FYI "Rinpoche" ("rin" "poash" "uh") is a Tibetan title meaning "beloved" "dear". It is routinely conferred on respected teachers, especially one's own teacher.

-- summary ---
In the far distant future, mighty warrior sages wander the wastelands of North America, meting out justice and fighting ignorance with their peculiar mix of Tibetan Buddhism and Judaism.

Young Benno is a slave to a bandit guild on the northwest New Jersey frontier. He is brave, but his cavalier attitude toward danger is no asset to the guild because it extends to asking uncomfortable questions. Then Benno's squad has the bad fortune of choosing the sage Choseng Schwartz as their next victim. Schwartz's fighting skills are supreme; he terrifies the bandit guild into freeing all its slaves, including Benno. Grateful Benno pesters Schwartz into accepting him as a disciple, and takes the Dharma name Tenzin.

On the surface this is a tremendous stroke of luck for Benno. At last he has a master who can teach him everything he wants to know. His life even has a higher purpose, to assist Master Schwartz in the search for Norumbega, the mythical treasurehouse of sages. But if Norumbega actually exists, it lies far to the northeast. What was Schwartz doing in New Jersey where he could so conveniently rescue Benno? The more Benno learns, the less his meeting with Schwartz seems like chance.

The master prophesizes that success in the search will break Benno's heart, then lead Benno to his heart's desire. Only as they approach the holy ground of Norumbega does Benno understand the first part of the prophecy. This has never been his master's quest, but his. Benno must leave his beloved teacher behind to seek a cure for a world sickened by ignorance. If he finds that cure, Benno will also rediscover his heart's secret desire, lost a thousand years before his birth.

--- opening ---
To my beloved elder brother Lobsang Stein Rinpoche, Rector of our New South Hall, from his junior brother Tenzin Schwartz of Stony Brook Hall; greetings. Dorje Levine Rinpoche commands me to supply you with an account of my insignificant part in the Quest for Norumbega. Who am I to disobey our elder sister, my current teacher? Or to question the Diamond Thunderbolt of Jubu, mother of sages and slayer of monsters?

Not half a page dry, and already I have displeased Dorje! I don't know whether “current teacher” or “elder sister” vexes her more. She orders me to relate the story from the beginning, neither minimizing my part nor glossing over anything embarrassing to her. But first I am commanded to send you our love, and her promise that we will visit you soon in Miami.

[This message has been edited by MattLeo (edited December 29, 2010).]

It may be that the ceremonial address is confusing. The characters refer to each other as "brother" and "sister", because in martial arts traditions it is common to address other students of your lineage that way. If those students have studied longer, or are particularly distinguished, one regards them as "elder brother" and "elder sister".

Imagine your favorite Uncle Benno and Aunt Sadie. Sadie is kind woman, but grand and somewhat intimidating. Benno is also grand in his way, but he's a cut-up, a raconteur who loves a good practical joke. Professor Stein is an old friend of the family. Sadie keeps pestering Uncle Benno to write the story of how he came from the old country for Professor Stein's book of immigrant stories. Benno waits until the last minute, then can't resist tweaking Sadie, referring to her as "my first wife" and "a cradle snatcher" (she's a few months older than he).

That's the kind of feel I want.

There are only three characters and two places referenced:

Places: Stony Brook Hall, New South Hall

People: Lobsang Stein of New South Hall; Tenzin Schwartz of Stony Brook Hall; Dorje Levine (aka Diamond Thunderbolt of Jubu).

I have the opening chapter if anyone is interested.

Dearest Lobsang; In honor of your assuming the rectorship of our newest hall, our "elder sister", Dorje Levine Rinpoche, commands me provide you an account of my small part in Quest for Norumbega. It would be ungrateful to refuse my current teacher, who has graciously consented to correct my errant steps all these many years. I would not dare, even if her name didn't mean "Diamond Thunderbolt of Jubu."

They aren't going to understand the relevance of this letter, or all of these terms right now. To them, it's going to feel like - man can we get on with it already, I don't care about the subtle relationship of the writer and his sister, because I no have idea who they are, what all of these confusing phrases mean, why they are talking strange, and why I should care.

Is someone going to die? Is this a postmodern adventure story? You can see the post modern, but not the adventure in this letter. And your beginning should be a good representation of the whole book, because that's what people first read to judge the whole book.

And really, since they have no idea that the main character is even going to have this cool adventure, and do these awesome things, why should they care? It's like being a salesmen but making your customers wait for half an hour before you actually show them what they wanted to buy.

So, in light of all of that...

You might consider either starting the story where the story actually begins (the main character being a slave in a future political faction of what used to be the united states - which is a very cool idea by the way) or adding some prologue that helps us to understand that there's great action just around the corner, and we just have to be willing to wait. A prologue that is action packed and that introduces us to this world might help us sail better through this intro - but it's still a risky business.

Beginnings are what either sell or kill a novel, so I don't know if I would want to gamble that people will be gracious enough to wait. Maybe you can get this letter in somewhere else. One good place might be somewhere totally unexpected, and that might add some curious element. Like maybe in the second act, right as the prophet guy takes him on as an apprentice. Sort of at a different "beginning". It might not have to be at the physical beginning of the book to still feel like it is helping to start him on a journey. And by then, we would understand the terms, and would be attached enough to our main character to be interested.

I just had the same problem with my beginning. It was cool and interesting but just didn't fit. Mine, wasn't even about my main character, and so though it was action packed, it gave them the wrong impression of what and who the novel was going to be about. But I didn't want to chunk it altogether, because it gave us important information about the rules of magic and other such things. I found that it made the perfect intro for Act II. A place where the first problem has been solved and we need to really set up the next problem.

Just an idea. Sorry if this sounded negative. I think this premise has A LOT of promise so, that's why I gave you such a warning. It would be horrible to see this great idea be mis interpreted. But as it stands right now, that's how I felt about that particular beginning. You might be able to cut down on the difficult terms and still keep it.

Of course it's up to you.

But the whole idea is good. I have read other stories with the same type of combination of cultures so it should work.