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Author Topic: Second Lost Universe Beginning
JohnColgrove
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I switched chapter 1 and 2 around.

It was eleven in the morning and Shadow Master was wide awake, although he managed to sleep until ten thirty. He was wide awake because he was anxious, but not about the graduation ceremony tomorrow. Tonight was the night Druhgin told him the family secret but first he had to walk to the castle courtyard.

Shadow Master walked outside the dimly lit inn with no trouble and proceeded to walk to the courtyard which took about fifteen minutes. After he passed shop after shop he eventually saw the entrance leading to the courtyard. However, before he walked any further, three men appeared out of a dark alley, grabbed him, and pulled him into the alley!

[This message has been edited by JohnColgrove (edited January 13, 2011).]


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J. N. Khoury
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This is much better than your first beginning, as it has action happening right away. Good job! Two small things: instead of telling us "He was wide awake because he was anxious" show us that he's anxious. In fact, you don't even have to ever use the word anxious. Show S.M. pacing the room, biting his fingernails, tapping his foot, or something that shows how anxious he is. A rule to always bear in mind is the reader distrusts telling; you have to earn the reader's trust by showing. Prove to me he's anxious.

Second, drop the exclamation point at the end of the last sentence. The action is exciting enough; the exclamation point actually detracts from the suspense more than building it up. I know it sounds like it should be the other way around, but really, exclamation points should be used with extreme caution. Often they can do more damage than harm, and in general, its better to just go without them, unless its in dialogue.

But you have two excellent hooks here: the secret that is to be told, and the snatchers in the alley. Big improvement! But for a few minor wording issues, sounds like you're getting off to a good start.


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JohnColgrove
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Funny thing, that's how chapter 2 started naturally. In fact I barely had to edit.
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