Farrar had been frustrated before. In a way, he considered it a necessary aspect of life. The greater the challenge, or the more burdensome it became, the more joy one felt when the struggle was a mere memory, usually illuminated on a very shiny medal or shield on his wall. He had numerous awards, although one would be hard pressed to find such a high ranking and elderly magician in the empire without his share of awards. The services to the empire were engraved in gold, and ranged from his abilities at the academy so many years ago to commanding a prestigious imperial legion. Magicians, as part of their nature, were ruthless, ambitious, cunning, arrogant- and Farrar was considered the perfect magician. A long history of serving the empire and higher magicians had slowly pulled him to the
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited November 08, 2010).]
Version 2- OK, here is an attempted rewrite to show why he's frustrated. I get to that later originally, but I'll try and do it sooner here...
Farrar had been frustrated before. It normally didn't bother him, because he considered it necessary. The greater the challenge, the more joy he felt when the memory was etched in gold on an award hanging from his wall. His awards were many, though you would be hard pressed to find such a high ranking and elderly magician in the empire without his share of rewards. Magicians, as part of their nature, were ruthless,ambitious, arrogant- and Farrar was the perfect magician. As steward of Harrar prison, there was no mind he had not broken, no secret a man's brain could hide from him- except, the cause of his frustration, who's mind had somehow eluded him, sitting in a chair across the desk from the most powerful magician in the world. A ten year old boy.
[This message has been edited by rjgraff (edited December 07, 2010).]
posted
hmmm first impression....there's nothing wrong with the voice, not sure if its a good idea starting with an authorial interpretation of a character straight out though. You might be better served with a little action so we can visualise the scene, and then giving us this piece of exposition after.
Just my two bobs worth.
[This message has been edited by Grimwood (edited November 08, 2010).]
[This message has been edited by Grimwood (edited November 08, 2010).]
posted
I like the first sentence, it's a good hook. I think though you should pair down the other sentences a little:
Farrar had been frustrated before. In a way, he considered it a necessary aspect of life. The greater the challenge, [/ cut or the more burdensome it became], the more joy one felt when [ it could be etched in gold for the world to see.] [In Farrar's particular case, this meant being] illuminated on [his medal rack placed pretty conspicuously on his chamber] wall. [new paragraph]
So I think this first 13 has some promise. I like your characterization here. It's a querky, arrogant sort of person and that's likable. Just be sure that your opening sentences aren't too wordy. Mostly, I think you were packing too many phrases in a single sentence. Don't be afraid to use a period, and break some of these ideas up. Also, don't repeat yourself. Look for redundancies, and when you cut some of those out, I think you find that your sentences are a lot more solid.
I'd be happy to take a look, If you need a reader at any point.
[This message has been edited by Jennywinnie (edited November 09, 2010).]
posted
I agree. The first sentence is interesting, but perhaps after that show why he's frustrated instead of all the backstory. I don't care much about his medals and service at the moment because nothing is happening to pique my interest.
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posted
This read very well. As I was reading it I wondered if Farrar's personality was such that he would sit around admiring his medals and awards. It smacks of arrogance and self-accolade (yeah I know that is not a real word), which is a believable trait of the powerful wizardy types, especially the evil ones. Unless he is thinking these thoughts to acknowledge the lunacy of golden awards and schtuff and their valueless nature.
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posted
I think right here, in the first 13 lines, we confront the problem every fantasy author struggles with: there is so much to explain before the story can get moving.
You are obviously sneaking world building right into the very first paragraph. It's not bad so far as it goes, but it doesn't stand out either. Lots of writers have their protags ponder the commonplace facts of the world as a way of slipping a background briefing under our noses, but I always find something a bit contrived about that. Still, it's often done that way.
Maybe you could somehow have your protagonist in motion, doing something understandable that leads us to all this information.
I would love to talk about how Farrar is frustrated and get more feedback, but that's beyond the thirteen lines... Is there a way I can post more of the writing to get more feedback? I would love for anyone to take a look.
posted
You could rewrite the first 13 lines to focus on what Farrar is frustrated about this time. Rewritten 13 lines may be posted without any problem.
One way to do that--in fact, a preferred way--is to edit your first post at the beginning of this topic, and add the rewrite as "version 2" under the first version.
Farrar had been frustrated before. It normally didn't bother him, because he considered it a normal challenge of life. The greater the challenge, the more joy he felt when the memory was etched in gold on an award hanging from his wall. Magicians, as part of their nature, were ruthless, ambitious, arrogant- and Farrar was the quintessential magician. His awards were many, though one would be hard pressed to find such a high ranking and elderly magician within the empire without his share of rewards. As steward of Harrar prison, there was no mind he had not broken, no secret a man's brain could hide - except, the cause of his frustration. Sitting in a chair across the desk from the most powerful magician in the world was one who's mind had somehow eluded him - a ten year old boy.
I like where this story is going, btw.
[This message has been edited by PB&Jenny (edited December 09, 2010).]
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Quintessential is a marvelous word, by the way. I love it.
