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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Books » Revised Query letter for The Gods

   
Author Topic: Revised Query letter for The Gods
Jed Anderson
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Archaeologists found ancient Mayan scriptures that told of a war. A war in the stars that caused their Gods to leave this world. The Maya created a calendar to count down to the time when their Gods would return.

In a post-apocalyptic world that was conquered in the Purification by the returned Mayan Gods, and where mankind fights for its survival, Orion Samson was conceived by those who were stolen by the Gods and then cast away. Raised in what was known as the northern midwest, he earned the title Godslayer at the age of seventeen after killing a God in defense of his sister. He's traveled the land in search of those with the same heritage. Those born with a gift, and a curse. In the fight against these beings that call themselves Gods, Orion takes the charge to end the terror that steals children to create weapons. Creatures who enslave mankind under a blanket of fear and death. Can Orion keep those that he loves safe? Does he have the conviction to finish what he has started? But, most importantly, will the heresy he commits against the Gods liberate Mankind, or condemn it?

The Return of the Gods is a science fiction novel of 71,550 words, and is potentially the first of a series.

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Grumpy old guy
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Jed, as I'm sure you're about to find out, it's not wise to ask rhetorical questions in a query.

Phil.

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Corky
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The rest of it is much better, though.

Can you reword the rhetorical questions as things Orion struggles with?

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Estee
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The first sentence in paragraph two is long and confusing. By the second paragraph, I'm ready to meet the MC: maybe try leading with him:

Orion Samson lives in a post-apocalyptic world conquered by the returned Mayan God.

Then give us Orion's motives. I'm totally confused by the conceived by those stolen by the Gods part--either help the reader understand why that is important enough to be in this query, or leave it out.

Instead of the rhetorical questions, give us what actions Orion has to take in order to achieve his desires.

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micmcd
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quote:
Archaeologists found ancient Mayan scriptures that told of a war. A war in the stars that caused their Gods to leave this world.
You certainly don't always have to use full sentences when writing, but at the beginning of a query, this abbreviated statement feels a little jarring.
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