posted
The second decade of Earth’s twenty-first century was the end of the beginning. For Alexandra, anyway. She worried incessantly about it and no one in either the Amet or Human race could out-worry her. Strike that. Her mom actually worried better; she taught Alexandra well. The Dawning engulfed Alexandra early—at age sixteen—instead of nineteen. She’d die if her classmates found out. After enduring past life memories seeping into dreams for three years, she would meet her soul. Her pulse quickened and palms sweat when she pondered morphing. Okay. Her mom tried to explain she’d be the same person when her soul divulged itself. But Alexandra’s brain spit out the concept. What a coincidence Jude, her sixteen-year-old boyfriend, also began Dawning. Maybe subconsciously they egged each other on.
Posts: 67 | Registered: Mar 2013
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posted
Though there are more details here to ground the reader, most of this is teling. We're told the second decade is the end of the beginning (which is really vague and doesn't offer readers much), we're told Alexandra worried incessantly, and that her mom worried better.
To be honest, if you really wanted suggestions of where the story should begin, it's probably necessary for someone to read further and help you pick out that point from the narrative. A critique on first 13s has its limitations.
Posts: 1216 | Registered: Nov 2011
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posted
This is an in medias res opening that leaves out all the basic information a reader needs: who, where and what. Who is Alexandra, and why should I care, as a reader? Where am I, what's the milieu, or setting? What's the problem, or to get technical, the dramatic complication?
As an opening, it leaves me with nothing but questions and no answers. At least give me something I can hang my hat on in these first 13 lines.
posted
OK. Thanks. I'm on Chapter 2 of my draft. I'll keep on going and post a 1st 13 after I finish the entire long form.
Posts: 67 | Registered: Mar 2013
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