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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Books » Prologue to AOS

   
Author Topic: Prologue to AOS
Twiggy
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The 13 lines here are from a possible prologue to a completed novel. I'm looking for readers who haven't read the story before. That way I can get a good picture of what's coming across. I probably only need 3000 words reading, if anyone's interested. I'm happy to reciprocate.

Milandra entered Central City’s stateroom for the first time on her twelfth birthday. Powerdown’s half-light seeped in from the corridor, casting long shadows across the wall. Chief Warrior Griffin Hux closed the door, completing the room’s isolation from the communications network and shrinking the blue-tinged light to a sphere around his workstation.
“Sit down, Milandra.”
The command fluttered Milandra’s belly without her knowing why. She’d answered a summons from Father before, but never in his stateroom, and never at this late hour. She sniffed away the unfamiliar smell of bound books and took her seat, certain she should wait to speak but unable to contain her anxiety. “Father, have I done something wrong?”


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andersonmcdonald
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I'll read. I'm going to be pretty busy for the next few days, but I'll get to it as soon as I can.
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MDBHarlan
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I'm happy to read.
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MarinaLee
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First instinct: Creepy. Is her dad a pedophile? Not sure if this was intentional, or if I'm jut reading to much into it. I'd love to check out your story
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MAP
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@ marinalee, I don't think the Father is her biological father, but a religious or political leader. At least that is how I interpreted it.

@Twiggy. I know this is third person, so it doesn't have to written in the MC's voice. But I think it would be more interesting if you did, then we could get a feel for the MC through the description of the room. What does she notice? How do the images reflect her anxiety. As it is written, the narrative feels more distant (at least the narrative voice feels much older than a twelve-year-old) and it is distancing the reader from the MC. Writing it in her voice (close third)will help the reader connect with the character, IMO.

Here are my nits.

quote:
Milandra entered Central City’s stateroom (The wording here makes me think that the entire city is in one building like a space station city or something because you go from city to room instead of city to building to room.) for the first time on her twelfth birthday. Powerdown’s (I have no idea what a powerdown is so I can't picture this. It could just be me, I don't read a ton of SF) half-light seeped in from the corridor, casting long shadows across the wall (This makes me think that the room she is in has no lights on. I'm a little confused, but again it could just be me). Chief Warrior Griffin Hux closed the door, completing the room’s isolation from the communications network and shrinking the blue-tinged light (what blue-tinged light? The only light was seeping in from the corridor) to a sphere around his workstation.
“Sit down, Milandra.” (Who says this? Father or Chief Warrior Griffin Hux or are they the same person. I'm having trouble picturing this)
The command fluttered Milandra’s belly without her knowing why (she knows why; you tell us in the next sentence). She’d answered a summons from Father before, but never in his stateroom, and never at this late hour. She sniffed away the unfamiliar smell of bound books and took her seat, I suggest cutting the italicized. It doesn't flow well with the rest and is distracting) certain she should wait to speak but unable to contain her anxiety. “Father, have I done something wrong?”

I'm having a problem picturing the scene, and I think there is a lack of connection to the MC and a lack of tension. And in my opinion, if this was done in a tighter POV, there would be a lot more tension.

JMO, good luck with this.

[This message has been edited by MAP (edited August 24, 2011).]


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Twiggy
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MarinaLee - Thanks for the offer to read. I'm just revising the start. Do you want the original version or do you want to wait for the new version?
Thanks again.

MAP Thanks for your comments. I have been working on a version with more tension. I will use some of your comments when I make my adjustments.


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