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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Books » The Pea's Curse

   
Author Topic: The Pea's Curse
MDBHarlan
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*YA fantasy retelling of the Princess (typo) and the Pea. Looking for readers and comments.

The horses thundered down the dirt road as the queen held her baby close to her chest. The poor infant was nearly lifeless in her arms but she breathed. This is madness, we should be home not on the roads. The princess needed real help but they had been forced to flee. It was three days ride to the queen’s homeland. Would the angel in her arms survive two more days? The queen’s heart was heavy as she tried to absorb the jostles of the carriage so that the baby might rest peacefully.
Her eyed bored into the back of the rider to her right. His fine gray stallion was chaffing at the pace set by the carriage but the man seemed content enough. Chancellor Brock had been suggesting this flight for days. The queen spared a thought for her foolish husband. Why had he ever agreed to this?


[This message has been edited by MDBHarlan (edited July 06, 2011).]


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LDWriter2
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Shouldn't that be Princess or are you changing that too?

But so far so good, I think. You have the problem hinted at at least, you have curiosity working for you.

One thing though is this a open carriage? I assume it is when she stares at the rider but it isn't stated. And if it is open, maybe add if the Queen feels the wind blowing past them or one or two scents she might smell.

Other hatrackers may find things I missed- that would be no surprise- but so far I think it's not doing too bad at all. OOPS, I missed a word there too. I added so that it now reads the way it should have.

Sorry I don't have time to do more reading but there's usually someone who can.

[This message has been edited by LDWriter2 (edited July 06, 2011).]


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MDBHarlan
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oops, yes it is supposed to be the Princess and the Pea. type-o. Thanks. I fixed it.

[This message has been edited by MDBHarlan (edited July 06, 2011).]


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KathiS
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Good start. You've given us some characters, a sense of conflict, and a sense of something else in the Chancellor. I get the feeling he's up to something.

I did have to read the first paragraph a couple times. I'm not sure why but the first read I got lost a bit. Could be I was just going too fast. Looking at it again it might be because you refer to the baby as "baby", "poor infant", "princess" and "the angel" all within the space of a couple lines.

~kls


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MDBHarlan
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Wow,I didn't notice that. Thanks.
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EmilyS
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I got a bit of POV jolt on the third sentence. You need to do something to indicate that it's the queen's thought if you're going to use "we".

The first paragraph seemed to be both too much and not enough. You have 7 sentences telling us the queen is fleeing with the princess, who is ill or dying. You've gone all the way down to such details as the length of the journey ahead of them, but said nothing about what's wrong with the princess (which seems like it would be the queen's first concern) or why they're fleeing. Also, you refer to her twice as "the queen", but it's in her POV, so I'd expect to get her actual name.

I'm also slightly concerned about the fact that nothing's really happening. She's in a carriage, thinking about the past and worrying about the future. I'd be looking for some new action in line 14 to keep my interest.


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MDBHarlan
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Thanks Emily. This is actually from the prologue of the book and the answers about what is wrong with the princess are revealed in the body of the book. I can see how more action might be called for. I am even wondering if the book needs the prologue.
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LDWriter2
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That depends on you. But does the prologue explain how she got into a certain situation that the main body of the book doesn't? Like why she lives something place and not in the castle. Or what happened to her parents.

But you mentioned a sequel. That reminded me of the various fairy tale remakes one or two writers have been doing. One was turned into three books...I think.

I thought more would be written but evidently not but that leaves yours more room.


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LMermaid
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Are you still looking for readers? I'd be glad to read for you.
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MDBHarlan
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thanks. I will figure out how to send to you my first chapter, if that's okay. My tech support husband will have tech savoy in no time.
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MDBHarlan
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oops forgot the word "me" in the post above. lmermaid do you have something I can read for you? I looked on book postings but didn't see anything.
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LMermaid
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I haven't posted anything yet, but I will next week. Thanks!
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SBPelo2011
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All the above reviewers already stated all the questions I had regarding the story. Just writing to say that I am definitely interested in reading more and love fairy tales in all shapes.


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Crane
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quote:
The horses thundered down the dirt road as the queen held her baby close to her chest.

From this sentence I'm not sure where the queen is, if she's on horseback, or standing by the road, or...? I think that the carriage should be mentioned in this sentence.

quote:
Her eyed bored into the back of the rider to her right.

I think 'eyed' is a typo. Probably it's 'eyes'?

quote:
His fine gray stallion was chaffing at the pace set by the carriage but the man seemed content enough.

some adjective indicating what the problem with the pace of the carriage would be welcome. eg: slow pace, broken pace...

quote:
Chancellor Brock had been suggesting this flight for days.

It's not clear to me weather or not the rider is Brock.


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MDBHarlan
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I noticed that some of the italics did not transfer when I pasted. I think that would fix some of the problems that people are noticing.
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MDBHarlan
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thanks for all the other comments. I will look into rewriting.
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