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Author Topic: First 13 Fantasy
Wonderbus
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quote:
The first sun was already high in the sky; the shadows cast by the scattered trees still clinging to the cliff were short and black.

Landros would have to say something soon; for Dorianís sake if nothing else. Dorian would be the one punished if the Five Keepers were to witness him leading the patrol. Landros had heard of the punishments for such offences, though he had never seen such things first-hand. Not many were so stupid as to defy the will of the Five.

He kicked his heels to hurry Kerona on. The mare quickened her step and Landros began to gain on his Captain.

Six in the patrol. Some would say one would be one too many. How many men does it take to patrol the end of the world? And


Hello everybody. This is the first 13 lines of chapter 1 of a dark fantasy book I've been working on.


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J. N. Khoury
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Hi!

First of all, I am happy to say you've got a great narrative voice. And I was drawn in after a few sentences. Just a suggestion: experiment with using "Not many were so stupid as to defy the will of the Five" as your first sentence. I think that would make a superb and intriguing opening line, if you followed it with some variation of "Landros was." More so than the description of the sky, anyway.

The idea of a "patrol to the end of the world" was a nice surprise that would make me read on. Only confusion was I didn't know who the "him" was in the third sentence. I don't know if Landros or Dorian is leading the patrol. Would like to, though.

Good work! Happy writing!

[This message has been edited by J. N. Khoury (edited May 08, 2011).]


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Wonderbus
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Thanks for commenting, JN. I'm glad you mentioned the "him" in the third sentence because I was worried that would be confusing. I originally had "Dorian" there instead but it looked awkward and cluttered; I think I'll just have to totally rework that sentence altogether.

Thanks for the pointers!


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Threebrain
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I like it, and would read on. Seems like thereís an opportunity for a juicy but mysteriously vague little description of the Fiveís punishments when Landros is sort of pondering over what they could be -- could be more enticing.
Also, I like the description of the shadows in the first sentence but I tripped over it a couple times before comprehending Ė not sure why.
Enjoyed the end of the world line. Made me giggle as well as want to learn more.

[This message has been edited by Threebrain (edited May 09, 2011).]


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InarticulateBabbler
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Is this finished, or a work in progress?

"How many men does it take to patrol the end of the world." is and enigmatic hook for me. I might turn a few pages to learn if "the end of the world" was in progress, past tense, or about to happen.

Who is the "Captain?"

Is Kerona on of the six men? It looks to be a mare, but a name is kcicked before I know what it is, and it made me stop.

Are they cowboys? Medieval-like swordsmen? Why are they riding horses?

Don't get me wrong, I don't expect all the answers, but some of these would do little more than complete the picture.

I hope this helps.


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jcavonpark
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It sounds to me that the "end of the world" is a physical location rather than a period in time. Am I correct?
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Noctua
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quote:
Landros would have to say something soon; for Dorianís sake if nothing else. Dorian would be the one punished if the Five Keepers were to witness him leading the patrol. Landros had heard of the punishments for such offences, though he had never seen such things first-hand. Not many were so stupid as to defy the will of the Five.

Maybe this should be the first paragraph and perhaps work in a description of the scenery a little later?
I would definitely keep reading. I'm curious about what happens next.

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TMR Beste
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"The first sun was already high in the sky; the shadows cast by the scattered trees still clinging to the cliff were short and black."
I am having trouble picturing this. Where is the cliff-behind him? In front of him?
Is he traveling in the middle of a valley?
"Landros would have to say something soon; for Dorianís sake if nothing else. Dorian would be the one punished if the Five Keepers were to witness him leading the patrol."
I also am a bit lost here. Who is leading the patrol? Why would he have to say something? To get out of leading, to keep the other from leading?

"Landros had heard of the punishments for such offences, though he had never seen such things first-hand. Not many were so stupid as to defy the will of the Five."
This makes sense. The five sound ominous and powerful.

"He kicked his heels to hurry Kerona on. The mare quickened her step and Landros began to gain on his Captain."

I get a good mental picture of him moving a horse creature forward. But I am Still a bit lost. I don't know who this 'Captain' is-Dorian or a new character? Why is he catching up this person? to take their place. I know i might read on and find out but I seem to be lost too many places here. Or maybe, I am having a 'stupid' day

"Six in the patrol. Some would say one would be one too many. How many men does it take to patrol the end of the world? And"
This does not make sense to me. One is too many, but six is not enough? I do like the line-'how many does it take to patrol the end of the world'. Now that is interesting.
There are my amateur reactions. Take what seems to make sense.


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Darrin
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The first sun was already high in the sky; the shadows cast by the scattered trees still clinging to the cliff were short and black.

Landros would have to say something soon; for Dorianís sake if nothing else. Dorian would be the one punished if the Five Keepers were to witness him leading the patrol. Landros had heard of the punishments for such offences, though he had never seen such things first-hand. Not many were so stupid as to defy the will of the Five.

He kicked his heels to hurry Kerona on. The mare quickened her step and Landros began to gain on his Captain.

Six in the patrol. Some would say one would be one too many. How many men does it take to patrol the end of the world? And


--------------------

Please feel free to use or ignore any of my comments.

I agree with the above comment that I'm a bit confused by who is talking and thinking. Who is the POV character.

The first sentence can probably be moved down, off the first 13 lines.

Putting two different character names as the subject is confusing for me.

Landros would have to say something soon; for Dorianís sake if nothing else. Dorian would be the one punished if the Five Keepers were to witness him leading the patrol.

I think the mc is Landros but no a 100%. Consider also showing Landros's emotion about the situation. Did he want to help Dorian...was a pain, was it common, was annoying, would he have to lie... I think that there is a lot of interesting tidbits that can show character.

I hope that helps.


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