Hatrack River Writers Workshop   
my profile login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Books » Illusions of the Crystal Souls

   
Author Topic: Illusions of the Crystal Souls
JohnColgrove
Member
Member # 9236

 - posted      Profile for JohnColgrove   Email JohnColgrove         Edit/Delete Post 
Lazeris awakened and hurried out of bed because today was a special day. Today was his twenty third birthday. To every male Ratta their twenty third birthday was more than a two day celebration. It was also the day of tests, but Lazerisís case was different.

He lived in the village of Drast, which was located in the Southern Madonia Desert, and he was the only Ratta living there. Although the reason wasnít known, his parents were killed when he was two years old and he lived with Vicks, a fifty year old human and the mayor, before living in a simple one room stone house. The tests, however, depended on the Ratta and that Ratta always found out about the first test a day ahead.


Posts: 174 | Registered: Aug 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Osiris
Member
Member # 9196

 - posted      Profile for Osiris   Email Osiris         Edit/Delete Post 
Hi. Let me preface by saying anything I comment on is with the best intentions.

The first thing that trips me is the name, Lazeris, and the fact that the first thing he does is awaken. The biblical resurrection of Lazarus by Jesus comes to mind immediately, and I'm not sure if this is intentional. Many will tell you a 'wake-up' start to a story is cliche, but they don't bother me that much.

The second paragraph takes us away from the hook, which for me at least, was 'what is special about the day of tests?' Is the information about the parents related to the day of tests? If not, it is probably better to weave it in later.


Posts: 1043 | Registered: Jul 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Corky
Member
Member # 2714

 - posted      Profile for Corky   Email Corky         Edit/Delete Post 
My recommendation is that you consider starting the story the day before, when Lazeris "found out about the first test a day ahead." I suspect that THAT might be a better hook.
Posts: 603 | Registered: Jul 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Corky
Member
Member # 2714

 - posted      Profile for Corky   Email Corky         Edit/Delete Post 
Oh, and I agree with Osiris about the Lazarus/Lazeris connection. If you want that, fine. But if you don't you need to consider some kind of change.
Posts: 603 | Registered: Jul 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
JohnColgrove
Member
Member # 9236

 - posted      Profile for JohnColgrove   Email JohnColgrove         Edit/Delete Post 
Yes it's based off of Lazarus, but I didn't realize the awakening thing. I'm not religious at all. I may have to change that...or just do I different beginning.
Posts: 174 | Registered: Aug 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Reziac
Member
Member # 9345

 - posted      Profile for Reziac   Email Reziac         Edit/Delete Post 
To get us involved right off, you might want to start the story DURING whatever makes the day special, so we're thrown right into the story. Right at whatever point the MC is having difficulty.

Second paragraph reads like a summary, not like fiction.

I admit I'm now curious about the Lazarus connection with that "special day". Also wondering, why age 23? Seems kinda old for a coming-of-age ceremony.


Posts: 782 | Registered: Dec 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
JohnColgrove
Member
Member # 9236

 - posted      Profile for JohnColgrove   Email JohnColgrove         Edit/Delete Post 
I picked age 23 because it deals with the way the Ratta age. BTW, a ratta is just an anthropomorphic rat.

I've always had a problem with starting my stories with a summary or back history. It's a habit i'm trying hard to break.


Posts: 174 | Registered: Aug 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
J. N. Khoury
Member
Member # 9361

 - posted      Profile for J. N. Khoury   Email J. N. Khoury         Edit/Delete Post 
As I think you've realized, this would benefit from having the backstory cut. Only tell what is immediate and necessary to the current situation. This is called set-up, as opposed to backstory, and would include things like the room he's in when he wakes up, the fact that its his 23rd birthday, and so on. There's no need for us to know his parents are dead or who he lives with or where he lives until these factors have immediate impact on the MC's situation.

If you're having trouble cutting out backstory, just print out a few pages, go through each sentence, and black out each absolutely unnecessary word. Be cruel. Summon your inner dark side and carve it up. Just be sure you saved a copy first.

Advice from Les Edgerton in his book on writing "Hooked" : Trust your reader. They can infer a whole lot from very little.


Posts: 74 | Registered: Jan 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Hatrack River Home Page

Copyright © 2008 Hatrack River Enterprises Inc. All rights reserved.
Reproduction in whole or in part without permission is prohibited.


Powered by Infopop Corporation
UBB.classic™ 6.7.2