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Chou Li braced himself as his 5 am radio show began to commence. His sister, still sleeping an hour away in her new apartment by Zhongshan Park, was due to visit within hours, and he had no idea what to say to her. It wasn’t that Chou couldn’t speak to her sister – but to tell her the heart breaking news about father wasn’t going to be an easy task.
Chou looked down at the old shoebox he had torn apart the day before. They sat there, harmless, waiting to read. Every single one of the letters, a dagger to Chou’s heart. Every single letter, the truth. And while father taught Chou to tell the truth at all times, how could he tell his sister the truth? It would shame her. No – it would shame father, mother, even uncle! No. Hide the truth! Chou told himself. I have to protect…
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I liked the premise of this and how you incorporated a twist within the first 13. At first I thought father was dead and wondered why Chou was waiting to tell his sister, but apparently it’s a secret in the letters from a father who taught his children to tell the truth but may not have lived it - and that hooked me.
Nits: the 5am show is his clock radio turning on, not that he is a radio personality?
Also remove one of the ‘hour’s in line two (His sister, still asleep/still sleeping in her new apartment OR instead of ‘visit within hours’ say ‘for breakfast, or midmorning’ etc.
The ‘they’ in ‘they sat there’ would be less confusing as ‘the letters.’
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I liked this. I had the same stumbling blocks as RoxyL (clock/radio show and 'they' referring to the letters). I also first parsed 'His sister, still sleeping an hour away' to refer to a traveling distance, rather than the period of her sleep.
'It wasn't that Chou couldn't speak to her sister...' I guess it should be "his sister."
'began to commence' is redundant. Maybe just 'began.'
And while father taught Chou to tell the truth at all times, how could he tell his sister the truth? The 'he' refers to Chou by proximity, but because of the symmetry of the sentence, it would be easy to think it refers to 'father'.
I think all instances of 'father,' 'mother' and 'uncle' should be capped, since they're used as names.
quote: Chou Li braced himself as his 5 am radio show began to commence. His sister, still sleeping an hour away in her new apartment by Zhongshan Park, was due to visit within hours, and he had no idea what to say to her. It wasn’t that Chou couldn’t speak to her sister – but to tell her the heart breaking news about father wasn’t going to be an easy task. Chou looked down at the old shoebox he had torn apart the day before. They sat there, harmless, waiting to read. Every single one of the letters, a dagger to Chou’s heart. Every single letter, the truth. And while father taught Chou to tell the truth at all times, how could he tell his sister the truth? It would shame her. No – it would shame father, mother, even uncle! No. Hide the truth! Chou told himself. I have to protect…
Not too bad, except for the nits already discussed, sounds like most of us caught the same thing. I like Dr. Bob's idea. It does get the reader into the story faster and adds a stronger hook immediately.
One thing I don't anyone mentioned was the end of your first sentence, "began to commence", I think it sounds redundant.
You might shorten a couple of those sentences or break them up. It sounds more active reads faster..I think..with shorter sentences.
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