Original
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There was nothing for it. Meriol was dying. She would be in the embrace of the Goddess by the next emptying of the glass as was her will. Meriol accepted that with the good grace and kind of blind acquiescence that comes from a lifetime of devotion to the Mother Goddess.
Brina, however, lacking in both those qualities wasn’t anywhere near accepting it.
“The Goddess be damned.”
Fane flicked a black-tipped ear. The Goddess meant nothing to him and so the curse, likewise, was wasted. The force with which Brina was brushing his already over-brushed, mahogany hide, however, each word emphasized with a thump and flick of the brush, was cause for his immediate discomfort.

The Re-Write
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The soft fluttering of wings was the only indication of the messenger’s arrival. Donovan might have missed it completely had he not been expecting it for hours. It settled onto a low branch just outside the ring of firelight, huge yellow eyes glowing in the flickering light. Donovan threw another log on the fire and studied the owl through the fountain of sparks and said nothing. Were he one of her sniveling lackeys he would have thrown himself on the ground before the bird and asked in what manner he could be of service. But he was neither of those things and he bowed to no one. Which made the whole situation so much more difficult. It was only what the eventual outcome promised that kept him in the unlikely partnership.

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I'll just do the first because I liked it a bit better. Please feel free to use or disregard any comments.

"It" in the first sentence is vague and nearly lost me. I wanted you to get to the character, not lose me in a vague noun.

"Meriol accepted that with the good grace and kind of blind acquiescence that comes from a lifetime of devotion to the Mother Goddess."

This line is classic telling not showing. A bit of telling is fine in the story, everyone does it but not at the beginning.

Note you have introduced your main character (I think Brina is) four sentences in. Too deep.

Then Fane... a third character...probably too many characters in too short of a space.

Note you seem to be doing OMNI pov which is very hard to pull off. It is doable but just difficult.

I attached mostly to Brina because she has attitude. Consider just doing her POV and her frustration with the situation. That may hook folks a bit more. Start with Goddess be damned. Nice rebellious attitude.

I hope this helps.

>>Consider just doing her POV and her frustration with the situation. That may hook folks a bit more. Start with Goddess be damned. Nice rebellious attitude. <<

I actually have a third beginning starting almost that way. More on Brina and her attitude right off the bat.