posted
First Contact is the beginning of a novel I'm working on. While I've published technical and business articles, I've had a story in my head for many years.... now I have some time to try my hand at it. Comments, questions and input is greatly appreciated!
Mainly, will this pull you to the next page?
Thanks in advance!
*************************** “Where will all the people live?” asked the soft voice. “In the new houses” he answered.
“How will you build them?”
“We can use big huge rocks”
“Rocks?” The question flung Will from his deep sleep. Rubbing his eyes he looked around the room, seeking the voice from his dream. Sitting up he took inventory of the moonlit room. Guns still in the holsters on the bedpost, cowboy hat on top, toy box stuffed and partially closed. All items important to a four year old were accounted for and in their place.
A rustling from the backyard drew his attention, he knelt on his bed to lean on the window ledge and looked through the window. A full moon lit the yard except where tree and bush shadows
posted
I'm intrigued by the soft voice and his/her conversation, mostly because of the "big huge rocks" ; is this what the 4 year old hears, or how the other person talks? Not sure if an adult would say big and huge. I'm also not sure if I understand the connection between the first conversation and Will's "Rocks?". I was confused on first read and had to go back to figure out exactly who was saying what.
I really like your choice of what's important to Will, but the last sentence in that paragraph seems out of place; what does that have to do with the story at this point? Are you trying to draw attention to the fact that Will is a typical 4yo? For me, the fact that he "took inventory" tells me that those are the important items to him.
Not sure if this is where you are going, but I kind of love the idea of a 4yo as the MC (one of the reasons I can reread Ender's Game and Ender's Shadow any day).
Posts: 35 | Registered: Apr 2011
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posted
I'd turn the page. First impression, I was thinking it was something sci-fi, but then once I got to guns and holsters that changed for me. I'd like to see where it heads, and also to find out about this soft voice.
Hearing room in the two back to back sentences made me pause.
Posts: 18 | Registered: Oct 2012
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posted
It sounded like a stevens spielbergian story about to unfold. I love kids having big adventures, that feel big (somehow today a lot of big adventures feel small).
I didn't catch it the first time, but the narration identifying him as a four year old, has the effect of stepping back. People don't normally catagorize themselves like that, but then again, children do tend to brag on their age, so maybe that works, but it feels a little removed. A little more omniscient than just 3rd person.
Also in the first lines, I'm not sure if he is one of the voices or observing them.
I would keep reading.
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