I set the goal to start querying on Sept. 15th. I'm looking for some honestly brutal critiques for my query below and my synopsis. The summary is almost 2 pages single spaced. If you can help, please email me at: charity.bradford@gmail.com.

I will gladly return the favor. Now that the kids are back in school, I have more time and will be more active on the forums as well.

Thanks and here is the query.

Version #3
Dear _______,

In a world that tried to crush all forms of magic in favor of science, astronomer Talia Shannon is trapped. Prophetic nightmares point to an approaching invasion, but Talia cannot warn the military about it for fear of exposing her magical nature. If anyone learned she could heal herself, every scientist on the planet would want a piece of her. She searches for the scientific proof needed to warn them, but time is up.

The Dragumen, a human dragon hybrid, have returned to claim the planet Sendek as their own. These creatures lost all magical ability when they were exiled from the planet. Enraged and hungry for revenge, they stole technology and began the journey home. They perfected their military prowess and collected more advanced technology along the way. Now, they are smarter and stronger than the people of Sendek, with scales that make them nearly indestructible.

Talia must learn to trust the magic coursing through her veins if she wants to survive the invasion and find a way to save her world. When science fails to protect her way of life, magic becomes the only hope.

Sendek is an 84,000 word Science Fantasy novel. The complete manuscript is available at your request.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Version 2:

Dear _______,

In a world that tried to crush all forms of magic in favor of science, Talia Shannon is trapped. She is unable to warn the military about an extraterrestrial invasion because her only proof are the nightmares she has had all her life. Instead, she has spent her life searching for the scientific proof needed to warn them. But time is up.

A loner by habit, Talia’s life is turned upside down by a commander in the Royalist army when he accuses her of treason. They call a truce when the Draguman return from exile. This race of human/dragon hybrids, fashioned by magic in the planet’s past, has only one goal. Use superior science and technology to wipe out the humans and reclaim the planet Sendek as their own. Talia and the Commander must survive the invasion and raise a magical army to save their planet from the Draguman.

When science fails to protect their way of life, magic becomes their only hope.

Sendek is an 84,000 word Science Fantasy novel. The complete manuscript is available at your request.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Version 1:

Dear _______,

As her nightmares of invasion and death become reality, a lonely scientist embraces forgotten magic to save her world from an ancient evil.

In a world that tried to crush all forms of magic in favor of science, Talia Shannon is trapped. Unable to warn the military about the impending invasion because her source is magical, she has spent her life searching for the scientific proof needed to warn them. But time is up.

A loner by habit, Talia’s life is turned upside down by a commander in the Royalist army when he accuses her of treason. They call a truce when the Draguman, a creature fashioned by magic in Sendek’s past, return from exile. Their only goal? Use superior science and technology to wipe out the humans. Together Talia and the Commander must survive the invasion and raise a magical army to save their planet from the Draguman.

When science fails to protect their way of life, magic becomes their only hope.

Sendek is an 84,000 word Science Fantasy novel. The complete manuscript is available at your request.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

quote:

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They call a truce when the Draguman, a creature fashioned by magic in Sendek’s past, return from exile.

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You need to clarify exactly who or what Sendek is--a country, a person? Maybe, since it's also the title of your book, you could explain what it is in a sentence inserted before your first sentence. I think that might be a less abrupt opening to your query letter.

quote:

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As her nightmares of invasion and death become reality, a lonely scientist embraces forgotten magic to save her world from an ancient evil.

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I'd put the main character's name up front. In fact, you might do without this line and put the nightmares in the next paragraph.

quote:

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In a world that tried to crush all forms of magic in favor of science, Talia Shannon is trapped. Unable to warn the military about the impending invasion because her source is magical, she has spent her life searching for the scientific proof needed to warn them. But time is up.

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You know, you don't have to start every sentence with a dependent clause. Vary it a little.

quote:

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A loner by habit, Talia’s life is turned upside down by a commander in the Royalist army when he accuses her of treason. They call a truce when the Draguman, a creature fashioned by magic in Sendek’s past, return from exile. Their only goal? Use superior science and technology to wipe out the humans. Together Talia and the Commander must survive the invasion and raise a magical army to save their planet from the Draguman.

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I'd leave out the place name (Sendek). Don't use a rhetorical question. Some agents have a knee-jerk reaction to it. The last two sentences don't connect. Their goal is to use superior science, but then they're raising a magical army. In fact, the last sentence above and the one below say almost exactly the same thing. I'd cut the one above.

This is the place for some specifics about the Draguman. Show what makes your story unique.

quote:

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When science fails to protect their way of life, magic becomes their only hope.

Sendek is an 84,000 word Science Fantasy novel. The complete manuscript is available at your request.

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Hope this helps. You can send me the synopsis, if you want.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Apemantus, thanks for your comment. I think I could trim the first paragraph. Will consider that.

Corky, I've struggled with the whole Sendek thing for a year now and agree I need to define it here. Sendek is the planet itself, which becomes almost a character by the end of the series. Also Draguman is plural--something else I struggled with. There isn't a separate term separating the singular or plural, but in every instance I use the word it is for the race as a whole. They see themselves as one, and since I made it up I figured I could fudge on rules a bit.

Osiris, I have already submitted my query to Query Shark (LOVE Janet's site), but not heard a reply.

quote:

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Dear _______,

In a world that tried to crush all forms of magic in favor of science, Talia Shannon is trapped. She is unable to warn the military about an extraterrestrial invasion because her only proof are the nightmares she has had all her life. Instead, she has spent her life searching for the scientific proof needed to warn them. But time is up.

A loner by habit, Talia’s life is turned upside down by a commander in the Royalist army when he accuses her of treason. Be more specific here. What does he accuse her of? Does it have anything to do with her magical abilities. They call a truce when the Draguman return from exile Is this the extraterrestrial invasion Talia dreams of? If it is then would they be considered extraterrestrial if they originated on Senek?. This race of human/dragon hybrids, fashioned by magic in the planet’s past, has only one goal. Use superior science and technology (they have magic but they use technology?) to wipe out the humans and reclaim the planet Sendek as their own. Talia and the Commander must survive the invasion and raise a magical army to save their planet from the Draguman.

When science fails to protect their way of life, magic becomes their only hope.

Sendek is an 84,000 word Science Fantasy novel. The complete manuscript is available at your request.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

---

Overall, I think this sounds like an interesting story. If I was an agent I'd request a partial.

quote:

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They call a truce when the Draguman return from exile Is this the extraterrestrial invasion Talia dreams of? If it is then would they be considered extraterrestrial if they originated on Senek?. This race of human/dragon hybrids, fashioned by magic in the planet’s past, has only one goal. Use superior science and technology (they have magic but they use technology?)

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This is the invasion Talia has dreamed of. No one on Sendek remembers anything about the creation of the Draguman. They don't really believe in dragons and magic, but fear anything that can't be explained by science. So, as far as Talia is concerned, these creatures are from another place until she learns otherwise.

The Draguman had magic powers when they lived on Sendek, but lost them when they were exiled. Their magic is intrinsically connected to the planet itself. So, in order to return they stole technology along the journey through space (I actually have their whole history written out and am toying with using it for a novelette.) There are things neither group understand about magic and how it connects everyone, but they will learn them over the course of the story. So, their goal is to use the stolen technology, which is far more advanced than the Sendekians, to conquer and reclaim their world.

The people of Sendek have to learn how to work magic fast with the help of another alien who has followed the Draguman seeking revenge. Poor Jaron didn't even make it into the query. This of course opens up a whole power struggle mess which will be covered in book 2--still to be written, but outlined.

I really liked your query. I understand that you can't address all of my questions especially with a complex plot. You don't want to bog the query down with too many plot elements, IMO.

That said I really liked this.

quote:

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The Draguman had magic powers when they lived on Sendek, but lost them when they were exiled. Their magic is intrinsically connected to the planet itself. So, in order to return they stole technology along the journey through space (I actually have their whole history written out and am toying with using it for a novelette.) There are things neither group understand about magic and how it connects everyone, but they will learn them over the course of the story. So, their goal is to use the stolen technology, which is far more advanced than the Sendekians, to conquer and reclaim their world.

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I don't know if you can work it into your query, but I thought it was very intriguing.

Good luck.

Corky, I'll think about it. You're right, it could solve some issues. I've thought about trying to come up with something completely different as well. Unfortunately, they've been the Draguman for 7 years and I'm change resistant! I'm getting better though. I have to if I'm going to make writing work.

I think you should change the organization. Start with the Dragumen. That will naturally transition to Talia's prophetic nightmares about them, and the nightmares will naturally transition to the central problem of Talia standing on both sides of the magic-science line.

quote:

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If anyone learned that she could heal herself, every scientist on the planet would want a piece of her.

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Not sure if you are just trying out the way it sounds, but are you changing the race name to Dragumen or was that just a slip?

I would love to read your synopsis and offer whatever help I can.