posted
Sungraine rubbed her arms, desperate to shield herself from the cold as she peered out the hold in the cupboard door. As her stomach growled and feet ached, she wondered if it was finally safe enough to open the door. Peering through the only hole in the thick wooden boards, Sungraine felt a certain relief that there was not a single soul that could be heard outside. She pulled her two legs towards her chest as a cold breeze started to blow its way into the seemingly empty room outside. Sungraine put her hand on the back of the door to prevent the cupboard from locking her inside, though inside her heart, she longed to stay in the cupboard forever – there was no saying what savages were roaming the streets at this time.
[This message has been edited by valjean03 (edited February 08, 2011).]
posted
The first thing I notice is how much the word "cupboard" was used is such a short time. It was distracting to me and broke up the flow of the story for me.
posted
I agree that the repeated use of "cupboard" was distracting. You also start nearly every sentence with "she" or "Sungraine."
In sentence one you told us she was starving. In sentence two her stomach growled. You don't need both. The second's stronger, as it's more showing than telling. Look through the paragraph for other repetitions. Sometimes it's hard to know how much you have to spell out for your readers, but usually they're smarter than we give them credit for.
I am a bit intriqued why she's hiding in a cupboard.
posted
And this is why I needed the feedback, I did not catch these things the first time around! Revised corrections Posted. Thank you very much for spending the time, hope the new draft is to your liking!
Posts: 34 | Registered: Mar 2008
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posted
I like this a lot better. Seems to be a bit more flowing.
One line triped me up:
quote:She pulled her two legs towards her chest as a cold breeze started to blow its way into the seemingly empty room outside.
It would seem to be the cupboard would provide some relief from a cold breeze. I think it would be better worded to say something about the breeze blowing through the cupboard's cracked open door. Or something to that effect.
posted
Oh, you find out why a paragraph later: she's wearing a torn shirt.... something that has to do with how she got into the cupboard in the first place. So she doesn't have enough clothes on.
It's good that it trips you up though, so that later you get that "OH! That's why!" moment and want to read on... or at least that's what I think..... I hope that's what you're thinking ;P
Thanks!
quote:
I like this a lot better. Seems to be a bit more flowing.
One line triped me up: [QUOTE]She pulled her two legs towards her chest as a cold breeze started to blow its way into the seemingly empty room outside.
It would seem to be the cupboard would provide some relief from a cold breeze. I think it would be better worded to say something about the breeze blowing through the cupboard's cracked open door. Or something to that effect. [/QUOTE]
posted
I like it, but I also have a problem with the line:
quote:She pulled her two legs towards her chest as a cold breeze started to blow its way into the seemingly empty room outside.
Two points- first of all, why do you specify how many legs she has. It struck me as odd adding "two" in there. If she's human, saying "her legs" should tell us that she pulls both toward her.
The other is that this sentence seems too long. It doesn't seem to flow very well. I'm not sure how to appropriately rework it, but perhaps after working in the others' suggestions...
posted
Hmmm. see this is why I need to post, because I have these small habits that no matter how often I go through it, I will never see these things. After rereading it, it's a VERY awkward sentence! Thanks for catching that! Now I believe I have a stronger description (Posted above)
quote:
I like it, but I also have a problem with the line:
She pulled her two legs towards her chest as a cold breeze started to blow its way into the seemingly empty room outside.
Two points- first of all, why do you specify how many legs she has. It struck me as odd adding "two" in there. If she's human, saying "her legs" should tell us that she pulls both toward her.
The other is that this sentence seems too long. It doesn't seem to flow very well. I'm not sure how to appropriately rework it, but perhaps after working in the others' suggestions...
[/QUOTE]
[This message has been edited by valjean03 (edited February 07, 2011).]
posted
Valjean, You do a good job of setting up a mood. I sense that she is cold, scared and probably alone. I don't know what is after her, but if she wants to stay in a cupboard then it must be something nasty. I do agree with earlier comments that you maybe don't need to spell things out quite as much. You mention that she's cold a few times, and that she peeks out the hole in the cupboard twice. Other than that, I enjoyed it and would keep reading.
Posts: 11 | Registered: Dec 2010
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On a small note, I actually partially do so on purpose - as it shows the charicter of Sungraine early. As the chapter goes on, it becomes less and less, but the character of Sungraine is one that does things over and over again in a mindless fashion. While it does slightly detach the reader, it really lets you see the character of Sungraine early, within ten lines. Within the twentieth line, the repetitions stops and the story begins. And what do you learn? Sungraine doesn't know how to think straight. That's when (I hope) the reader should think "Oh that's why she keeps repeating things over and over! I do it on purpose to let the reader know the character, before actually knowing the character, if that makes sense.
Valjean, You do a good job of setting up a mood. I sense that she is cold, scared and probably alone. I don't know what is after her, but if she wants to stay in a cupboard then it must be something nasty. I do agree with earlier comments that you maybe don't need to spell things out quite as much. You mention that she's cold a few times, and that she peeks out the hole in the cupboard twice. Other than that, I enjoyed it and would keep reading.
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