Topic: Jealousy Kills - 3rd and 4th Query letter attempts
XD3V0NX
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posted
Okay, so I did some things with my last query letter. Not much, but I think I did enough. Maybe. I also redid the query, because I was not sure if I wanted to redo the entire thing or just start over. If you will, let me know which one you like better, and why, and if there is anything you think I can make better. Oh, and anything else that you feel I should know, too.
Justin Adams is in the fight of his life against a red-eyed demon trying to possess him. And his girlfriend, Jessica, is scared for her well-being and her best friends, Travis and Matt.
Justin’s only hope is to end the demon’s twisted games and protect Jessica from that dark evil. However, there’s one problem: the demon is one with Justin, created through the emotions he has for his girlfriend. And they keep growing. His emotions get so intense, in fact, the demon becomes a stronger entity than Justin himself.
As the demon gains more control, Justin becomes weaker. If he doesn’t fight back, then Jessica and her friends are in for one hellish night.
Jealousy Kills is my horror novel completed at 82,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.
Justin Adams doesn’t want to be a murderer. His life is great. He’s got a best friend that always has his back, and a girlfriend guys would kill for.
When voices tell Justin that his “perfect girlfriend” is being unfaithful, he struggles to ignore them. Jessica would never be unfaithful. But the newest man-whore hanging around her might. The voices get louder, more persistent. And soon, those voices are all Justin thinks about.
It’s not long before Justin realizes what’s happening to him. He’s being taken over by a demon, grown out of his own jealousy and lust. He knows if he doesn’t fight back, Jessica and her friends are in for one hellish night. There’s just one problem: fighting the demon might mean lights out for Justin Adams.
Jealousy Kills is my horror novel completed at 82,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.
posted
I think you made some improvements from 3rd to 4th. I have not read your piece so I don't know exactly how you should put your query forward, but I think you are moving in the right direction.
What I mean by right direction is, you are showing the "character in perfect world" scenario. Then you are showing how that perfect world is cracking thanks the voices telling him she is being unfaithful. So my suggestion would be to go something like this:
Introduce perfect world, then the cracks in that world, then the demon slipping into the MC through the cracks as the jealousy sets in. etc...
I'd suggest having a look at the 2010 Writer's Market Deluxe Edition. You can probably find an earlier edition at your library and if not, maybe go to the bookstore and flip through the Query Letter Clinic section, which has several examples of both good and bad letters.
posted
Thank you, Osiris. I see what you are saying. I also should say I do have one of the Writers Markets. But it's not the Delux edition. I know where they are located at Barnes and Nobles, though, and I think I will take a look at it.
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I have the Novel & Short Story one as well, if thats the one you have, it does not include the query clinic unfortunately.
Posts: 1043 | Registered: Jul 2010
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Okay, I will deffinitely. Any suggestions on how to combine the two queries? I'm not sure how i would start something like that. If either of you two, or any one else, has any suggestions, feel free to throw them my way. Thanks.
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How about, "Justin Adams is in the fight of his life against a red-eyed demon who is trying to possess him. When the demon voice in his head assaults him with the claim that his 'perfect' girlfriend, Jessica, is being unfaithful, Justin struggles to ignore it. As the barrage gets louder and more persistent, that thought is all he can think about. And the men hanging around Jessica just add fuel to his fire. The changes he is experiencing are not only frightening him, they are driving away the woman he loves. It's not long before Justin realizes that the demon's strength is keeping pace with his own growing jealousy and lust. He knows if he doesn't fight back, Jessica and her 'so-called' friends are in for a hellish night."
Posts: 42 | Registered: Jul 2010
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I like the way chalkdustfairy suggested combining them! I'd change the word "frightening" to "terrifying" in the line "The changes he is experiencing are not only frightening him, they are driving away the woman he loves." But that's all I can think of. Sounds much better put together like this!
Posts: 184 | Registered: Jun 2009
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The problem I have with the way chalkdustfairy is laying out is that it states the conflict without giving a strong sense of what is to be lost if he fails in his struggle against this demon.
In fact, when you have a look at Writer's Market, the example they use for a good fiction novel query letter does exactly this. The first line explaining the story states the MC is a model with a good life and THEN goes into what goes wrong with the good life.
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