Hatrack River Writers Workshop   
my profile login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Books » Flipside - Scifi/action - 75,000 words

   
Author Topic: Flipside - Scifi/action - 75,000 words
C@R3Y
Member
Member # 9669

 - posted      Profile for C@R3Y   Email C@R3Y         Edit/Delete Post 
This is the first book of a series that I am working on, with the help of my best friend. With a couple years of ideas coming together and falling into place perfectly, I finally began this series September 3 this year, after I came back from my Basic Training and AIT for the Army/National Guard. This series has so many twists and turns, and unexpected incidents that hide just around the corner. It's insane. It started with my first book I wrote--and was able to finish--in 2009, Eye of a Shadow, and that, somehow, branched off into two prequels and two sequels (if you scroll through the months in the forum you can probably find it under the name I had XD3V0NX; I tried logging back into Hatrack after so long of not using it and it didn't let me access the account for some reason, so I just created another one)

Oh, and let me know if you would like to read the first chapter at least. It's not that long, and I will be more than happy to return the favor.

_______________________________________________________________


Dr. Kanchen had no real name. Maybe he did once, but that changed a long time ago... after the accident.
Kanchen loathed his past, and as far as he was concerned, it never existed. At least, not since he lost his face.
He stared at the monitor, his hands behind his back and he observed the behavior of the prototype his scientists were experimenting on. The mask he wore screamed of madness, a sharp line separated the two colors: half black, half white. For eyes, two silver moons dazeled with insanity. The cheek-to-cheek smile gave his subordinates unease, which empowered his already high ego. Through the mask-smile, there was a small slat which revealed Kanchenís crusty lips and black teeth.
Dr. Kanchen pushed a button on the control panel.


Posts: 193 | Registered: Oct 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Architectus
Member
Member # 8809

 - posted      Profile for Architectus   Email Architectus         Edit/Delete Post 
Great opening. It makes me want to read more.

"his hands behind his back and he observed the behavior "
A comma goes before and in this sentence because what follows is a complete sentence.


Posts: 161 | Registered: Sep 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
J
Member
Member # 2197

 - posted      Profile for J   Email J         Edit/Delete Post 
Dr. Kanchen had no real name. [Sure he does--you just told us his name was Kanchen. Maybe a reference to him "calling himself" Kanchen?]

Maybe he did once, but that changed a long time ago... after the accident.
[The ellipsis here creates a cheesy sort of effect. If that's not what was intended, a comma or collapsing these sentences into a single sentence might help]

Kanchen loathed his past, and as far as he was concerned, it never existed. At least, not since he lost his face. [I'm not sure I understand this. Do you mean that he doesn't acknowledge any of his past from before the accident, or something else?]


He stared at the monitor, his hands behind his back and he observed the behavior of the prototype his scientists were experimenting on.
[This might be stronger if broken into multiple sentences. The mad scientist watching underlings with hands behind his back is cliched. If that's what you're going for, you set it up well. If it's not, you might consider giving him a less typical mad-scientist mannerism]

The mask he wore screamed of madness, a sharp line separated the two colors: half black, half white. [the "screamed of madness" metaphor is a little confusing, especially in reference to a mask from which a literal scream could conceivably issue]

For eyes, two silver moons dazeled [sp.--dazzled] with insanity. [I'm not sure "dazzle" is the best verb for this sentence. Are they eyes so insane that they dazzle people who see them, or are you conveying that his mask has some seriously crazy eyes, or what? Just can't tell what you mean with this description]

The cheek-to-cheek smile gave his subordinates unease, which empowered his already high ego. ["gave" is a weak verb. Also, would this character think in terms of "empowering his already high ego?" If not, this might be better if the message is rephrased in more-POV friendly terms, like how much he likes the unease on his underlings' faces when they see the smile on his mark.]

Through the mask-smile, there was a small slat which [gr--that] revealed Kanchenís crusty lips and black teeth.

Dr. Kanchen pushed a button on the control panel.

Posts: 683 | Registered: Oct 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
C@R3Y
Member
Member # 9669

 - posted      Profile for C@R3Y   Email C@R3Y         Edit/Delete Post 
Thanks, J, for the helpful comments =]

Now I must say: before I even got your crit, I changed the complete 13 lines. It's different now, but I will clarify a few things you will see in the next 13.

I see what you are saying about Kanchen having a name. What I was trying to go for was that he had a real name at one point, but he changed it after the accident. But now I see more clearly your point. Kanchen has been his New name for awhile.

Yes, sure, the mad scientist is a little cliched. I got that and thought about it when it was finished, believe me. But it has to start out this way. I will see if another way can be in order, but it's important that it starts out with him. Plus, how many scientists do you actually see with a mask. A mask is a little different--added onto his already strange back story that I didn't include right away in the thirteen. But it's not a real bad issue, I think anyway.

Okay. Anyway. I will post the new thirteen here in a minute. x] Thanks again.

Posts: 193 | Registered: Oct 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
doolz51
New Member
Member # 9707

 - posted      Profile for doolz51   Email doolz51         Edit/Delete Post 
i have a feeling i could read this story [Smile] ...i wonder what the prototype is, i wonder what his past was, and in my opinion, wondering makes a reader beg to read more. So if you write more, send me an email and id be happy to read/critique! [Smile] Best of luck
Posts: 1 | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
C@R3Y
Member
Member # 9669

 - posted      Profile for C@R3Y   Email C@R3Y         Edit/Delete Post 
Thanks Doolz51, and welcome to the treehouse.

I have taken a break from this story for a little bit, as I finished the first draft (and second draft) about a month ago, but I am meaning to get back into it soon enough here just as I finish up the first draft of this next project I am working on. I'll shoot you an e-mail when I review the first couple chapters again.

Posts: 193 | Registered: Oct 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Leslie
Member
Member # 9702

 - posted      Profile for Leslie   Email Leslie         Edit/Delete Post 
C@R3Y, I like the general idea, it is intriguing. However, I feel you are "telling" me too much rather than "showing" it. Leslie
Posts: 14 | Registered: Nov 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
C@R3Y
Member
Member # 9669

 - posted      Profile for C@R3Y   Email C@R3Y         Edit/Delete Post 
Good catch, Leslie. I see where you are coming from and actually I have quite recently fixed that part in my first chapter. =] But you did in fact make it clearer to me too.
Posts: 193 | Registered: Oct 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Hatrack River Home Page

Copyright © 2008 Hatrack River Enterprises Inc. All rights reserved.
Reproduction in whole or in part without permission is prohibited.


Powered by Infopop Corporation
UBB.classic™ 6.7.2