posted
I have been laboring over this query letter for my novel for over a month, so I could use some help with it if anyone has the time and inclination. My main issue is this: my novel is not YA, but the protagonist is a teenager, and a good portion of the action takes place in high school. However, there is somewhat transgressive sexual content that rules out a YA classification (and believe me, I know YA, having taught middle school for quite a while). I would say it's New Adult, and that it's horror, though the sex is far more graphic than the violence (and still not all that graphic-- mostly the situations are edgy).
First, I'll give you the joke pitch that I came up with: teenage werewolf is involved in a love triangle with her uncle and an animated silicone boy. Want to read it?
Without further verbose prelude, here is the query I have so far. Please rip it to shreds. I need all the help I can get. I am also happy to post the first 13 lines as well, if people want to see them.
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Being a werewolf makes you stronger, faster, and hotter than everyone else, but it doesn’t actually make your life better, as Genny found out the hard way. Since she was bitten by her uncle Clayton when she was thirteen, all it has given her is a dead end life in the ironically named Halcyon Days Mobile Home Park.
The novel begins after Genny has lost both her parents, and she and her younger siblings are living with Uncle Clayton. A pack of two, Clayton and Genny have been resisting their sexual and hostile urges for each other by hitting on and hitting the humans around them. At seventeen, Genny has gained the reputation of school slut and resident ass-kicker, and she’s tired of that and of caring for her siblings. When a strange green star appears in the sky, it heralds the arrival of new monsters in Genny’s life, but also brings Emmett, a strange, quiet boy. Her relationship with Emmett is the first secret she has ever kept from Clayton, shattering the delicate equilibrium of their relationship.
Halcyon Days is a New Adult horror novel that uses supernatural elements to explore the psychological truths of a damaged family. It is complete at 90,000 words, and is a stand alone novel that has series potential.
Being a werewolf makes you stronger, faster, and hotter than everyone else, but it doesn’t actually make your life better, as Genny found out the hard way. Since she was bitten by her uncle Clayton when she was thirteen, all it has given her is a dead end life in the ironically named Halcyon Days Mobile Home Park.
The novel begins after
These last four words aren't needed. And with only about 250 words in a query, you don't want to waste any.
quote: Genny has lost both her parents, and she and her younger siblings are living with Uncle Clayton. A pack of two, Clayton and Genny have been resisting their sexual and hostile urges for each other by hitting on and hitting the humans around them. At seventeen, Genny has gained the reputation of school slut and resident ass-kicker, and she’s tired of that and of caring for her siblings. When a strange green star appears in the sky, it heralds the arrival of new monsters in Genny’s life, but also brings Emmett, a strange, quiet boy. Her relationship with Emmett is the first secret she has ever kept from Clayton, shattering the delicate equilibrium of their relationship.
What I'm getting from this is more the premise than the plot. What's the inciting incident? Take the story up to that point (in general).
Try to show:
Who is the main character and why we should care about him/her?
What problem do they have/what choice do they have to make?
What are the consequences/stakes?
quote:Halcyon Days is a New Adult horror novel that uses supernatural elements to explore the psychological truths of a damaged family. It is complete at 90,000 words, and is a stand alone novel that has series potential.
Generally, focus on the plot, not the theme. (Explore the psychological truths . . . is a theme)
posted
This query suggests to me that the novel is directionless and too directly portrayed. The complication between Genny and Clayton is a potential sexual tension engine, albeit incest taboo, but not to my thinking a main dramatic complication worthy of a fantasy, folktale-like novel. I can't put a story shape on it from what's given. I do feel a vague sense of a routine interrupted, danger at the door scenario. But that story shape often arises from a visitation shape, like the coming of Emmett. The classic stranger comes to town narrative form.
The too directly portyrayed aspect I feel is that all the details are spelled out, meanings interpreted to readers, rather than presented in an implied manner. Use of the term "ironically" therein signals most strongly that readers are being told what that circumstance means.
The strongest features for me of the query are the sexual tension between niece Genny and uncle Clayton, but I feel it's too directly stated and would benifit from being more indirectly implied; the secrecy Genny will keep from Clayton, thus keep Emmett's existence and relationship with Genny secret from Clayton, the strongest complication I see; least strong is Genny and Clayton are werewolves.
But I see another potentially potent main dramatic complication that's implied by the three; that is, werewolves signify physical elitism, yet Genny and Clayton are trailer court denizens and not in any way portrayed as desiring elitism, a strong desire therein for Genny to escape from the mediocrity of an urbane existence. The stranger come to town Emmett--is he elite?--is potentially Genny's avenue toward achieving that escape from the trailer court life and the wicked, not entirely unwelcome predations of Clayton.
Sexual tension is typically a background tension engine in narratives, even romance types. A foreground tension engine for romance types often is a yearning for meaningful belonging in a desirable social relationship.
Middle grade literature typically covers ages ten through twelve, takes place in settings removed from the careful guardianship of parents and other guardians, often in schools, foster homes, and maturation-related away trips. This is the age when main dramatic complications for protagonists are caused by first independent want and problem satisfaction experiences.
Young adult, alternatively, is the age when independent adult identity formation takes place, mostly vicariously experiencing the privileges and rights of adulthood, and their causing want and problem satisfaction complications.
New or early adult, consequently, is the age when young folk learn to cope with the responsibilities, obligations, and duties of adulthood. The wants are counterposed with problems that have to be independently negotiated.
The query's overlapping age phase maturation leads me into a directionless course. Genny is at once a middle ager, a young adult, and an early adult and has no core maturation phase portrayal. Of course, that too could be implied and a dynamic plot engine, the integration of Genny's personal maturation growth.
Anyway, I don't see the dynamic between Genny and Clayton as much more than a background compulsion for Genny to gravitate to Emmett. And Emmett making things difficult for Genny because she's not in his league. That to me is the main dramatic complication worthy of this novel inspiration. This is what I project: Genny wants what Emmett represents, but Emmett is inaccessible until Genny aligns her emotional maturity with his. Even then, he's a difficult love interest because she comes from the wrong side of the tracks. He's got some growing up to do too and Genny is a cause of his growth.
posted
Thanks for the feedback. I feel like I need to do a lot more work on it. So the deal is, the primary conflict is within Genny--she is attached to her family, has been caring for her siblings, and has this deep attraction to her uncle that is driven mostly by the animalistic urges of being a werewolf. They direct their aggression and their attraction outward, but they share it psychically, which makes for a quasi-incestuous relationship that balances them right on the edge of the taboo. They are also isolated, which is why there are only two of them in this story. Genny feels trapped by their circumstances, and at 17 she realizes that she cannot remain in that situation forever and have any fulfillment in life. Her younger brother Austyn is also a potential werewolf, and she feels that he needs to have a real pack in order to have a shot at a "normal" werewolf life.
It's not that Emmett is out of Genny's league. It's that he's not really a person. He's a golem, and he just reflects her desires and wants. Basically, an animated doll, drawn to her by the conjunction of the green star that has drawn a lot of strange creatures to Genny's little town. There are two other subplots that involve these creatures that I have not mentioned at all in this query, one involving Genny's sister, and one involving her high school life. Both of these have some dark sexual content, along with the Genny/Clayton/Emmett stuff.
In the end, though, Emmett helps Genny resolve the conflicts that arise from the arrival of the star, and he moves on. Genny is going to go with him, but she cannot leave her family before the kids are able to function without her for a time. In the end, she does leave, without Emmett, with plans to find other werewolves and to come back for her family. In my mind, it's Clayton that she really loves, but the incest taboo and the fact that being with him would completely shut down any chance she has to leave Halcyon Days means she cannot go down that road at this point.
How do I express this all in a query letter? This is not a middle grade book, nor is it YA. There is sex that is explicit both in content and context. It is definitely in the New Adult range in that respect.
Really, summarizing this book satisfactorily has been very, very hard for me. This is like my billionth draft, and still, it's not doing its job. I wish folks could read it and help me that way, because I am not succeeding, and it's bumming me out. My beta readers have really enjoyed it, so please don't take my crappy query as an indication of its value as a book. I just need to find a way to bring it across better.
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posted
Also, I have read the entire QueryShark archive, and it is a good resource. I envy people who can summarize their whole story easily in a few sentences. I am kind of depressed by the fact that I really like my novel, and I think a larger audience would like it too, but no one ever will unless I am able to get this query right.
Genny's problem is that she and her uncle are in love, maybe by default, maybe because they are cursed (being a werewolf is not a blessing), but they cannot act on it for many reasons, both subtle and obvious. It has really warped both their lives for the worse. Genny realizes that they are all stuck in isolated ignorance, and she wants out. Emmett reflects back what she needs to hear, which gives her the strength to finally launch out of Halcyon Days, to find a way to give at least her siblings a shot at a normal life. But to do this, she has to leave them all behind, which is incredibly hard for her. They're all she has.
Sorry to ramble and take up so much space here.
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posted
Okay, I'm really going to suggest that you pick up the free download of FROM THE QUERY TO THE CALL above. It'll help.
Now, focus down the synopsis you gave above. On OSC's MICE quotient, this is a character story. (If you haven't read CHARACTERS AND VIEWPOINT, get that, too.)
What is Genny's current situation? (Frankly, for a query, I'd leave out the almost-incest angle. It may be fine in the story, but it's going to turn off at least a few agents before you get them that far.) What is it she wants? What finally kicks her out of her rut to find it?
Next, what does she have to do to get what she wants? What choice does she have to make? What are the consequences of that choice?
Put that in about 250 words and you've got a start. Easier said than done, I know (believe me, I know).
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You are right, it is a character story. Genny's current situation is that she is a senior in high school, and she has a bad reputation for getting in fights and being a slut, and she is sick of it, but she can't see a way for anything to be different. She's locked into her family situation, and has no friends, has mostly screwed up school for herself. She wants connection, real connection, but her nature prevents it, both her personality and being a werewolf. Mostly she wants to closeness from Clayton, but that relationship also is locked tight into a rut that maintains the minimum amount of distance between them.
What kicks Genny out of her rut is this green star, which is the precipitating event that lures three new supernatural beings to the town. She gets a couple of new friends out of it, and it shakes up her family relationships--Emmett comes between her and Clayton, another character comes between her and her sister, and the third shakes up life at the high school. When things get unbalanced, she realizes her family are stifling each other.
Genny, in typical teenage girl fashion, thinks she will run off with Emmett, but that's not what he's for. He gave her some privacy of mind from Clayton, because he's not a real person, so he is not perceived by their werewolf selves. This separation gave her the perspective she needed to see that their world was tiny, but it didn't need to be. She could get out into the world and open up their lives to other possibilities, without Emmett, and for a while at least, without Clayton. The consequences are, Genny is about to head out into the world totally alone. Terrifying, but necessary.
Leave out the incest angle... hmmm. Frankly, the tension between Genny and Clayton drives the conflict. It's the heart of what the book is about. Emmett is just a proxy for her own need to get some space from her family. It's not a YA romance. It's a story about a girl who is in love with her uncle, how that relationship screws up both their lives, and how she needs to break out of it so that her family can have some semblance of normalcy. I worry that, if I don't mention it, an agent will be blindsided when this full bore incest theme comes at them. No?
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posted
Unfortunately, I tend to agree with extrinsic here. (Not unfortunately for extrinsic, but unfortunately for this story.) Dave Wolverton once talked about making the issues relevant for the age. As an (extreme) example, he said that many grandmothers come to him with books intended for children, where the grandmother saves the day. His point was that they often are blinded by what satisfies them as a writer/grandmother, and don't understand the audience sufficiently. This, he suggested, was the key reason that Meyers' Twilight series went so well - she really understood, and could deliver, to her audience.
So specifically for this story, New Adult deals with college days, and has inherent freedoms not available with school. Therefore, being set in school will, IMO, simply miss the audience because of the implied restrictions. If the intended audience is out of school, they do not want to read about people that are still in that restricted environment. Also, as it aims at 18 to 25, few would want to read about a 17 year old. This simple analysis may make an agent reject the idea without reading much further.
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posted
I worried about that issue. So there is no way to write an adult novel about a teenage protagonist? Hemlock Grove comes to mind as an example of a book that has a teenage werewolf as a protagonist, lots of dark sexual themes, marketed as New Gothic horror for adults. But maybe there is only room for one book like this in the world. Maybe it's not New Adult. Maybe it's just adult. And I think plenty of adults want to read books about kids in sketchy situations.
Not sure what to do at this point. Delete the entire 91,000 words and forget it? You're making me cry here. Almost literally. Could it be that I am just doing a bad job of describing it, or are you telling me that this book, as I've described it, simply will not be sellable no matter how good it is?
ETA: Some research on the topic of protagonist age in New Adult indicates that there are quite a few that contain teenage protagonists in sexual situations. It seems to be a controversial issue in publishing these days, but it's a rising trend. I'm not saying you're wrong, that my book is unmarketable. I'm just saying that it seems to me (based on what my teenage students are reading) that this New Adult genre is exactly what I'm writing: books with teenage or immediately post-teenage protagonists in highly sexual situations. Genny is 17 at the beginning of the novel, 18 when it ends. Close enough, maybe.
posted
Oh, there are plenty of examples of stories for adults with child or teenage protagonists. Here are a few: Ender's Game (O.S. Card), Chrysalis (John Wyndham), To Kill A Mockingbird (Harper Lea),The Fifth Head of Cerberus (Gene Wolf), More than Human (Theodore Sturgeon).
So, no. I'm simply saying that to target New Adult is missing the appropriate market. It may need to be considered an adult market, which is more forgiving. Alternatively, market it to young adult, and edit out the offending elements for that market.
As to forgetting it, no. Some of the best writers on this forum (e.g. see this topic and note that axeminister, genevive42 and History are all finalists of Writers of the Future) have written but not sold any novel yet. It is great experience for you, and is part of your journey as an author. Never be scared or disappointed with starting new stories. Never be worried about the need to rewrite a story, even large swathes of it. Never be concerned with stories not being sold. These are all part of the writing business. I suspect that the top 10% of writers that stick long enough to learn their craft well could write top selling stories, but far fewer get that opportunity. Does that mean that those that don't get published write poorly? No. It is just the nature of the game.
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The audience is 18-25, but the characters can be high school aged. That is kind of where I am aimed, I think. But I might be wrong. Not sure, obviously, and it's bugging me.
Oddly, I originally wrote this book as a YA novel. Then I let about 5 people read it, and all of them said the same thing: "Did you forget to write about the obvious incestuous love between Genny and Clayton? Because I am dying to know what is really going on between them." This spurred an almost total rewrite, which took the book straight out of YA into adult, or new adult, or whatever it is. And it's a much more honest story now, though much harder to describe or categorize. The sex is necessary. It's justified in context and integral to the telling. It's just too much for YA.
There is a niche for it, if I could pitch it right and get it under the right set of eyes.
I do appreciate your words of encouragement so very much. I will just have to write a query that does the job, and I clearly have not remotely done that yet.
The comments here are intended to provide clarity and foster support for your novel project and query. They are not intended to raise doubt nor trivialize your efforts. We understand your struggles, having them ourselves.
A query in its simplest essence introduces a product to an audience. In a much more complex way, a query illustrates a writer's writing skills in a brief letter of introduction.
I am not quite sure what the intent and meaning of your query are. Emphasis on sexual tension between Genny and Clayton implies that's the essence of the novel. "Sexual tension is a social phenomena that occurs when two individuals interact and one or both feel sexual desire, but the consummation is postponed or never happens. . . . Sexual tension often occurs between friends when the relationship is close and often flirtatious, yet the two people involved adamantly deny their feelings for each other to themselves, and to others. . . . It is a common feature of plot and characterization in works of fiction. This longing is often suggested by incidents of intimacy; for instance, when two people or characters are alone and in close proximity (or actually touching), yet desire is never explicitly expressed. Another common theme is for characters to develop an interest in one another over the course of the plot, and if this is expertly done the audience can become aware of the growing attraction." (Wikipedia: Sexual Tension).
Sexual tension key features therein are "never consumated," "denial," "suggestion," and "never explicity expressed." Readers can figure out what's going on if they're given sufficient context (who, when, and where) and texture (what, how, and why) to relate to. Actually, readers are delighted when they are in the know more so than characters are. This is dramatic irony.
Clearly suggesting who the audience is is a necessity for a query. New or early adult is an emerging prose category, since a great deal of recent popular literature targeted young adults and they are a strong marketable reading audience that's aging. I favor the term early adult, because later age ranges are labeled middle adult and late adult.
My concern with your query is it focuses on motifs that are given explicity and don't to my thinking portray a main dramatic complication that carries the entire plot.
You have a strong grasp of the situation of your novel, I feel. Situation by itself is a context feature: who, where, and when. The texture I feel is not quite there: what, why, and how; either because the motifs are too directly portrayed and could become artfully suggestive instead or because the emphasis is on sideline motifs. This is a matter of a challenging feature for dramatic writing: a main dramatic complication.
Simply, a dramatic complication is a want or problem wanting satisfaction. In the case of Genny, she has a mountain of problems given in the query, and a suggested want; however, the focus is on what she will do for others' benefits. Approach the query from what Genny most wants and what problems prevent her from satisfying that want, and what personal cost is at stake.
Stakes and outcomes generally relate to a dramatic complication in that they are the possible directly opposing ouctomes, a dramatic conflict, or simply "conflict" in general writing vernacular. Like in Genny's case, I project her conflict is one of successful satisfaction of her greatest want or failure to satisfy that want. What failure is she most afraid of? Stuck for life in Halcyon Days or its equivalent elsewhere?
I project the story shape as one of a personal journey quest. Genny is the native born prodigal who most wants to leave home, at least the Halcyon Days existence. That Emmett arrives, vistitation shape, and compels her to want to leave parallels her quest. The two classic story shapes: a native prodigal leaves home, or a stranger comes to town. They are alike. The stranger was a native who left home somewhere. The prodigal becomes a stranger after leaving home.
Personal journey quests have a tangible goal in mind. A place, for example. However, intangible goals move into the foreground as an action unfolds. Genny most wants what? To leave Halcyon Days and participate in a more meaningful life. Where would she go and what does the goal and destination mean to her? Why wherever does she plan to go? How will she satisfy the goal?
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posted
extrinsic, thank you! Your message is extremely valuable to me. You are right, the query as written focuses on externalities, all the problems and set up, but not the action of the novel. I agree, it's a prodigal narrative that parallels with the stranger comes to town story. What Genny wants most is to break free of all the constraints: from hiding in plain sight within human society, with and all its judgments and expectations; from the way her family is so narrow and isolated; and from her own feelings of worthlessness. Getting out of Halcyon Days is the concrete expression of these desires, but she isn't even able to consider the possibility until their relationships are all in crisis and threatened in some way. It's funny how people can be so stiflingly close to each other that they forget who each other are. The perspective she gets from Emmett and the other "stranger" characters is enough to get her to realize that she has to leave them and IS ABLE TO go off on her own in order to help them all have the lives they deserve. Emmett is merely a catalyst; once she sees a way out, she no longer needs him. She is able to be an individual, isn't just a victim or a label or a carefully proscribed part of a dysfunctional family.
I am going to work on the query tonight using the workbook that Meredith so excellently recommended. I will try for a more nuanced approach to the sexual tension and will focus more on what Genny wants and how she gets it rather than all the set up. I hope you all will be around to look at it and see if I have done any better.
Do you like the idea of this as an "emerging adult" or "near adult" story?
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quote:Originally posted by PAB: Do you like the idea of this as an "emerging adult" or "near adult" story?
I like the idea that a writer may privately use those terms for clarifying a project's goals. Those kinds of thought exercises are invaluable. Those terms are, however, analagous to young adult, the universally accepted marketing category for post pubescent, juvenile adult literature.
A primary mission, so to speak, for a young adult is to prepare to leave home and attain a degree of independence by age eighteen. Teenage rebellion is part of the familial detachment process, countered in turn by at times overbearing, dysfunctional parental caretaking.
If you develop the sexual tension as a more nuanced motif, this novel should become squarely young adult. Alternatively, if Genny's trapped at home by codependence into the early adult years, keep the idea of nuanced sexual tension, and consider revisiting Genny's age.
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posted
Genny and her uncle are not having sex. However, they are having sex with other people, and I am not going to shy away from addressing that when it is necessary to the plot, which I assure you it is. I am not into describing sex with the kind of graphicness that Fifty Shades of Grey uses. I do not name or describe body parts and their trajectories. However, I am also not as oblique about it as Twilight-- sexual acts are depicted, just not in gory detail. Genny loses her virginity at 13 and that situation is described. There is also some other content that, while the characters are teens, the situations are adult. This is how real life is: teenagers do adult things and suffer adult consequences.
New Adult is not the same as YA and is marketed very differently. It has late teens/early twenties protagonists with fairly graphic sex, from the examples of it I have read. Genny is a hair younger than the usual NA protagonist when the book starts, but by no means out of range for it, and she is 18 going on 19 when she leaves home. I see no reason not to pitch it to this age group, which is the big emerging market in fiction these days.
Genny needs to be a senior in HS when this story takes place. Much of Genny's conflict revolves around her alien nature, and her inability to fit in with her peers. Her graduation into the world is different than the average 18 year old's as a result. I think the NA audience would be very interested in a highly sexually tense relationship between a 17 year old girl and her werewolf uncle, if it's written right. Most of it is nuanced, but both of these characters are driven by animalistic emotions, and that needs to be illustrated and not just implied.
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posted
Would it help if I posted somewhere a chapter or section that contains one of the sex scenes? So you can tell if this is too edgy for YA/NA? Though NA is pretty edgy from my experience. I'd rather try to market it as New Adult and take my chances that cut out the sex scenes. Recall that I had originally written the book without them, and all of my beta readers clamored for it, which is why it's in there.
posted
You can only post the beginning 13 lines of a chapter here on the Hatrack River Writers Workshop forum, but you can email as much as you want to anyone who is willing to receive such an email.
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posted
Right, yeah, I guess if anyone wants me to email them, my email is visible, so contact me and let me know. The more I think about it, the more I think this book is NA or what used to be known as edgy YA. YA does not mean what it used to, folks. I know this from reading avidly what my students read. You would not believe what is passing for YA these days.
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posted
PAB, you keep comparing your novel to Twilight, but YA genre is so much more than Twilight. There are many edgy YA novels out there that have sex and show sex in a non-pornographic way. YA can have sex in it. Like you said, real teenagers deal with real life adult situations all the time. You can show that in YA.
I don't have any recommendations becasue I don't read the more edgier YA novels. They don't interesting me, but I know there is some really dark stuff out there. It may not be paranormal(probably more in contemporary YA) but that doesn't matter. I think you need to branch out a little in YA to find out what is acceptable in the genre. I think you will be surprised about how far you can go.
I suggest visiting Absolute Write writer's forum (link here) and ask them for recommendations on some YA novels that may be similar to yours. there is a YA section there, and the people there are very well read in the YA genre and very helpful. I really think they may be more equipt to help you know where your story may lie. It may still be YA even if it shows a lot of sex.
As far as your query, I don't have much to say because extrinsic hit the nail on the head. So what he said.
I am curious about the Uncle because this is far more than just incest. Depending on whether he is actively persuing the main character this could touch into ideas of child grooming which should be handled with care. I think the more disturbing aspects of this story is that he is in the position to dominate her by being her legal guardian and maybe even alpha male in werewolf terms.
Anyway, there are a lot of disturbing elements here, and I just hope they aren't being glossed over.
I'm not saying not to write. This could be a really fascinating novel if done respectively. I just wanted to make sure you were aware if you weren't already.
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posted
I'm not really comparing it to Twilight. Thematically they have nothing in common. Twilight was mentioned upthread as a successful YA story because it addresses sex in a way that its market could handle. That isn't my market, but another poster mentioned it, and I was using it as a benchmark for "obliquely mentioned sex in YA."
I actually was looking at Absolute Write tonight and might sign up for posting privileges if I can. I have read a LOT of YA, but not much "near adult." But I think you are right-- there is plenty of sex in YA these days, I alluded to that above. So maybe it is on the outer edge of what YA is today.
The uncle is not grooming Genny. Believe me, I considered this. In fact, he has taken great pains to avoid her because he doesn't want to be part of making more werewolves. She is fascinated with him from the moment she meets him for the first time (she's 8), but it's because he is the alpha and the only other werewolf she knows. However, a series of circumstances force Clayton to take Genny in when she is 11. Even when they live together, he minimizes his contact. However, due to this werewolf curse, he feels compelled to bite her when she is 13. At this point, he is unable to keep them separate, emotionally or psychically. They are both totally tortured about it. And in the end, they address their attraction for each other for what it is. He never lays a hand on her, sexually, in this book.
Working with teens and tweens, I've seen a lot of damaged family relationships, which tend to bleed from generation to generation. That is what is happening here. Clayton's father was an abusive monster, and as a result he was exiled from werewolf society, which means his son grew up with no real understanding of how to be a "good" werewolf. He manages his relationship with Genny as best he can, but he doesn't know how to do it right, and things get pretty strange between them.
Werewolves have gotten the sparkle treatment from, you know, Twilight, and I am trying to take it back it as a curse. Yes, they are stronger, faster, and hotter than everyone else, but they are also full of rage and lust that they can only poorly control, and it screws up their lives. Maybe werewolves that have a functioning pack are able to do it, but Genny and Clayton are not. Genny wants to get out there and find more werwolves so that her younger brother will not grow up as screwed up as she and Clayton are. Clayton has been alone too long and is afraid to leave his comfortable/uncomfortable rut, but by the end of this book, Genny isn't afraid to leave anymore. That is the real point of the whole story.
quote:Originally posted by PAB: Yes, they are stronger, faster, and hotter than everyone else, but they are also full of rage and lust that they can only poorly control, and it screws up their lives. Maybe werewolves that have a functioning pack are able to do it, but Genny and Clayton are not. Genny wants to get out there and find more werwolves so that her younger brother will not grow up as screwed up as she and Clayton are. Clayton has been alone too long and is afraid to leave his comfortable/uncomfortable rut, but by the end of this book, Genny isn't afraid to leave anymore. That is the real point of the whole story.
I wonder, PAB, if this isn't also the tack you need to take in your query.
Start with the werewolf curse, indicate that Genny is not in a functioning pack and explain what her situation is, and that should clarify her want and the focus of your story and your query.
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posted
Kathleen, I think you are right. After I posted about it, I was thinking about it all day. How much mention should I make of Emmett? And the green star? Just one sentence?
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posted
I like this paragraph you wrote in a post above:
"What kicks Genny out of her rut is this green star, which is the precipitating event that lures three new supernatural beings to the town. She gets a couple of new friends out of it, and it shakes up her family relationships--Emmett comes between her and Clayton, another character comes between her and her sister, and the third shakes up life at the high school. When things get unbalanced, she realizes her family are stifling each other."
In terms of distilling your idea, I like it. I REALLY like what Kathleen said. Also, what made me want to read your book most is your "joke pitch":
"teenage werewolf is involved in a love triangle with her uncle and an animated silicone boy."
And I'm not big into the urban fantasy scene. But I'll read anything if the narration has a philosophical sense of humor. Does your book? If so, I'd work that flavor in a tad. You are my hero, you finished your book. I think that's stinkin' awesome. Cheers!
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posted
If you mention the green star, you need to explain it. Maybe just say that a stranger (who isn't susceptible to werewolf bites?) enters the mix and that kicks Genny out of her rut.
I don't know. You don't want to bring up too many things in your query. I remember reading something once about science fiction stories in which writers were advised to not include too many impossible things--readers will accept one or two, but not more than that.
A werewolf, a green star, and three new supernatural beings may be too much for a query, even if they work the way you introduce them in the actual manuscript.
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posted
Thanks for your kind words! It does have a sense of humor, in places, a dark one, though. It's a pretty dark, intense book, but Genny does have wit going for her. I like the idea of saying Emmett is a stranger who is not susceptible to werewolves. That about sums it up.
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Yes, they are stronger, faster, and hotter than everyone else, but werewolves are also full of rage and lust that simmer just below the surface. Maybe werewolves that have a functioning pack are able to handle these emotions, but seventeen year old Genny and her uncle Clayton struggle, and often fail, to control them. Genny wants to break out of her dead end life in the Halcyon Days Mobile Home Park so that her younger siblings will not grow up as screwed up as she and Clayton are, especially eight year old Austyn, who has a wolf inside him too. She can’t imagine how she’ll do it, until her stifling life is transformed by the arrival Emmett, an odd, quiet boy, who is immune to her werewolf charm, but who loves the girl in her. Kicked out of her rut, Genny realizes that she has to get out of Halcyon Days, for all their sakes.
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"Yes, they," these opening words don't bode well for the remainder. If I were to consider this query on a typically busy workday, I'd be done at the second word. The first, "yes," is a meaningless interjection, hanging out in front all by itself without a question posed or context given beforehand. By the time its context is given, it's forgotten.
Pronouns like "they" without antecedent subjects are syntax expletives, interjection parts of speech that substitute for sentence subjects and rely upon later sentence context to provide meaning. Usually an impersonal pronoun, like it or that, or vague personal pronoun like they, syntax expletives hang out in front of a sentence and do not refer to an antecedent subject. Their issue is they're placeholder sentence subjects whose meaning isn't given until later in a sentence, if at all.
I'm not too fond of using "everyone" in that context either. Everyone is a superlative term like most, best, always, worst, ever, never, and so on. Superlatives are strong voice attitude expressions, especially for overstatement types of irony. Clarifying that sentence's intended attitude would clarify the voice. Otherwise, anyone is a clearer term.
Speaking of clarity, the conjunction "but" is usually used to connect strongly contrasting ideas. I don't see being "stronger, faster, and hotter" as particularly contrasting strongly with "rage and lust." If that second independent clause stood by itself without the conjunction, I think both it and the preceding independent clause would be stronger and clearer.
"Maybe" seems to be attempting continuation of the overstated voice, albeit abating the hyperbole a little. The term is a conditional rather than a superlative absolute, hence a little confusing.
Pronouns like "these" (as in "these emotions"), this, and those, contrary to other pronouns, prescriptively refer to a following subject. For example, This I know: I don't know it all. On the other hand, this, those, and these pronouns may refer to an overall subject or a preceding one in very close proximity. Their nonconventional use is also a voice feature usually associated with a language affectation. Regardless, a pronoun ought as best practice refer to a very close in proximity subject for clarity's sake. Perhaps replacing "these" with their might be stronger and clearer.
Second "but" conjuction in the second sentence signals an identical sentence construction to the first, again, joining two independent clauses. That one, though, is strongly contrasting ideas. Still, I think recasting into two sentences would have stronger and clearer meaning.
Look through the query and see how many of the sentences are structured identically. Not quite run-ons, but not varying in structure either. The basics are all there, only I think the whole and its parts could be clearer and hence stronger.
One nondiscretionary style point. "Seventeen year old" is conventionally hyphenated, as it is an adjective: seventeen-year-old.
Drafting the query I think is coming along strongly. A little reworking--reworking is for clarifying and strengthening meaning and voice--and I feel you'll have this query in working order.
posted
extrinsic, your insight is deeply helpful to me. I am going to work harder on sentence-level structure and will come back in a day or so with something that I hope is an improvement. All the comments on this thread have been wonderful.
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Werewolves are stronger, faster, and hotter than everyone else, full of rage and lust that makes it hard for them to function in human society. Maybe werewolves that have a functioning pack are able to handle their emotions, but seventeen-year-old Genny and her uncle Clayton are the only two werewolves they know. Together, they struggle, and often fail, to control their feelings towards the world and each other. Genny wants to break out of the dead end world of Halcyon Days Mobile Home Park, if not for herself, for her younger siblings, especially eight year old Austyn, who has a wolf inside him too. She can’t imagine how she’ll do it, until her stifling life is transformed by the arrival of Emmett, an odd, quiet boy, who is immune to her werewolf charm, but who loves the girl in her. Kicked out of her rut, Genny realizes that she has to get out of Halcyon Days, for all their sakes.
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posted
PAB, I like the latest version a lot more than the earlier ones, but I feel like you are giving too much away. It feels like a summary for the entire novel.
Genny is a werewolf who wants to leave the trailer park for herself and her brother. Then Emmett comes and kicks her out of her rut, and she gets the courage to leave. And I'm assuming that she does. The end.
So you leave us with a satisfying conclusion and no tension to make excited to find out what happens.
You don't give away the whole story in a query letter, just set up the major problem and the stakes.
Anyway, I really like the beginning of the query letter, but the ending falls flat. Here are some ideas I have to fix it.
quote:Werewolves are stronger, faster, and hotter than everyone else, full of rage and lust that makes it hard for them to function in human society. Maybe werewolves that have a functioning pack are able to handle their emotions, but seventeen-year-old Genny and her uncle Clayton are the only two werewolves they know.(this first part is great. Really sets up the situation in an interesting way) Together, they struggle, and often fail, to control their feelings towards the world and each other. (I'd like more from this part. This could really help set up the stakes. Give us some idea of how unhealthy this relationship is with specific details) Genny wants to break out of the dead end world of Halcyon Days Mobile Home Park, if not for herself, for her younger siblings, especially eight year old Austyn, who has a wolf inside him too. (what is keeping her from leaving? Why can't she just run away with her siblings? We need to know what is standing in the way of her goal) She can’t imagine how she’ll do it, (why? Once again what is keeping her from leaving, money, a job, her uncle, herself?)until her stifling life is transformed by the arrival of Emmett, an odd, quiet boy, who is immune to her werewolf charm, but who loves the girl in her. Kicked out of her rut, Genny realizes that she has to get out of Halcyon Days, for all their sakes.(I think this whole ending I italicized needs to be redone. Essentially you are telling us how Emmett helps her solve her problem, and it leaves us with no tension no reason to read on. Focus instead on how Emmett complicates her life and keeps her from her goal. Before you wrote that he causes a strain on her relationhship with her uncle. That might be a good angle. End with the stakes, what happens if she fails to get her family out, and what will she sacrifice if she does.)
The whole point of a query letter is to make the reader or agent want to read more. Good luck with this.
posted
MAP nailed it on the head. This reads like a coming of age story: girl hates her home life and the crumby town she lives in, boy comes into her life and shows her a better way. You have werewolves, for goodness sake, give the reader more anxiety. Raise the stakes. What horrible thing could happen if she stays? And, like MAP said: how does Emmett complicate her life? Then, infuse some voice into the whole thing--like when you introduce Emmett use the words Genny would use to describe him. Good luck.
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