Hatrack River
Home   |   About Orson Scott Card   |   News & Reviews   |   OSC Library   |   Forums   |   Contact   |   Links
Research Area   |   Writing Lessons   |   Writers Workshops   |   OSC at SVU   |   Calendar   |   Store
E-mail this page
Hatrack River Writers Workshop Post New Topic  Post A Reply
my profile login | register | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Books » Nightrunner

   
Author Topic: Nightrunner
Tom Miller
Member
Member # 9829

 - posted      Profile for Tom Miller   Email Tom Miller         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Here is the log line and first 13 of a novel titled "Nightrunner." It is literary fiction, 80,000 words so far and in second draft stage. For now, I am looking for feedback and edits on the first 13. In future i might well ask for more help, especially on my struggle to work in some mystical and spiritual elements. Thanks in advance.

Log line:

Jack uses money and Sarra uses beauty as they chase their fantasies on a road trip around Lake Victoria; each looking for their own definition of happiness and finding something else.

First 13:

It was Sarra, once again. Jack wondered why she had shown up at their Rift Valley campsite, but knew he would not ask. Moments ago he had piled out of the truck with the other men and they collapsed with happy noises around the fire. Their camp cook, a local Maasai, walked over with a plate of raw goat in each hand and the taller and blacker Sarra by his side.
The two stopped short in that sudden way that demands attention and all saw the cobra coiled at the base of a young thorn tree. The cook calmly gave the goat to Sarra as she slid away, picked up a rock and slammed it down on the snake. Jack cheered with the others but was not relieved. His heart skipped as he caught Sarra’s eye, but her head shook slightly yet firmly, as if mere tic, and she walked off into the bush.

[ May 25, 2012, 12:57 PM: Message edited by: Kathleen Dalton Woodbury ]

Posts: 11 | Registered: May 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Corky
Member
Member # 2714

 - posted      Profile for Corky   Email Corky         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Cool! "taller and blacker" than a Maasai? I'm intrigued already.

I do wonder, however, why the cook would have encumbered her with plates of raw goat meat when she is going to be killing a cobra.

Also, I think the first sentence of the second paragraph is a compound sentence (two different subjects), and therefore needs a comma after "attention."

Posts: 603 | Registered: Jul 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Tom Miller
Member
Member # 9829

 - posted      Profile for Tom Miller   Email Tom Miller         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Well, i meant for the cook to be killing the cobra but now see the sentence is a mess. Thanks.
Posts: 11 | Registered: May 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Tom Miller
Member
Member # 9829

 - posted      Profile for Tom Miller   Email Tom Miller         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
It hit me last night that of course Sarra should be the one to kill the cobra. Had not even occurred to me. Thanks again Corky.
Posts: 11 | Registered: May 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Corky
Member
Member # 2714

 - posted      Profile for Corky   Email Corky         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I also think it makes sense that Sarra would be the one to kill the cobra.

I guess my confusion came when the only female mentioned in the excerpt was Sarra. I see now that you were saying the cobra was female, but that is extremely unclear.

Posts: 603 | Registered: Jul 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
LDWriter2
Member
Member # 9148

 - posted      Profile for LDWriter2   Email LDWriter2         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I assume this is the novel you mentioned on the writing thread. I can't do the whole novel but I can say something about the opening.


Interesting opening, it contains some intriguing sentences. I can see why you think Sarra should have killed the cobra but I'm not sure. But I hope she gave the goat meat back before she left.

I think readers will keep reading to see what that was all about.

Posts: 4844 | Registered: Jun 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
MartinV
Member
Member # 5512

 - posted      Profile for MartinV   Email MartinV         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Why would anyone want to kill a cobra? Cobras are more valuable alive than dead.
Posts: 1271 | Registered: May 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Tom Miller
Member
Member # 9829

 - posted      Profile for Tom Miller   Email Tom Miller         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Usually, Martin would be correct, but not if you are a nomadic cattle herder and it decides it likes your campsite. Plus, as will be revealed later in the book, cobras rarely move about at night and hate fire, so something else might just be up with this one.
Posts: 11 | Registered: May 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Tom Miller
Member
Member # 9829

 - posted      Profile for Tom Miller   Email Tom Miller         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Taking your feedback to heart, i have rewritten the beginning of Nightrunner. Further thoughts and ideas welcomed. Thanks all.

Jack knew it was Sarra before he saw her face. Their camp cook, a local Maasai, carried two heaped plates of goat ready for grilling and the taller and blacker Sarra walked beside him out of the night and toward their fire. With no moon and her hair up in a kanga turban, still he knew this woman and Jack cursed under his breath. He would not ask why she had shown up at their Rift Valley campsite because he already knew.

Suddenly she stopped short, eyes fixed at the base of a young thorn tree ten feet from them, and all saw the cobra coiled there. The cook slid backwards, eyes darting, and with blank face Sarra picked up a flat rock and slammed it hard on the snake. Jack cheered with the others but was not relieved.

Jack’s partner, Dalton, looked over at her, smiled broadly and

[ June 19, 2012, 08:11 PM: Message edited by: Kathleen Dalton Woodbury ]

Posts: 11 | Registered: May 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

Quick Reply
Message:

HTML is not enabled.
UBB Code™ is enabled.
UBB Code™ Images not permitted.
Instant Graemlins
   


Post New Topic  Post A Reply Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Hatrack River Home Page

Copyright © 2008 Hatrack River Enterprises Inc. All rights reserved.
Reproduction in whole or in part without permission is prohibited.


Powered by Infopop Corporation
UBB.classic™ 6.7.2