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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Books » Sky Mother's Ember (sci-fant) @6000 words so far

   
Author Topic: Sky Mother's Ember (sci-fant) @6000 words so far
honu
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This was a short story that got out of hand. Would you read past the first 13 and why or why not?

Fire Weasel reined in his bog-walkie, Gnasher, at the watering hole, upstream from the clan camp. He slid from the giant, flightless bird’s back, slapping its beak when it nipped at the fringes on his ursid-hide leggings. He stretched his lower back and rubbed his sore butt.
“You feelin’ feisty again, bird?” He reached up and stroked Gnasher’s head-ruff which the bird had tilted forward for him. “Oh, so now you make nice. You don’t deserve it, but I know you won’t leave me alone until you get some.”

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CarolineShelly777
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Yes, I would read it because I am already curious about this "clan camp" and the creatures in your story seem unique and interesting! I don't know much from just 13 lines, but I like the style of your writing. Also you have an awful lot of commas in there...I would definitely read past the first 13.
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honu
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thanks, Caroline!
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Treamayne
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I hate to say it, but I'm not sure I would turn the page. There seems to be alot of the world's jargon crammed in very close that makes the prose flow awkwardly. As carolyn mentioned, it is heavy on dependant clauses and comma usage, making the sentances slightly awkward to me. SOme of the description feels forced.

I wouldn't immediately say no to the story, but it isn't an automatic page turner for me.

I could elaborate with more examples if you like.

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Leslie
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I like it! I am already feeling like the main character is someone I want to get to know better. The creature is cool, very intriguing.

I got tripped up on the first sentence though.

quote:
Fire Weasel reined in his bog-walkie, Gnasher, at the watering hole, upstream from the clan camp.
"...at the watering hole, upstream from the clan camp" feels to cluttered to me. But if you put 'upstream from the clan camp" at the beginning of the sentence, then, in my opinion, the whole sentence would flow better. Or maybe just take out the comma between hole and upstream would work too.

You did a great job of showing not telling, and using action and dialogue to get me interested in your character and his world.

I would definately turn the page.

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