Kingsbridge University.

When Hicks, the new substitute with a strange red glass eye, takes over, Devon’s life undergoes the worst the worst what??: the easy life he had with Lee is gone. Cut the italicized part it adds nothing. The assignments become harder, the tests more dreadful, and the worst part is each and everything they do in that class is timed. Soon, the class of ten starts disappearing (I think you need to expand on this. Are the students dropping out of the class or are they disappearing as in no one knows what happened to them. There is a big difference there, and needs to be explained.; Hicks’s red eye stalks him at every turn; and the suspicion of Hicks being the killer grows. Are there murders on campus? Because disappearing students doesn't necessarily mean they are being murdered. This needs to be further explained as well.

It turns out, Hicks isn’t a killer. He was brought back to life by Dr. William Creed fifty years ago. He’s there on a mission to drive a class of students mad through deadly mind games. If a student fails—he or she will be driven to insanity. It’s how his power grows. It’s how he’s still alive. Hicks uses his students worst fears against them; he controls their minds, makes them see unexplainable images. It’s likely that Devon and his best friend, Kameron Ramos, are next. This is not from Devons perspective and it is one of your twists in the book. Cut this entire paragraph, leave us with the mystery of who or what Hicks is.

Devon fears they won’t survive the entire semester, especially after Serenity Arklay, the smartest and hottest thing Kameron and Devon ever seen, arrives, and Kameron can’t keep his eyes off her. She doesn’t seem in the least bit human, either. She finishes everything in as little as five minutes without breaking a sweat. And he knows Hicks has something to do with it.

Now Devon tries keeping Kameron focused. But there’s something hypnotic about Serenity that Devon himself is hardly able to resist.

What Devon doesn’t know is Hicks has other plans for Kameron. Hicks knew from the beginning he’d be caught and killed by FBI Agents eventually. Kameron failed right after Hicks is eliminated. Hicks needs a host to continue his mission. And Kameron is that host. Cut this paragraph too, for the same reasons as above.

Kameron starts getting angrier, showing a side of him neither he nor Devon saw coming. Soon, he loses himself completely and is possessed by Hicks. Cut what I italicized; it isn't from Devon's perspective. Instead say something like, "Devon fears Kameron is being possessed by Hicks, and the.." leads into the last sentence The only way to stop Hicks, Devon soon realizes, is (I think you should leave a little mystery here, change to "might be") to kill Kameron Ramos.

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Good luck with this.