Second Version

Robyn gazed at the rivulets flowing sideways on the glass of the bus window. Her mood matched the unrelieved gray outside. Her eyes drifted down to the printed email her father sent, clutched in her hand.

How could he rip me away from my second week in college,so he can tell me again about his visions? I know he's dying, but...

She wiped a stray tear away as she thought of the complicated relationship, almost a rivalry, between daughter and dad. It only became worse when Robyn's mother died three years ago.

That was when her father's mind began to drift. He talked of guardian angels and an English village in the sky. She couldn't fathom what madness possessed him.

First Version

Robyn gazed out the bus window at the streaming rivulets flowing sideways on the glass. Her mood matched the unrelieved gray outside. Her eyes drifted down to the printed email her father sent, clutched in her hand.

Come to me as soon as you can, I won't last long. There is something I must tell you that cannot wait. – Dad

She wiped a stray tear away as she thought of the complicated relationship, almost a rivalry, between daughter and dad. It only became worse when Robyn's mother died three years ago.

That was when her father's mind began to drift. He talked of guardian angels and an English village in the sky. She couldn't fathom what madness possessed him.

Robyn is a little boring at first. When I think gray mood, I automatically associate a certain level of blandness to the person. But when she wipes away a tear, I realized she's more emotionally invested in whatever is going on with her father than I thought. That she's not "bland", she's just upset. I didn't understand how she and her father could have a rivalry going on. Usually a rivalry means they are competing for something. But maybe you find that out later?

The only other thing I can say is this is a very heavy writing style. Especially for YA. Not that you can't make it work for you, but I think you were going for a sense of gravity in this situation, and I came away with something more complicated than I want when reading YA. If I picked this up off the floor at a book store and read the first page, I'd think it belonged in the adult fantasy section, not YA. YA is usually fast paced, and even if it's a dark fantasy, for example, it's usually lighter in the wording. I'm not getting that here. But that's just my opinion! There are a lot of people on here that read YA and each of them might have a different take than me.

Good luck with converting this!

I like that there is rivalry in the relationship. It's something unusual and for me that's part of the hook. The father's 'madness' is the other part and I would keep reading.

I do see what Trisha is saying about the language, but I personally think it would work fine in the genre, because there is a lot of variety in style and reading level in YA fiction.

A couple nit picks:

quote:

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gazed out the bus window at the streaming rivulets flowing sideways on the glass

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If you were gazing out the bus window you would probably look past the water on the glass rather than at it.

"streaming rivulets flowing sideways" There's a bit of redundancy in meaning here. Maybe just "rivulets flowing sideways"?

quote:

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Come to me as soon as you can, I won't last long. There is something I must tell you that cannot wait. – Dad

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The language seems a bit stiff for a note between family members, but maybe that's a peculiarity of the dad/their relationship. Dads I know would probably say "have to" and "can't" rather than "must" and "cannot".

About language in YA again. Here's a bit from a YA novel I really like that does use much heavier writing:

quote:

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People observe the colours of a day only at its beginings and ends, but to me it's quite clear that a day merges through a multitude of shades and intonations, with each passing moment. A single hour can consist of thousands of different colours.

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I was surprised that the novel quoted above was marketed as YA, but it's just an example of what a broad range there is out there.

I like your title, very whimsical.

I was a little confused about the bus. Since you said it was YA, I thought she was on a school bus, but then it occurred to me that maybe she's taking a bus (Greyhound?) to get to her dad.

I would like to comment on the language, I think it's fine. I myself read The Hobbit at age 7 and The Lord of the Rings at age 8. The language used by Tolkien was and is beyond that of most adult books, but I could still understand it enough to enjoy the story. I state this not to claim a boon for my own intelligence, but to show that YA readers will rise, for the most part, to understand the language written. (...as long as the story keeps them interested.)

quote:

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Robyn gazed at the (1) rivulets flowing sideways on the glass of the bus window. Her mood matched the unrelieved gray outside. (2) Her eyes drifted down (3) to the printed email her father sent, clutched in her hand.

How could he rip me away from my second week in college,so he can tell me again about his visions? I know he's dying, but...

She wiped a stray tear away (4) as she thought (5) of the complicated relationship, almost a rivalry, between daughter and dad (6). It only became worse when Robyn's (7) mother died three years ago.

That was when her father's mind began to drift. He talked of guardian angels and an English village in the sky. She couldn't fathom what madness possessed him.

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1) Anything with gaze, saw, watched, etc puts distance between me and your character. If it were me, I'd cut the bolded part and state the sentence as a fact. I'd then start my next sentence with her name.

2) Felt almost cliche.

3) Similar to #1. I'm not sure you need to avoid this one, but close proximity to the other made it stick out.

4) This came across as melodramatic to me because I don't have anything emotionally invested in her yet.

5) Similar to #1. Stating anything with "she thought" is going to create distance.

6) I'll concede she could think of herself as "daughter" when thinking of the rivalry between them, but that seems more of something an outsider would say.

7) I'd go with a simple "mother" or "her mother." For some reason, having her name here makes me realize there is a narrator besides the character.

As for point of view, its been something I have myself been working hard to fix and doing a lot of reading on it and I see so many people comment and get stuck on saying must be only one type of penetration in a third person view or similar comments especially after just 13 lines. After reading so many stories and ideas and different ways of writing. I come back to one that is even more appropriate on these forums.

"No one level of penetration is likely to be right for a whole story."
"I've found that the best results come when you find a comfortable middle ground and then let the needs of the story determine how deeply you penetrate the viewpoint character's mind. In some scenes you'll get "hot" and penetrate deeply, letting the audience feel that they've become the viewpoint character. In some scenes you'll "cool off," let the audience retreat from the character and watch things passively for a while. In between,you'll use light penetration to keep us aware of the constant possibility of seeing into the viewpoint character's thoughts, so we aren't startled when things get hot again. You've got to be aware, though, of the full range of possibilities." Orson Scott Card : Characters and Viewpoint - Chapter 17.

The third sentence stops me for 2 reasons: Her mood, Her eyes … and “her father sent” sounds a bit off – maybe “She clutched a printed email from her father”?

I like her thoughts in the next para. (It’s all about me…perfect for a freshman.)

The thoughts about “the complicated relationship, almost a rivalry” sounds so analytical, like something a therapist would say. I don’t yet know why it’s complicated (but I trust you’ll get to that). I don’t get the rivalry part at all, when he is apparently off in his own little world (“drift”); that makes me think she might be in more of a caretaker role, looking after her loony father.

I do like the fourth paragraph, in connection with the mother’s death. Since she doesn’t know what madness possesses him, I’m thinking he hasn’t gone to a shrink. Would she have tried to figure him out? (At that age, I read a lot about my mother’s clinical diagnosis to try to understand her.)