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Here are the first 13 lines of my completed 80,000 word novel. I'd appreciate any comments on these lines. Also is anyone willing to read the first 20 pages? Thanks in advance for any help you can give me.
The barn was a cave-like refuge from the storm, though not from the cold wind that blew through Frank's heart as he contemplated life without Nancy. He loved her but he needed to break up with her, he thought, dodging a kick from Daisy's left rear hoof. The cow turned and snorted at him, her face ghostly in the afternoon light from the window. "Calm yourself," Frank murmured, stroking Daisy's flank. "I know your teat hurts, but it's your own fault for busting through the fence. It'll hurt worse if you don't let me fix it." He went to the storage box by the window and rummaged through it for supplies, his mind returning to Nancy. Her holidays would be over soon.
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Okay, so, I'm not really sure what I can say about this. I didn't find anything really confusing, and I like what you have set up here for the most part.
I might not be much help, but..... here's a thought... I need another reader to read a partial of my book, Jealousy Kills. How about we trade pages? That is, if you would want to do that. I read yours, and tell you what I think of your 20 pages, if you take a look at my first 20 pages?
First reactions: don’t need “cave-like”. Also “fix it” followed by rummaging through a storage box put me in mind of a mechanic looking for tools before going to work on an engine. It didn’t quite fit with an animal needing treatment. I do like the cow.
Next reactions: “cold wind that blew through Frank's heart” seems cliché to me. Right now I don’t care that he feels sad at the thought of a break-up, because I don’t know him yet. IMHO, it seems like a trick to garner sympathy for someone I know nothing about. Can I get to know him a bit first? Maybe introduce Frank earlier, and then have him make the discovery that he needs to break it off? Hard to say, since I don’t know where you’re headed.
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