posted
Lazeris awakened and hurried out of bed because today was a special day. Today was his twenty third birthday. To every male Ratta their twenty third birthday was more than a two day celebration. It was also the day of tests, but Lazeris’s case was different.
He lived in the village of Drast, which was located in the Southern Madonia Desert, and he was the only Ratta living there. Although the reason wasn’t known, his parents were killed when he was two years old and he lived with Vicks, a fifty year old human and the mayor, before living in a simple one room stone house. The tests, however, depended on the Ratta and that Ratta always found out about the first test a day ahead.
posted
Hi. Let me preface by saying anything I comment on is with the best intentions.
The first thing that trips me is the name, Lazeris, and the fact that the first thing he does is awaken. The biblical resurrection of Lazarus by Jesus comes to mind immediately, and I'm not sure if this is intentional. Many will tell you a 'wake-up' start to a story is cliche, but they don't bother me that much.
The second paragraph takes us away from the hook, which for me at least, was 'what is special about the day of tests?' Is the information about the parents related to the day of tests? If not, it is probably better to weave it in later.
posted
My recommendation is that you consider starting the story the day before, when Lazeris "found out about the first test a day ahead." I suspect that THAT might be a better hook.
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posted
Oh, and I agree with Osiris about the Lazarus/Lazeris connection. If you want that, fine. But if you don't you need to consider some kind of change.
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posted
Yes it's based off of Lazarus, but I didn't realize the awakening thing. I'm not religious at all. I may have to change that...or just do I different beginning.
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posted
To get us involved right off, you might want to start the story DURING whatever makes the day special, so we're thrown right into the story. Right at whatever point the MC is having difficulty.
Second paragraph reads like a summary, not like fiction.
I admit I'm now curious about the Lazarus connection with that "special day". Also wondering, why age 23? Seems kinda old for a coming-of-age ceremony.
posted
As I think you've realized, this would benefit from having the backstory cut. Only tell what is immediate and necessary to the current situation. This is called set-up, as opposed to backstory, and would include things like the room he's in when he wakes up, the fact that its his 23rd birthday, and so on. There's no need for us to know his parents are dead or who he lives with or where he lives until these factors have immediate impact on the MC's situation.
If you're having trouble cutting out backstory, just print out a few pages, go through each sentence, and black out each absolutely unnecessary word. Be cruel. Summon your inner dark side and carve it up. Just be sure you saved a copy first.
Advice from Les Edgerton in his book on writing "Hooked" : Trust your reader. They can infer a whole lot from very little.
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