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Author Topic: First 13 for fantasy novel The Giftchild
vanguardjd
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Hi all,

My novel is epic fantasy. It's complete at 205,000 words. I'd appreciate feedback on the first 13. This is aimed at an older teen to adult audience.

So without further ado:

“Please be brave,” a mild voice cooed, as if soothing a baby. Alyn felt cold fingers brush his cheek lightly, gently. "Today, everything changes. I’m so sorry.” The touch was soft, feminine, kind.
"I'm up, Da, I'm up," he mumbled, still mostly asleep.
The fingers stroked his hair for a moment and a set of cool lips lightly kissed his forehead. Alyn's eyes fluttered open in surprise. He knew that was not his father. He expected the gray dimness of early morning, but as he opened his eyes all the world was a ghostly white and in the midst of the whiteness a whiter face; a woman's face - old, quiet, gaunt, yet with a smile that radiated tenderness.
Alyn screamed and threw himself against the leaning wall of the

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited December 09, 2010).]


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History
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205,000 words.
I suspect this took some time.
And I suspect, based on these first 13 lines, that the story may benefit from eliminating extraneous wordage (mine does).
E.g.

“Please be brave.”
Alyn felt cold fingers brush his cheek as he began to awake.
"Everything changes. I’m so sorry.”
The touch was soft, gentle.
"I'm up, Da, I'm up," he mumbled.
The fingers stroked his hair, then cool lips kissed his forehead.
Alyn's eyes fluttered open. A kiss? This was not his father. Instead of the gray dimness of early morning, he saw only a ghostly white, as if fog filled the room, and in the midst of the whiteness, a snow-pale face; a woman's face -- old, haggard, yet with a smile that radiated tenderness.
Alyn threw himself against the leaning wall of the cabin loft, and his screaming broke the night’s silence.

Most adverbs should be omitted. I tend to enjoy more sensory description (touch, smell, sound, taste, as well as sight), though others may not--for example, the addition of the decriptive "as if fog filled the room" to "ghostly white," and "snow-pale" to describe the ghost's face. How "cold" and how "cool" was the spectre's touch and kiss?

I'm not sure how a smile "radiates tenderness," or if Alyn would have perceived this if his reaction is fearful.

What these lines impart:
1) Alyn is a boy who is about to face a change in his life requiring bravery.
2) Alyn expects to be wakened by his father.
3) There is a beneficent preternatural being that has foreknowledge of the change that Alyn will face and who has affection for him.

It might be of benefit for you post another 13 lines from half-way through the 205,000 words. I find I don't shake out the wrinkles and brambles in the flow of words until I'm well into the story.

Thanks for the opportunity to read and comment.

Respectfully,
Dr. Bob


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vanguardjd
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Dr. Bob,

Thank you for your critique. I've been told before that I am too wordy. Actually, the first draft came in at 300,000 words, so the present draft is already quite hacked down. Oh, to have the gift of brevity!

I think I will take a few of your suggestions and incorporate them. It's very helpful to see the same scene written in another style. I am glad to see that at least the scene is clear in the action.
- Jeff

[This message has been edited by vanguardjd (edited December 09, 2010).]


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Jennywinnie
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So first there were A LOT of redundancies. White was use several times, soft touch or gentle was use every other sentence. 'Fingers' were over used as well... you get the point. Try to use all of the senses, instead of just touch. Sight, sound, taste, smell, touch... you had sight and touch but use more and you'll find there's are a thousand different things to bring to this besides just (lightly gently touched and caressed with her fingers)

I took out a few modifiers and tried to make the descriptions a little more active. I also made the last line sound a little more negative because the baby doesn't care a whit about the woman...he wants his Dad. He doesn't care how saintly, or compassionate she is, and we need to feel what he's feeling there...a little more, in order to empathize.

So anyway, I changed a few things around and added some words, but it's all just a suggestion to help you think about what other things you'd could do with it.

OK so here's the break down:

“Please be brave,” a mild voice cooed, as if soothing a baby. [I'd just cut this line it feels a little over done, since I don't know what they are talking about and have no emotion or empathy for these people yet]

[start here] Alyn felt [a set of] cold [withered] fingers brush his cheek.

"Today, everything changes [little one]." [The same hand smoothed back his hair.]

"I up, Da," he [rubbed his eyes], [still groggy from sleep.]

The fingers continued their caress, but they were smaller, colder than usual. Alyn's eyes fluttered open in surprise. This was not his father. [In panic] he realized his nursery window was gone. No familiar gray morning met his gaze. All the world was a ghostly white and in the midst of the [wild tangles] [perched] a sunken face; [some] woman - old, quiet, gaunt, awkwardly tender.

Alyn [whimpered first and then balled his fists, and arched his back screeching in an all out tantrum]. [His fit was so violent that he broke free of the woman's grip] and [hurled] himself against the leaning wall of the

See how to new interesting words sort of give it a punch...it's more active now. When the redundancies are cut, we have new room to add more details. Now as far as plot, I think it's looking good. It's a good hook and can keep the reader's interest.


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vanguardjd
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Jennywinnie,

Sorry for taking so long to reply to your critique. I didn't realize this opening makes Alyn seem younger than he is in the story. He's a teenager, but apparently I didn't do a good job of indicating this. I think you're right that the first phrase needs to go, as it's both over done and misleading.

Thanks for the ideas on sensory words as well. Very helpful! I'm going to rework this and post again within the next few days.
- Jeff


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vanguardjd
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As promised, here's a redo:

“Oh, no, have I overslept?” Alyn threw off his wool blanket and rubbed the sleep from his eyes in the grey pre-dawn light. He shivered as he put his socks on. There was not usually this much light when he woke up. No sounds yet from the barn, though. Odd.
He hopped down from the loft to the ground below. To his surprise, a light was coming from the crack below his father’s door. “Da, are you already awake?” he whispered as he opened the door. A ghostly figure of shining light was kneeling by the bed, stroking his sleeping father’s hair. It turned its face - her face – and smiled.
Alyn stepped back and tried to scream but no sound would come. The apparition approached him, not walking but floating. He

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited December 16, 2010).]


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PB&Jenny
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Wow. It's like a totally different story. I like.
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valjean03
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One thing that threw me off slightly, was that I did not get the who, what where. While it is succinct as is and grabbed my attention, because I don't know the who what when where when I read the quotation, I ended up re-reading the paragraphs to make sure I understood everything. Maybe move the quotation to after the first paragraph? I may read further, but that doesn't mean others will. But a solid start! I just found the rhythm could be smoother.


As promised, here's a redo:

“Oh, no, have I overslept?” Alyn threw off his wool blanket and rubbed the sleep from his eyes in the grey pre-dawn light. He shivered as he put his socks on. There was not usually this much light when he woke up. No sounds yet from the barn, though. Odd.
He hopped down from the loft to the ground below. To his surprise, a light was coming from the crack below his father’s door. “Da, are you already awake?” he whispered as he opened the door. A ghostly figure of shining light was kneeling by the bed, stroking his sleeping father’s hair. It turned its face - her face – and smiled.
Alyn stepped back and tried to scream but no sound would come. The apparition approached him, not walking but floating. He

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited December 16, 2010).]


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vanguardjd
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valjean,
Thanks for the feedback. This is helpful.

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