posted
Well, here I am again, although this time I think that I might have a winner. I'm sure a few will disagree with that, though. Just let me know what you think.
" Failon Fellburne searched the hillside above him and glimpsed the creature dart up the trunk of the Dendron in a bolt of lightning. He heard nothing beyond an occasional blast of thunder and even that sounded distant, but to Tereck—his lone companion—the sound must have been deafening. To Failon, any noise was the music of Angelic voices.
Except, of course, the cry of the creature they sought.
The image of the woman’s scattered remains seemed to flash before his eyes and he shifted his boots in the mud. The black cloak about his shoulders was soaked through and provided little comfort from the cold or his memory. It was a night of ultimate hell, a night that would live in his mind until the day he gave up the ghost and traveled to the Angels in the northern sky. "
Prompted by advice from Kathleen, I'd like to ask anyone's advice on whether or not I should capitalize "Dendron" and "Angels." Honestly, I am half tempted to lower-case the word "Dendron" because it really is just a type of tree... albeit a very, very *special* type of tree. "Angels," however, needs to be capitalized--at least in my opinion--because the Five Angels are the deities of this world. Let me know what you think and if you'd like the first three chapters. Thanks!
posted
Sorry if this is nit-picky, but it reads as if the creature ran up the Dendron trunk in a bolt of lightning.
Maybe if you put something like "during a lightning flash" in the front of the sentence, and got rid of "in a bolt of lightning" at the end?
Also, does he call it a "creature" because he doesn't know what it is? If he does know what it is, surely he would think of it by something more specific than "creature," wouldn't he?
posted
Lowercase "dendron" because it's a type of tree rather than an individual tree's name. I agree that capitalizing "Angels" is appropriate. "Angelic" looks odd as is, but you could reword the phrase.
Now about the important stuff. This opening is full of hints that don't lend to a clear image. I'm not sure how to form this opening in my mind's eye. Terek is Failon's companion, but what is he? He hears differently than Failon, so is he a different species--a pack animal or a pet? Is one or the other super-sensitive or hearing impaired? Or... what?
The woman also confuses me. Is she a woman or someone Failon had known? There's no emotion to indicate that he'd known her, but then why is he hunting the creature (if that's what he's doing)? The woman and creature seem connected.
One more thing. May I comment on the character's name? Fail-on fell-burn. It's a bit comedic.
*Edited to fix grammar errors.
[This message has been edited by aspirit (edited July 07, 2010).]
posted
Pretty exciting. Specifics below. -he searched the hillside in what way? By walking over it, by looking only, by looking with binoculars? What? -what creature? Be more specific -talking about an occasional blast of thunder takes us out of the moment. We're in a very specific moment before this, then you suddenly seem to go to a continuous period of time. Might be better to have just one blast or even just a rumble -make the presence of a companion evident from the beginning. Too much of a surprise here -why would it be deafening -the mention of the woman comes too suddenly. It seems to me you're trying to pack too much into these first 13 lines. I'd slow down and develop things better -what was the night? Confusing since we think it's daytime judging from the fact that he was searching the hillside, etc. - I'd omit the words "until the day"
Posts: 8 | Registered: Jul 2010
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I assume you are referring to things that already happened, not just the present moment. And your MC flashes back to the woman. I now suspect that perhaps the story should start earlier. What awful thing already happened, to send him out on this hunt? Flashbacks should be used sparingly, and usually not this early (or so I'm told).
[This message has been edited by MrsBrown (edited July 08, 2010).]
posted
Thanks all, and sorry it's taken me so long to reply to these comments; my internet connection has been giving me problems.
After reading the many reactions to this and the other examples of the first thirteen lines, I have several ideas bouncing around in my head. First, I'm going to concentrate on finishing the second draft of Stitchman so that the story is fleshed out. I've come to realize that I have several "babies" that need killing in a third draft. Guess I've just been stubborn.
Thank you all again. Your assistance has been invaluable!
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Just let me know what you think.
