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Author Topic: The Stone WIthin
LDWriter2
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Okay, thought I would put up the first 13 of a story but these are the first 13 lines of a novel I started today. Had this in mind for a day or so and since I'm in-between stories thought I just as well start it. It turns out that this might be what I really had in mind for my Angel Kin novel. Those who have kept up on the two writing threads may know the title.

The MC has two bikes, a racing bicycle and a motorcycle. I'm not completely sure what she does for a living. She sings on street corners but that's not her main job, it's for extra money and to get to know street people who see things the average person doesn't. I've thought about making her a bike currier but that's been taken by another writer. It might make this one too close to that novel. Can you delivery food on a bike? Or ?


Oh, not sure of her age but probably middle twenties, no more than thirty.

Anyway, here's the first13 lines:

I sat up straighter on my bike. Up ahead, the street looked blocked, but someone needed help. It looked like another paranorm event, the third one in a fortnight, but I still needed to get by it.
People call me Stone even though my real name is Heather Granite. Since I moved here five years ago, Iíve gotten into the habit of helping people with supernatual or paranormal problems. I helped people on a smaller level before I was chased out of LA.
With a twist of the handlebars I flipped onto the sidewalk. A few pedistrians stood around but I thought I could weave through them without too much trouble. Itís not the first time I have done something like this. Iím special... I can sense the paranorm, magic usually slips off of me, Iím stronger than the average girl and very tough. ---


Okay, I know that last sentence should start the next paragraph but I thought it would make it over 13 lines for sure if I placed it on the next line.

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LeetahWest
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If your MC is riding a motorcycle or a racing bike, then maybe you should clarify that here. I read your lines first, then went and read your explanation and I thought she was riding a regular old bicycle. The sentences seemed to jump around too, like there wasn't a linear train of thought.

[I sat up straighter on my bike. (maybe, motorcycle or motorbike or racing bike, whichever she is on, to give a clearer picture of what she is riding.) Up ahead, the street looked blocked, but someone needed help. (How does she know someone needed help?) It looked like another paranorm event, the third one in a fortnight, but I still needed to get by it. (Why does she need to get by IT, and what is the IT you are referring to? This makes it sound like she is trying to get by the paranormal event to go somewhere else?)
People call me Stone even though my real name is Heather Granite. (This sentence seems out of place here, like it was thrown in because you wanted her name in here somewhere.)Since I moved here five years ago, Iíve gotten into the habit of helping people with supernatual or paranormal problems. I helped people on a smaller level before I was chased out of LA.(Good hook here, now I want to know why she was chased out of L.A. however the preceeding sentence gives me the idea that she never had anything to do with paranormal until she moved to this new place.)
With a twist of the handlebars I flipped onto the sidewalk. ("flipped onto the sidewalk" makes it sound like she just crashed, or did a super somersault with her bike.) A few pedistrians stood around but I thought I could weave through them without too much trouble. Itís not the first time I have done something like this. Iím special... I can sense the paranorm, magic usually slips off of me, Iím stronger than the average girl and very tough. (Perhaps you could condense this by showing how she has these abilities by weaving through the pedestrians instead of telling it).

Overall a good start! I'm intrigued with her abilities and what exactly this paranorm is and why she was chased out of L.A.!

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LDWriter2
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Thank you for reading through it and the comments.

The it she needs to get around is the traffic block. The how of how she knew someone needed help is revealed later... not too much later though.

I had problems deciding where to put her name, I had it later originally but it seemed to fit better there.

And her abilities wouldn't help her get by the pedestrians, well except for her extra strength and reflexes. Maybe I can add that in somehow. But I wanted to put in why she was helping with that type of problem.

Oh it doesn't come in until she helps the person she is headed for but this paranorm event will probably be a griffin that appeared and disappeared after a few seconds. Sudden appearances of supernatural creatures and small storms made up of magical power are a new plague she will have to deal with by finding the cause and stopping it. She's used to helping individuals and families but this time she will have to save the whole city.

And I'm not sure how to put in racing bike in that first sentence. Maybe in the sentence after she pulls up onto the sidewalk.

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LDWriter2
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A PS for my original note. I thought about placing her is San Francisco, they have plenty of street people. But she has a carry permit for a gun and even as a PI I'm not sure she could get one there. I would have to check up on that.

And she is a licensed PI only so she could get the permit.

Hmm, maybe instead of being some type of delivery person her other job could be the PI even though she gets paid for less than half of her cases. Have to think on that.

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Jess
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Interesting idea! I love how she rides a bike (it gives her quirks) and the whole sensing paranormal stuff is great. It will make for a great plot point.
The voice is great, but the word fortnight jarred me a bit. It seems to archaic for the voice you've presented. I was also confused by the "on a smaller level" line. How was it smaller level? Why is she on a larger level now? How did she get chased out for the smaller level but now where she's at she isn't being chased out for the bigger level?
Excellent start though!

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LDWriter2
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I've been thinking about this novel more. I have the third chapter almost done... I paused so I could finish a series of short stories. More on that on one of the writing threads.

Anyway, the story is UF even though my MC doesn't do magic. But I want her to do a couple of tricks that may seem like magic but goes along with who she is.

She can make a shield that is proof against most magics and a lot of physical objects etc.. but it uses her life force so it's very hard on her. The larger the shield the more it takes from her.

Second idea I may give to someone else instead of her is the ability to glide. I don't mean she can take off, she has to jump or fall from a certain height. She would be able to slow her fall.

Third: She can blast people, animals etc.. again it takes her life force so she can only do it a little. And it harms certain types of beings more than others.

Fourth: she can catch a spell sent her way and send it back to the person who cast it at her. She has to be ready for it and actively concentrating on it. And it doesn't work if the spell is powerful enough.

As to what she is that come sup later maybe in the second book. That isn't unusual. I base this idea on two UF series. Both have MCs who are more than human because of something in their ancestry. One could be as many as fifty generations ago. The other one I'm not sure. But in both cases the MC didn't discover exactly what it was for at least a book. One was given a strong hint in the first book but it wasn't until later that she found out what the hint meant.

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