posted
This is the first 13 of the Prologue. This is a super-hero genre story that ties the origins of one hero with an established hero group and the rise of a new villainous group forming in the city.
A gash of blue pulsing energy formed before them, a mystic doorway of eldritch force. Solitaire smiled and stepped through the portal followed closely by Foreshadow. The streets of Century city melted away like wet paint down glass. In an instant, Peyton Stadium loomed before them.
The parking lot was nearly empty save the three black vans parked near the entrance. Their telltale antenna arrays, armored wheel hubs, and silver rook insignia left no doubt in Solitaire’s mind as to whom they belonged.
“Great! Night-Watch.” She exasperated.
“Wyld did say this was a joint mission. After all, it was Night-Watch who first reported the disturbance.”
Posts: 28 | Registered: Dec 2011
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I feel a little overwhelmed by all the names. Not necessarily the fact that they are odd; that is to be expected in a Super-Hero story. It's that there are so many of them introduced right away and I don't really have anything to tie the names to yet.
One question on the choice of the name Solitaire. To me this sounds like the name of a solo super hero. Solitaire, solitary. Unless of course she has some distinct connection to the card game.
Century City. The word City should be capitalized as well. Like it is with Salt Lake City, etc. If City is part of the name it needs to capitalized.
("Great! Night-Watch." She exasperated.)
This whole line doesn't work for me. The first time I read it I thought she was talking to Night-Watch. The second time I read it, I figured out that Night-Watch must be who the cars belonged to but I thought Solitaire was genuinely excited to see them. The third time I read it, I decided, maybe Solitaire was being sarcastic. Try doing something else here to make it a little more clear that she is displeased to see Night-Watch (if indeed she is)instead of leaving it up to the response of her partner to reveal that feeling.
Overall though, I am interested. I want to know what "the disturbance" is and why two different groups of super heroes that don't like each other have to work together because of it.
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posted
Thanks. No I'm not happy with the line you mentioned either (Great! Night-Watch). As for Solitaire's name, it is derived more from a type of diamond cut rather than the game. Night-Watch isnt a super-hero group. It is explained a bit later, but they are actually a SWAT type police force meant to deal with super types.
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posted
i think these 13 lines are cleaner and more interesting than the previous 13 you posted. really, my one criticism is the use of the term "Night Watch". anyone who saw that russian urban fantasy/horror movie of the same title will immediately think of it. which i'm guessing you don't want?
i also think the title can be more unique. as it stands now, it reminds me of a lot of other superhero/comic book stories.
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thanks den. it is a working title only. as for the russian hrror film reference... umm, i am a super horror geek and i didnt even know about that one. heck, i even saw zombi2 that wonderful italian zombie movie with the zombie vs shark scene... so im thinking that reference might be too obscure to matter much. but i will take it under consideration.
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oh. well, it's two movies, "Night Watch", and then the sequel, "Day Watch". they're both about five or so years old now. you should check them out, they're pretty interesting.
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My other option is to make night-watch simply the special tactics unit of the police, introduce the incident from their perspective, and leave solitaire and foreshadow for later in the story. In that case, the first 13 would be: "4 a.m." He glanced at the clock and grumbled. As Special Tactics Commander, Jack Warren was used to late nights and early mornings but that did not mean he liked them. Throwing on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt, he made his way downstairs. "Yea, I'm coming!" He shouted. The doorbell rang again, followed by a rapid succession of loud knocks. "This had better be important." "Sir," The officer began, "There has been another incident." Jack pinched the bridge of his nose, shook his head, and sighed. "In or out, your choice, but make up your mind, I don't like heating the outside." Jack muttered, motioning the officer inside.
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posted
as this is genre fiction, i guess this introduction works. however, i feel like i've seen this exact scene numerous times in movies and t.v. shows. i think it lacks originality.
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