posted
Hello. I am back. I am almost done "House of Skye". Thanks to everyone that helped. I am diving into the planning stages of my next novel and I wanted to get your feedback.
The novel is called "Transicity". It is somewhat of an absurdist fantasy/science fiction story I can best describe as "Kaufman-esque" (or at least my pale attempt at it).
Here is a quick rundown:
The Palingenesis corporation can unlock the memories of your past lives. Millions have emerged from the process, embracing true immortality. For a group of friends, their dreams and fears are realized. As their lives intertwine and fracture, all three are forced to face against reliving their past or trying to change their future.
First 13 Lines:
“Philippe Cardinal,” he answered. He was in his late thirties. He wore a black heavy cotton longcoat and pressed jeans. Since emerging from the procedure, he had shaved part of his goatee, leaving only the soul patch. An unlit menthol Swisher Sweets cigarillo hung between his digits. He had only recently started the habit. He found his place on the stool. Behind him, the camera crew had hung a black backdrop to matte out the location. “I thought you indicated on the questionnaire your name was Alexander Bishop?” the interviewer asked off camera through a polished Swiss accent. “Oh, sorry,” he chuckled, “I thought you meant…before.” He sounded slightly uncomfortable. The fragmented puzzle pieces of his memory were still falling into place.
Thanks all and I appreciate all comments.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited July 20, 2010).]
[This message has been edited by ChrisDias (edited July 24, 2010).]
[This message has been edited by ChrisDias (edited July 24, 2010).]
posted
I think the Idea is really good but that the beginning is kind of confusing if you don't know about the past lives thing.. If I hadn't read the introduction I would have thought they were interviewing a demented artist.. However I'm really intrigued by the Idea that people can see that far back in their past, so overall it was good!
posted
Anything I add should be taken as IMHO (in my humble opinion). Here's My take:
quote: “Philippe Cardinal,” he answered. [Answered whom?] He was in his late thirties. He wore a black heavy cotton longcoat and pressed jeans. He found his place on the stool. Behind him, the camera crew had hung a black backdrop to matte out the location. [But the POV knows the location, so, we should, too.]
“And what do you do, Philippe?” the unseen interviewer asked. [Why is the interviewer unseen? Is it a man or woman...the protagonist should be able to guess from the voice.] He had a Swiss accent.
“Painter...baroque, like Nicolas Poussin.”
“I thought you indicated on the questionnaire that you were in interior design?” [What questionnaire?]
“Oh, now? Sorry, I thought you meant before.” [Before what?] He chuckled, slightly uncomfortable. The fragmented puzzle pieces of his memory were still falling into place. [Why? This should be established to the best of the POV's knowledge.]
Where is this? When is this? Why should I read on? (There is no promise of anything interesting.) Is this speculative? (What genre?) It feels like information is being unnecessarily withheld. The plot should be more than the missing information.
posted
I have edited it and reposted the thirteen lines. I pushed a later part of the conversation to come sooner. The addition of the cigarillo is another point I pay off later on the page with the line, Philippe Cardinal might have smoked until his lungs were coal but Alexander Bishop hadn’t touched tobacco in his life.
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