posted
I am in the UK our format for the letter is slightly different, it starts with the the book and what it is, and contains a mini synopsis.
quote:Hopefully final one it is a lot different and the final paragraph will come out after a certain query it has been requested by a particular agent. Being in the UK the word count and genre come first. And most ask you to demonstrate you know a bit about the market your book is aimed at hence the mentioning of the other books
Someone Else's Life is a 45,000-word completed young adult fantasy novel. I am submitting the synopsis and first three sample chapters for your kind consideration. Prince Angus Lorenzo has long, blonde unwashed hair. He is six foot ten and built like a behemoth. He starts the story having a row with his dad - King Lorenzo II about having a brawl in the street, then going fishing instead of continuing to school. The prestigious Royal Academy want to expel him, and his dad is furious. Their relationship that was going down the toilet is now residing firmly in the sewage plant. Things are not looking good for Angus.
In the space of twenty-four hours the evil Princess Evelyn murders their father, and the Crown Prince Socrates announces he is gay and abdicates. The woman who helped bring Angus up poisons him. He survives and is forced to become King. The death of King Lorenzo II opens the floodgates for many secrets to be revealed. Many people close to Angus have lived hidden lives in fear of repercussions. He is approached and mentored by the mysterious Abbot who introduces him to the magic of Covesea Island. Angus himself learns skills that allow him to turn into a Great White Falcon and he has a special relationship with his animal friends Gorse the wolf, Galileo the cat and Invincible the horse. Other people can live for hundreds of years, effect emotions and thoughts, some can transport themselves and several can morph into birds. He marries the tall auburn haired beauty Beatrice, who has kept much hidden from him in the past. Together they work to sort out corruption, restore the ancient magic and avenge the assassination of King Lorenzo II.
The story is written from a first person point of view inspired by young adult novels like Across the Nightingale Floor by Lian Hearne and The God Box by Alex Sanchez. Although the story is set on another world the teenagers are very normal and deal with some difficult issues. Angus and Beatrice have both lost their mothers. Angus has a strained relationship with his father and he discovers his hero worshipped brother is gay. He is self conscious about his body and has less self conscious friends who like to sing while they pee. Beatrice has not told Angus she was brought up with two fathers. The main theme of the novel is a young man who is forced to adapt to the strange adult world around him. He also has to face some extraordinary situations, such as being called upon to execute the corrupt General who helped assassinate his father. The length and language of the novel may also make it suitable for reluctant readers.
I am a thirty-four year old, home educating Mum of three who lives in the North East of Scotland. Last February I began to doodle, that doodle turned into Angus. Angus spawned a story. Pleased with myself I let a teenager read it and he loved it, so much so he shared my appalling first draft with a few friends. They spurred me on to write more demanding new chapters, providing me with invaluable insights into when Angus was behaving more like a middle aged lady than a teenage boy. They are now helping me with my second book. Thanks to drama classes and time at Speakers Club, I am a confident public speaker and love reading stories to young children.
Dear__________
Someone Else's Life is a completed 43,625 word young adult fantasy novel, that I submit for your kind consideration. Extraordinary things happen to ordinary people. Following a family trauma, 'The Royal Oaf,' Prince Angus Lorenzo is forced to become King of Covesea Island, responsible for every creature in the universe.
Following his father's assassination at the hands of his sister, and his brother's abdication, Angus discovers a whole world that has been kept hidden from him. People he has known all his life can transform into birds, control minds, and live for over half a century. Angus has been kept ignorant by his evil grandfather and weak scientifically minded father, but he decides to no longer remain that way. He is determined to restore Covesea Island as the heart of the universe. Bullied by his girlfriend Beatrice into marrying her, they set about sorting out corruption and restoring the religious orders to their rightful place in society. The novel ends with an assassination attempt on Angus by his nephew, showing how far they still have to go before they can enjoy peace.
The nature of the story, the fast paced action and straightforward language may be attractive to reluctant readers. I also have a second novel that is more than half way through the first draft and two further ones planned.
quote: Slight Revision
Dear__________
Someone Else's Life is a completed 43,625 word young adult fantasy fiction novel, I submit for your kind consideration. Following a family trauma, Prince Angus Lorenzo 'The Royal Oaf', is forced to become King of Covesea Island, responsible for every creature in the universe.
Following his father's assassination at the hands of his sister, and his brother's abdication, Angus discovers a whole world that has been kept hidden from him. People he has known all his life can transform into birds, control minds, and live for over half a millennium. Angus has been kept ignorant by his evil grandfather and weak scientifically minded father, but he decides to no longer remain that way. He is determined to restore Covesea Island as the heart of the universe, providing balance for everyone of the Universal Father's creatures. Browbeaten by his girlfriend Beatrice into marrying her, they set about sorting out corruption and restoring the religious orders to their rightful place in society. The novel ends with an assassination attempt on Angus by his nephew, showing how far they still have to go before they can enjoy peace.
[This message has been edited by Kimlin (edited September 04, 2010).]
[This message has been edited by Kimlin (edited September 12, 2010).]
[This message has been edited by Kimlin (edited September 12, 2010).]
[This message has been edited by Kimlin (edited September 12, 2010).]
posted
You say the format for British agents is different, which leaves me a little at a loss.
quote:Someone Else's Life is a completed 43,625 word young adult fantasy novel, that I submit for your kind consideration.
New paragraph here, I think.
quote:Extraordinary things happen to ordinary people.
That's a pretty cliche opening. I'd leave that sentence out.
quote:Following a family trauma, 'The Royal Oaf,' Prince Angus Lorenzo is forced to become King of Covesea Island, responsible for every creature in the universe.
Why is the King of Covesea Island responsible for the universe. Maybe a little bit of detail here to bring the reader into this world.
quote:Following his father's assassination at the hands of his sister, and his brother's abdication, Angus discovers a whole world that has been kept hidden from him. People he has known all his life can transform into birds, control minds, and live for over half a century.
Speaking from the high side of fifty myself, that doesn't seem like such an extraordinary thing.
quote:Angus has been kept ignorant by his evil grandfather and weak scientifically minded father, but he decides to no longer remain that way.
This last sentence feels wordy. "Not to remain" is possibly clearer.
quote:He is determined to restore Covesea Island as the heart of the universe. Bullied by his girlfriend Beatrice into marrying her, they set about sorting out corruption and restoring the religious orders to their rightful place in society. The novel ends with an assassination attempt on Angus by his nephew, showing how far they still have to go before they can enjoy peace.
It's not common practice here to tell the ending in the query letter. (In the synopsis, yes.) I don't know if it's different there or not.
quote:The nature of the story, the fast paced action and straightforward language may be attractive to reluctant readers. I also have a second novel that is more than half way through the first draft and two further ones planned.
Here, I would say cut this paragraph. The agent will ask you about other books if they're interested. And they usually want to judge how fast-paced the story is and who the readers might be for themselves.
posted
Half a century should be half a millenium that does change it a lot lol thanks.
My understanding is the middle paragraph functions as a mini synopsis.
The last paragraph is for a specific publishers they want to know if the book maybe suitable for reluctant readers, they have a section that specialises in it. I'll take it out for anyone else.
Could do with another way of explaining the ordinariness of the people hmmm, OK back to the drawing board.
[This message has been edited by Kimlin (edited September 04, 2010).]
posted
Well, I'm thinking more the specialness of the islanders is what's lacking. What makes them so important?
Posts: 365 | Registered: Aug 2010
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quote:Someone Else's Life is a completed 43,625 word young adult fantasy fiction novel, I submit for your kind consideration.
I would drop the work "kind". Either it will be or it won't. Oh, and I know in the States they want you to round the word count. You may want to check on that for your area. So, it would read 44,000 words.
quote:Following a family trauma, Prince Angus Lorenzo 'The Royal Oaf', is forced to become King of Covesea Island, responsible for every creature in the universe.
I agree with the others. The interesting part here is the "responsible for every creature in the universe. It is what makes this unique, so tell us more about the island and what it has to do with the mess Angus is in. Does someone not want him to restore everything to rights? Why?
quote:Following his father's assassination at the hands of his sister, and his brother's abdication, Angus discovers a whole world that has been kept hidden from him. People he has known all his life can transform into birds, control minds, and live for over half a millennium. Angus has been kept ignorant by his evil grandfather and weak scientifically minded father, but he decides to no longer remain that way. He is determined to restore Covesea Island as the heart of the universe, providing balance for everyone of the Universal Father's creatures.
Why did they keep him ignorant? This goes back to who's the antagonist and why do they want Angus to fail. Other than that this is a good paragraph. You have lots of information and enough details to intrigue me.
I think the story sounds interesting. Good luck, you have a great start here!
[This message has been edited by CharityBradford (edited September 04, 2010).]
posted
There are some interesting ideas here, but I am not seeing the story.
quote:Dear__________
Someone Else's Life is a completed 43,625 word young adult fantasy fiction novel, I submit for your kind (cut kind) consideration. Following a family trauma, (Is the family trauma the assassination of his father? If so put that info here. If not be more specific) Prince Angus Lorenzo 'The Royal Oaf', is forced to become King of Covesea Island, responsible for every creature in the universe. I agree with others. Why does being a king of an island make him the king of the universe?
Following his father's assassination at the hands of his sister, and his brother's abdication, (I am not sure if we need all of this info here. Why not say "Once king...) Angus discovers a whole world that has been kept hidden from him. (cut the whole world statement. This is vague and meaningless. Either be specific about the world that is kept from him or cut this sentence and move on to the next one, which has very nice specific details) People he has known all his life can transform into birds, control minds, and live for over half a millennium. Angus has been kept ignorant by his evil grandfather and weak scientifically minded father (giving one word definitions of characters makes me fear these characters are one dimensional (I am sure they aren't, but that is how they come across). How about giving the reason they kept this from him? They must have a good reason even if they are evil and weak), but he decides to no longer remain that way. Why? Is there some benefit to exposing these bird people? Are they secretly controlling the population or snatching up tasty puppies when they are birds? He is determined to restore Covesea Island as the heart of the universe, (once again why is this little island the center of the universe?) providing balance for everyone of the Universal Father's creatures. Browbeaten by his girlfriend Beatrice into marrying her, they set about sorting out corruption and restoring the religious orders to their rightful place in society. (Beatrice feels like a side note and not important enough to be in the query. The novel ends with an assassination attempt on Angus by his nephew, showing how far they still have to go before they can enjoy peace. I really don't think you should talk about the ending in the query. The purpose of a query is to entice the agent to read further. It is more like a blurb on the back of a novel.
I really think this query letter needs focus. What does Angus want? Who or what is trying to stop him? What happens if he fails? If you answer these questions, the plot will be much clearer.
All I know know from this query is that there are secret bird-people who Angus wants to expose. I don't know why he wants to or how it will bring peace to the universe if he does. I don't understand the stakes, and therefore, I don't care if he accomplishes his goals.
Of course this is JMO. Good luck with this.
[This message has been edited by MAP (edited September 04, 2010).]
posted
Dear Someone Else's Life, is a completed 45,000-word young adult fantasy novel, I am submitting for your kind consideration. Seventeen year old Prince Angus Lorenzo, 'The Royal Oaf', is forced to become King of Covesea Island. His father is assassinated at the hands of his sister, and his brother abdicates.
The night of his father's assassination Angus is approached by the mysterious Abbot. The Abbot becomes his mentor and shows him a world that he was unaware existed. His evil grandfather and weak father had marginalised the religion and magic practises of Covesea Island. People close to Angus have been forced through fear to keep aspects of their lives secret from him and he feels like the whole of his life has been a lie. He discovers the ability within himself to turn into a Great White Falcon and heal animals. Anyone on the Island is capable of turning into a bird, some can live for hundreds of years, invade minds, transport themselves around. Angus's girlfriend Beatrice talks him into marrying her. Together King Angus and Queen Beatrice set about restoring the religious practices to the island and fighting the corruption that has seeped into society.
The story is written from a first person point of view inspired by young adult novels like Across the Nightingale Floor by Lian Hearne and the God Box by Alex Sanchez. Although the story is set on another world the teenagers are very normal and deal with some very real issues. Angus and Beatrice have both lost their mothers. Angus has a strained relationship with his father and he discovers his hero worshipped brother is gay. Beatrice has been keeping secret that she has two fathers. The main theme of the novel is a young man who is forced to adapt to the strange adult world around him. The length and language of the novel may also make it suitable for reluctant readers.
[This message has been edited by Kimlin (edited September 11, 2010).]
The first thing I see in this query, though, is your first sentence. Your information on the novel should deffinitely be at the end.
An agent wants to know what the book is about first, and they want to be enticed enough to read more, and then find out the information on the novel, word count, target audience, etc... and that stuff should be placed at the end.
Also, I think you should stick with only one tense in your query. I think you switch tenses in this a couple times. I don't know for sure if that's a major problem the way you have it, but I'd find out.
There should be a comma after "Together"
I don't know if it's a problem, but it could be to a few agents: it might not be such a good idea to include any mention of other novels in the third paragraph. I don't usually see that in queries, but I wouldn't know for sure. Maybe someone else could be of better help with that part.
You don't need the word "very" twice in the same sentence. You could get rid of the word "very" altogether.
sorry should have mentioned it is not a US query - so for me the novel title and word amount goes at the top. If your novel is wrong length or genre it saves the agent/publisher time.
Also we are asked to demonstrate we have an idea of the market it is for as long as we don't say our book is as good as etc using other books indicates a knowledge of the genre,
posted
Ahhh. Okay. I understand what you are saying. I apologize for being misinformed. But I do wish you best of luck with this, too. You also sent me a few chapters, or a synopsis, or both. I have not yet been able to get to those, but I will ASAP. It's just a lot has been going on, keeping me from it.
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posted
That's OK have had two friends go through my first three chapters with a fine tooth comb. It has been good, one is English and one American but has known my main character for a long time so she is sympathetic to his voice
It has been first time it hasn't come back with spelling, grammar and comments about word misuse so feeling better about the whole thing.
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