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Author Topic: The Right to the Throne
melindabrasher
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Completed upper YA novel. If anyone would like to exchange first chapters, I'd be happy to. Sorry about the lack of indentations. Haven't figured out how to do that here.

The air still smelled of smoke the day Lord Erich Iztarr declared himself king. The people had lit fires of mourning every night since King Michael's death, and several burned even as we gathered in the square to honor his life.
King Michael was the only king I'd ever known, and though we'd hardly seen him through the last years of his illness, he'd ruled Eksea well. His death had unsettled us all, but I knew Father would take care of the kingdom as he always had. So I sat in the sun on the terrace of the Palace of Government and listened to Lord Iztarr regale us with warm memories of Good King Michael's life and stirring laments about his death. I lost myself in his words, let him wrap me up in his beautiful sorrow.

[This message has been edited by melindabrasher (edited January 10, 2011).]


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J. N. Khoury
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This sounds intriguing! My only critique is it sounds very passive, with all the "had"'s in there. This sounds like it could follow after a paragraph or so of dialogue or action, just so the reader is hooked more before delving into the exposition.

You're subject matter sounds similar to mine (in that it involves kings and whatnot, instead of, say, aliens or something). I would happily exchange chapters if you like! I just finished up a manuscript and am also looking for feedback. I've done a lot of critiquing on this kind of stuff, and I would love to give you my two cents on your chapter!

Just email me yours as a Word attachment(jkbibliophile@gmail.com) and I'll send you mine, if you are interested.


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Grayson Morris
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Very well written. I have no improvements to suggest. You would definitely pass my "read the first couple of pages on Amazon before buying" test. :-)
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melindabrasher
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Thank you for the comments.
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EVOC
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I think it is a good hook. I am not sure I really have any suggestions for improvement. I would continue reading for sure.
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