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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Books » Bearers of Bad News (TWDY Issue 2)

   
Author Topic: Bearers of Bad News (TWDY Issue 2)
micmcd
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Hello all,

Looking for feedback on the hook of my second issue, posted below for your dissection. Thanks!

quote:

The cuffs chafed Ericaís wrists. A hook held the chain between her cuffs just high enough that she couldnít stand naturally, but not so high that she had to hang from it and cut off her circulation. There was nothing left to do but cry, so long and so hard that it hurt. She screamed into the gag the jailer had forced into her mouth. Her eyes burned. Her wrists and ankles stung in hundreds of tiny places where her irons had scraped her skin. None of it hurt half as badly as her pride.
Why had she been such a fool? Why had she ever bothered to hope? Hadnít it been obvious enough that Markus and the rest of her half-brothers would never accept her? She had believed in her fatherís last promise, that her brothers would come around. They would accept her. Yet, here she was, chained up in the

PS - KDW, I'm following the rules posted in the forum as to how to determine 13 lines. It always seems to be a little over, though (or at least you edit it down). What browser do you use to determine 13?

[This message has been edited by micmcd (edited July 18, 2011).]

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited July 18, 2011).]


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Kathleen Dalton Woodbury
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micmcd, I took off four lines.

What browser do you use? (I'm using MSIE 7 right now.)

How does our "alphabet template" look in your browser?

alphabet template:

quote:

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb
cccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccc
dddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff
gggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj
kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
llllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

The above 13 lines of alphabet letters, a through m, should exactly fill a text box on your browser. That's how we count 13 lines.

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited July 18, 2011).]


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MDBHarlan
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I really liked your hook. It made me curious about these half brothers and I was definitely in the dungeon with Erica.
My one suggestion is small but I would refer to "her irons" as "the irons" since you use "her a couple of words later.

Like I said really small and nitpicky.
Awesome job!


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LDWriter2
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Hmmm, I read it twice today and I'm still not sure what to say. A tad on the cliche-ish side but that could be okay. It's clear, you state the problem. I wonder why they would dislike her that much and if something happens to prove her father right after all, at least with one or two of them. I don't recall did you say how many half brothers?


Other more experience hatrackers may see things I missed but I don't think it needs much work.


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