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I struggle with the whole query thing. (Don't we all?) I've read Query Shark's blog, Nathan Bransford's blog, etc. And yet, here I am again, posting on hatrack with absolutely no idea if I'm doing this right. So let me know what you think: where I'm going wrong, what's not-so-wrong, and anything you might have for a suggestion would be fantastic.
Thanks guys! You are, as usual, amazing!
Dear (Agent Name)
Samantha Weaver is losing her mind. At least that’s how she sees it. When the nightmares started, she brushed them off. “Stress” her mom had called it, and it was as good an explanation as any. Until she moved to Gravesend, and the nightmares turned into full-blown hallucinations.
Sam can’t even go running in the mornings without seeing a flash of black or the streak of red that means the demons from her nightmare are following her. And when she sees a strange guy appear and disappear right in front of her eyes, she’s sold on the whole insanity thing.
So when she starts hearing two of her classmates’ voices in her head, she doesn’t hold out much hope that she’ll get better any time soon. Until she meets her first Reaver, and finds out those red-eyed shadows she’s been seeing are real. And the thoughts she hears really do belong to her classmates. Then all bets for her sanity are off, because at sixteen, finding out you are caught in a war between humans and demons can be a little on the crazy side, too.
Reaver is a 55,000 word young adult urban fantasy about Sam’s struggle to saver herself from demons, insanity, and boys while she tries not to flunk out of her junior year.
Thank you for your time, and I hope to hear from you in the near future.
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I really like the voice in this query. Don't lose that.
quote:Dear (Agent Name)
Samantha Weaver is losing her mind. At least that’s how she sees it. When the nightmares started, she brushed them off. “Stress” her mom had called it, and it was as good an explanation as any. Until she moved to Gravesend, and the nightmares turned into full-blown hallucinations.
I think the last two are really one sentence. I wouldn't start a sentence with a conjunction in a query.
quote:Reaver is a 55,000 word young adult urban fantasy about Sam’s struggle to saver herself from demons, insanity, and boys while she tries not to flunk out of her junior year.
Minor spelling error--it should be save not saver.
I like it.
[This message has been edited by Meredith (edited June 21, 2010).]
posted
Good catch on the spelling, lol. Thanks! And I'll see what I can do to combine those sentences.
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posted
I've read all of those query letter blogs as well. They make it sound so easy in theory, LOL.
I like your query, and it interests me as a reader (I would buy the book). But I am trying to think of it the way the query shark would.
You definitely have a good voice, which is huge. Like Meredith says, make sure you don't lose that.
But, I think your query letter focuses on the set up of the novel, but we haven't really gotten to the heart of the story (just a suspicion I could be wrong). What are the stakes? What are the choices Sam has to make? I think if you address these questions, your query will be stronger.
JMO, and I am far from being the query shark, so take it or leave it.
[This message has been edited by MAP (edited June 24, 2010).]
posted
I really like this Trisha! And I am not just saying that because I am now one of your best friends. Like I told you before, very very good voice. I was also hooked, which is good, obviously. I liked this query a lot. I am so jealous. This one had to have taken you a good decent amount of time. I have already read some of Reaver, and, from what I read, I really did like it.
Anyway, hope to hear from you soon. I think you did a pretty good job this time. And send me more of Reaver when you can.
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You might not be the query shark, MAP, but you are completely right! Thank you!
And thanks Devon! Yes, this is the 13th attempt at a query, most of which I never posted. (Don't go looking for most of them. I knew they weren't right. I wasn't going to waste anyone's time with them, lol.)
[This message has been edited by TrishaH24 (edited June 25, 2010).]
Is Gravesend in a state? It may ring more harmoniously to stick a state at the end. Like Eerie, IN or Hell, MI.
The words "right in front of her eyes" can probably be brought all the way down to "before her eyes". In fact, her seeing it and before her eyes is redundant. Maybe just say "when a stranger appears and disappears before her eyes..."
The next sentence repeats the weirdness
When she sees.. When she starts hearing...
Any way to mix those up? Or have tension build as in seeing a stranger is bad, but hearing the voices is worse and could drive her over the edge.
posted
For some reason the story seems a bit disjointed. The writing's not clunky, but it seems a bit of a jumble to me. She moves, she runs, she hears voices, but then all of a sudden she meets this Reaver and now it all makes sense.
The last little paragraph where she's trying not to flunk out is a familiar ending (I used something similar myself in the query I currently have out.), but somehow the query isn't grabbing me as something unique or big enough.
You might try one out where you focus on the war and here is this girl who is thrust, totally unprepared in the middle of it. Give her a touch of peril and a touch of her potential to solve it.
My two cents, anyway. Writing queries are hard, especially when you really don't know what you need to get across to get an agent interested.
[This message has been edited by Owasm (edited June 27, 2010).]
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