posted
Okay, this is a bit that I added to try to bring out part of the premise that seems to be tripping some people up. I'd like to know if it works.
This part of a scene takes place at the Council of Magical Races. We already know that all of the races take human form for the Council, so they can talk and relate to each other. That's not all they can do, though.
Valeriah's looking around, checkin who's here and how they're likely to vote.
quote:The gryphon councilor was instantly identifiable by her sharp, beaked nose and her mane of downy, almost feathery, golden hair. Almost directly across from her sat the representative of the merfolk, a merman with a crest of slick, scaly blue-green hair like a Mohawk. Neither of them looked up as Valeriah and Crystal entered; their eyes were locked on each other. The gryphon’s hand was stretched across the table, as if reaching for the merman’s. The merman smiled back, revealing sharp, triangular teeth
A creature of the sky and a creature of the water. Valeriah shuddered to think what their children would have to deal with, if they went that far. It was possible, as long as they kept their human forms, and, given the mix, they’d have to.
posted
Oooh, interesting! Makes me want to read it. Maybe some day, but I'm long overdue on something else for a fellow Hatracker. Edited: Agree with aspirit. It hints that a similar mixture may be difficult in your MC's life.
[This message has been edited by MrsBrown (edited July 09, 2010).]
posted
This is meant to show that members of different magical races are often attracted to each other? If so, it works for me. I especially like this part: "The gryphon’s hand was stretched across the table, as if reaching for the merman’s."
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posted
Meredith, pretty interesting though perhaps could be clearer. Specifics below: - "was identifiable" is in passive tense. Usually active tense is considered stronger if you can manage it -does a Mohawk have scaly blue-green hair? I once worked with a Mohawk book designer and he didn't. I wonder if Mohawks who are around today and perhaps reading this would find it offensive? -why did their eyes lock? Give a reason -in who went that far, the children or your two characters who are looking at each other? -have to what?
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quote:does a Mohawk have scaly blue-green hair? I once worked with a Mohawk book designer and he didn't. I wonder if Mohawks who are around today and perhaps reading this would find it offensive?
Mohawk (capitalization and all) is also a hairstyle. From the context, I think it's clear enough that we aren't referring to the American Indian tribe. Still, I think that the grammar could use some tightening to make it clearer:
<i>a merman with a Mohawk of slick, scaly blue-green hair.</i>
But then there's that whole discussion as to whether a word like "Mohawk" has any business being in a fantasy world where Mohawk Indians probably don't and didn't exist.
I also don't think we need to be told that the representative of the merfolk is a merman. It seems that we'd get his race instantly from his position, and his gender from his interaction with the female gryphon. Having "merfolk" and "merman" so close together reads like a stutter to me.
Yes, I was referring to the hairstyle, not the tribe. (If my grandmother was to be believed, I have a little bit of Iroquois blood myself--all of about 1/64. As Dad used to say "You get a nosebleed, you're out of the tribe." )
quote:But then there's that whole discussion as to whether a word like "Mohawk" has any business being in a fantasy world where Mohawk Indians probably don't and didn't exist.
Valid point. But this world is connected to ours and most of the story takes place in the "real world". Valeriah, whose POV this is, has just come from here, so she would think in terms of a Mohawk hairstyle. That's kind of a problem with an excerpt out of the middle like this. But I wanted to know if the point about the magical creatures, um, mingling, while in human form was coming across since that seemed to be a sticking point for some people.
I'll take a look at the other suggestions for tightening this up.
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