"Thunder crashed upon the hills of the Genos Vale like the shout of a dying god. Rain fell in sheets and torrents. Failon Fellburne heard nothing but the silence of a snow-filled night.

His eyes searched the small hillside in front of him and caught the occasional glimpse of a Dendron upon its uppermost ridge. He pressed his fingers into the wet earth, smelled its dampness and tasted danger in his mouth. But Failon’s ears heard nothing beyond the occasional blast of thunder, and even that sounded distant, as if it originated from miles away—not so close that his hair stood up on end from the lightning. To Tereck, his lone companion, the sound must have been deafening. To Failon, any noise was the music of Angelic voices.

Except, of course, the cry of the creature they sought."

Like I said before, this is a complete novel. I'm willing to send out the first three chapters (of the rewrite) to anyone who wants to check them out. In fact, the more people who critique it, the happier I'll be.

'Thunder crashed upon the hills of the Genos Vale like the shout of a dying god. Rain fell in sheets and torrents. '

Your opening is a cliche. ‘It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents’ is one of the most famous and mocked openings in the english language.
‘shout of a dying god’ seems melodramatic.

Failon Fellburne heard nothing but the silence of a snow-filled night.

‘silence of a snow-filled night’ sounds cliche and the imagery clashes with the heavy rains.

‘His eyes searched the small hillside in front of him and caught the occasional glimpse of a Dendron upon its uppermost ridge.’

I don’t think of small hillsides as having an uppermost ridge. A dendron is part of a neuron, you might want to give your creature another name. I am also not sure why you capitalized it.

He pressed his fingers into the wet earth, smelled its dampness and tasted danger in his mouth.

I’m not sure what is going on here. Are you saying he can smell and taste the earth by touching it? Dampness doesn’t seem to go along with the cold hard rain and the phase “in his mouth” seems unnecessary.

But Failon’s ears heard nothing beyond the occasional blast of thunder, and even that sounded distant, as if it originated from miles away—not so close that his hair stood up on end from the lightning.

Try to avoid starting a sentence with but. You just told us he heard nothing now your telling us he can hear a little.

To Tereck, his lone companion, the sound must have been deafening. To Failon, any noise was the music of Angelic voices.

“music of Angelic voices” is corny and why capitalize angelic?

Right now all I have is a deaf guy hunting some dangerous creature. I'm not interested and with all of the cliches, I would put the book back on the shelf.

I hope this helps during your rewrite. Best of luck on your project.

Devin

My comments are these: There’s a lot of time spent on the setting, which is perhaps simply to tell us he is almost deaf. I don’t know much else about your main character (MC) yet. Who is this guy? I suspect a brave warrior with a hearing disability, but I could be dead wrong.

Perhaps the storm is simply nearby. That much rain would impact the story: drenched clothes, mud (not dampness), not able to see very far, perhaps seeking shelter, etc. As it stands the rain seems more like stage dressing than reality.

I assumed he was on the top of the hill until you said uppermost. No particular reason, just my assumption, but it threw me a little when I realized I was wrong. I wouldn’t drop a random reference to a strange creature (dendron) without giving some kind of description. Are they cute and cuddly, or dangerous? Birds or lizards? Or perhaps the creatures they are seeking? If they aren’t important, either drop them or make them be something we’ll recognize (squirrel monkeys, lions).

He can taste danger in the soil? Interesting if it’s true--play it up (like the way snakes can smell with their tongues, and a clairvoyant can get vibes from an object). If it’s just that he has heightened senses as a result of being deaf, then it doesn’t make sense--he should taste something specific (a trace on Dendron dung, etc.).

My hair has never stood up on end from lightening, and I only know one person that ever happened to (his friend was killed), so that reference stopped me cold.

Terek is another dropped reference with no grounding. Man, woman, or other? Trusted friend or uneasy alliance? But maybe its okay as it stands, assuming you’ll get around to him/her/it pretty soon.

The phrase “any noise was the music of [a]ngelic voices” made me think he’s starting to get his hearing back and is very excited about it. If true, I need it confirmed. If he’s simply mostly deaf, then I would think it’s just ordinary for him. (But then I’m not deaf, what do I know?)

dendron |ˈdendrän|
noun
another term for dendrite (sense 1).
ORIGIN late 19th cent.: from dendrite , on the pattern of words such as axon.

IMO, you need to move the beginning a bit faster. I'm not in the story. I know the MC is deaf, but I have no idea what a Dendron is (I too first throught of neurology) or who that person named Tereck's function is other than his faithful kemosabe.

Second off, I'm going to have to break one of my own cardinal rules here: never defend yourself. Part of the problem, I suspect, is that I'm on a sight where a lot of SF buffs make residence. But, considering I would more than likely want you to still be caught by my first 13, maybe I should change or at least clarify things.

You are all correct: Dendron is indeed a word that can be associated with neurobiology. However, if that word is to be traced back to it's origins, we'll see that it's a Greek word meaning "tree," which is what the Dendron in "Stitchman" is. Again, perhaps I should clarify that early on. I never thought it would be such a roadblock in the story; maybe I was wrong.

Thanks again, everyone!