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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Books » The Martian from 1648 Sycamore

   
Author Topic: The Martian from 1648 Sycamore
enigmaticuser
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July the 23 will forever be remembered as the day the Martian invasion was repelled. The day a band of disoriented and illequipped surviving neighbors fought back against a scouting party of twenty Martians. Though later reports would reduce that number to nine. I would reduce it to eight and a half.

Sadly, in the lopsided fight between garden implements and golf clubs on one side, and metal melting ray guns on the other--half the neighborhood was decimated. Alright, that was the initial report also, but at least one house at 1648 Sycamore, Steve Martin's, was burned to the ground. And his neighbor from three doors down, Nolan Ericsson, did have the hair seared off his right arm.


A Future WIP, not really working on it, but the opening popped like a kernal the other day, so I thought I'd see what someone else thought. This would be a lighter novel, sci-fi adventure. Just looking for impressions, more than hard word parsing.

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axeminister
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Jesse,

I'm a little confused so far, but I can see the humor in this.

I'm confused by the narrative voice. Seems distant, and it's reviewing the best parts. They've already happened. I wonder where this can go from here.

Steve Martin?

Given the title, I was hoping for a stronger voice regarding the location. Zoom in over the house, narrate like the movie trailer guy, tell me why you've given your book this title - and tell me right away.

Axe

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enigmaticuser
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That strong a title, huh? Thanks for the insights, you nailed it, this opening would be the main character reviewing a future event (in the third person), and then moving backwards to set up the event. This would have probably a semi-strong narrative presence, akin to the Time Traveler.

Steve Martin, that was the name that popped in . . . it's actually a subconscious grasp at Raymond Burr's character from Godzilla. I'll probably end up changing it, even though I like it, but it might be confusing . . . then again it could be foreshadowing.

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Ben Brooks
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I like the concept you're setting up here, but I stumble over some of the sentences. Try reading them out loud, see if you stumble too. I've found that helps me with my own work tremendously.
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