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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Books » Do This in Remembrance - tag line

   
Author Topic: Do This in Remembrance - tag line
Crank
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I might use this as the story's basic description. I might use it in a query letter. Any and all feedback would be appeaciated.

S!

------------

A popular spiritual belief on the planet of Syrrytnys tells that a personís soul will traverse to a peaceful afterlife only if enough positive realm thoughts are offered up on that personís behalf by those still residing in the physical world.

Shipís CEO Saerr Saed Nommn wasnít the only person who felt that those fellow Syrrytnyns killed in a botched and completely unnecessary military encounter fifty years ago did not deserve positive realm remembrance; he just happened to be in the vicinity when those very same deceased voiced their sorrow.

Those looking after Saerr Saed Nommnís positive realm well being just happened to be in the vicinity to discover those deceased werenít who he thought they were.

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MartinV
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I got stuck on the name of the planet; enough to kill my interest. The rest of it was too complicated. Sorry.
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Rose Red
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I got lost in every single sentence. It was bad enough that I had to re-read them several times.

I understand what you are trying to say but it just gets lost on those who can't peak inside your mind and read the whole book.

I think the big thought here is that the deceased weren't who everyone thought they were. Maybe try focusing on that and leave out the 'positive realm thought' stuff. It might clear it up and make it more intriguing. Its a really good start though.

I like the planet name but I also REALLY like the letter 'y'. Most people are going to get irritated by it and may give up.

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