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Author Topic: Sunny from Afaar - YA Sci-Fi
karentully
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My parents' custody agreement was like a jail sentence: bound to ruin my life, also proving difficult to escape. I would just have to do my time to get back to my life on Earth. Plus, I was at least somewhat curious about my mother, and Afaar.
“Veridian! Veridian Katje, over here!” I turned from my thoughts as we entered the Denver Expo Center, confused as a short man stuck a phone in my face and started taking video. No one called me Veridian, I didn’t go by Katje, and it wasn’t like I was a famous gymnast or anything. Yet.
“Uh, you’ve got the wrong person,” I replied, knowing he didn’t, turning away as he continued videoing with what looked like an i-phone, but thinner and cooler. I just got mine, and there was already a new model?

Sunny from Afaar is a 92,000 word, YA science fiction novel with a target audience of girls age 12+ and is the first of a planned trilogy. I'd appreciate feedback and to know if there's anyone interested in reading and commenting on the first 20 pages. Thanks! Karen

Brief summary: 15-year old elite gymnast Sunny Price can’t believe her dad is actually going through with the worst custody agreement in the universe. She has to give up her best friend and her shot at the Olympics to fight mutant birds, vampires, and a mother who only wants to give her orders? As if!

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Denevius
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Interesting opening. The first sentence deals with the stakes fairly well, though the sentence itself is a bit convoluted. I love colons, but maybe not so immediately in the prose like this. I had to read that line twice to get a meaning of what you're going for.

But you've set up the problem well in this opening, as well as the main character's motivation. And a story about a gymnast? That's different.

Either way, though I'm not the target audience, being neither 12 or female, I'll swap openings with you. How many words is your twenty pages?

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extrinsic
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The voice of the fragment stands out to me as both a strength and a shortcoming--decidely a fifteen-year-old female voice, though perhaps too sophisticated for that age and the target audience. Denevius notes an example in the colon use. The colon use is grammatically appropriate; however, on the too sophisticated side for young adult prose use. Used as an option for variety later on, timely, judicious colons could sneak in. Otherwise, an em dash is warranted instead of the colon.

The frament does upset emotional equilibrium, that's ideal, the first paragraph on the generic side and backstory in my estimation that could be developed later. The second paragraph more strongly upsets emotional equilibrium.

An antagonizing event that somewhat starts plot movement arises in the second paragraph--the paparazzo barges into Sunny's private space. Though to me that's on the bland side and feels like a setup for more backstory to come, though as a journalist's interview.

Writer surrogacy appeals to young readers more than older readers, suitable for the target audience. Surrogacy is a writer projecting self-idealization and self-efficacy into a narrative; in other words, surrogacy appeals to young people eager to stand out from the mass of their peers--popularity. Surrogacy may become overbearing and problematic later on, though, from a central agonist's (Sunny) inordinate ability to conquer obstacles, setbacks, and problems and satisfy wants and desires easily, that telegraphs outcomes.

The setting development is on the bland side, only a place name dropped--the Denver Expo Center.

Character development is strong though for me it's also kind of bland. Sunny is a person who modestly shys from the limelight but thrives on public exposure, popularity, and fame. That's, again, suited to the twelve-year-old-plus target audience. For young adult literature's coming of age convention, I suppose Sunny's struggles with that moral ambiguity--a modesty and popularity clash crisis, a conflict of acceptance or rejection--might carry the whole's subtext action: novel and trilogy.

Grammar faults: use of "as" as a time conjunction signaling contemporaneous actions. "I turned from my thoughts [as] we entered the Denver Expo Center, confused [as] a short man stuck a phone in my face and started taking video." and "I replied, knowing he didn’t, turning away [as] he continued videoing . . ." "As" is a correlation conjunction, for correlating related ideas to a main idea, not for connecting noncomtemporaneous events that are actually sequential.

Also a grammar fault: "I just got mine, and there was already a new model?" Comma and coordination conjunction splice. A semicolon is indicated instead, though, again, perhaps too sophisticated for the audience. Consider separate sentences for the stronger emphasis I feel is warranted: //I just got mine. Already there was a new model?//

Prescriptively, "there" or other pronoun starting a subordinate or main clause or sentence as its subject and no discernible subject referral given is a grammar vice, not per se a grammar fault. A vague pronoun subject reference as sentence or clause subject is known as a syntactical expletive. The idiomatic usage is consistent to the slang voice of fifteen-year-olds, may be a rhetorical virtue in that sense.

I feel this fragment is a mixed and unsettled bag of strengths and shortcomings in general. With promise, though. I think stronger reality imitation would strengthen and clarify the fragment's meaning and function: introductions and ongoing action--given in the reflected events, moment, place and situation as they unfold for Sunny. The second paragraph does that more artfully than the first.

[ June 08, 2014, 06:24 PM: Message edited by: extrinsic ]

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Grumpy old guy
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I would have to agree with most of what extrinsic has said with the following caveat:

While your use of 'as' may be grammatically incorrect, I took the context to be first person narrative--almost bordering on monologue. In such a context I feel the character's natural speech patterns, including personality ticks and quirks, are appropriate. I can quite easily accept a 15 year-old using the word 'as' in such a case.

All in all, I found the opening engaging and interesting. It sets up Sunny's immediate problem, a disruption to her 'normal' life, and hints at further complications to come. However, it lacks polish, but I wouldn't worry about that until you start your editing process.

Phil.

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wetwilly
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Extrinsic: According to the dictionary, "occurring at the same time" is a definition of "as," so I don't think that's a grammar mistake. If you can explain why I'm wrong, I will gladly accept the education.

I think your first line is a good, punchy attention grabber. I'm a big fan of short, punchy sentences with a lot of attack. I think it would have more impact if you ended it after "ruin my life." Everything after that in the sentence is already implied, anyway.

The rest of that 1st paragraph confuses me, but once the scene starts in paragraph 2, I find the scenario engaging.

[ June 08, 2014, 09:35 PM: Message edited by: wetwilly ]

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karentully
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quote:
Originally posted by Denevius:
Interesting opening. The first sentence deals with the stakes fairly well, though the sentence itself is a bit convoluted. I love colons, but maybe not so immediately in the prose like this. I had to read that line twice to get a meaning of what you're going for.

But you've set up the problem well in this opening, as well as the main character's motivation. And a story about a gymnast? That's different.

Either way, though I'm not the target audience, being neither 12 or female, I'll swap openings with you. How many words is your twenty pages?


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karentully
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quote:
Originally posted by Denevius:
Interesting opening. The first sentence deals with the stakes fairly well, though the sentence itself is a bit convoluted. I love colons, but maybe not so immediately in the prose like this. I had to read that line twice to get a meaning of what you're going for.

But you've set up the problem well in this opening, as well as the main character's motivation. And a story about a gymnast? That's different.

Either way, though I'm not the target audience, being neither 12 or female, I'll swap openings with you. How many words is your twenty pages?


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karentully
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Huh, my attempt at a reply did not seem to work. I'll try it this way. Thanks everyone! I'll drop that problematic colon! Interesting viewpoints on "as". I'll have to watch that in the future.

To Denevius: My 20 pages are about 5,675 words, but I'm open to a different amount. Since you are not a teen girl, you may hate it, but hopefully actual teen girls won't [Smile] What is your story genre?

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extrinsic
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quote:
wetwilly
Extrinsic: According to the dictionary, "occurring at the same time" is a definition of "as," so I don't think that's a grammar mistake. If you can explain why I'm wrong, I will gladly accept the education.

According to my array of dictionaries, grammar handbooks, style manuals, and English usage dictionaries, "as" as a solely time coordination conjunction is a grammar fault.

Informal usage in recent years has made "as" use as a coordination conjunction part of everyday slang and, consequently, fifth or so down recent dictionary lists of definitions as a substitute for when or while. The only dictionaries I find "occuring at the same time" definitions are ones like Bing's, Google's and such, that don't distinguish between slang vice and grammatical or rhetorical virtue.

Another grammar fault for conjunction use generally and coordination conjunction use specifically is connecting noncontemporaneous ideas, events, actions, sensations, whatever, etc., that are actually sequential.

"I turned from my thoughts as we entered the Denver Expo Center, confused as a short man stuck a phone in my face and started taking video." Does all this occur at the same time? I don't believe so. Six distinct events in a sequence, not all at once: conscious thoughts switched off, entered a building, confused effect causally inverted, reacted to prior to the cause, the short man barged in, stuck a phone up, started recording video.

Long sentences are a tipoff to a clunky sentence syntax, warrant close scrutiny, and perhaps recasting into separate sentences so that each main idea receives its due emphasis.

Let's see "as" used grammatically and rhetorically appropriately as a time and idea correlation and coordination conjunction.

As I walked down the lonesome trodden path, as gravel and mud squished between my toes, gross fungal slime mold, underfoot here and there, was nauseous as I went toward the brutal black light.

A periodic complex sentence: one main idea, walking, several related, contemporaenous ideas connected by "as" idea correlation conjunction and "as" simultaneously as a time coordination conjunction.

Though I am of several minds--as Grumpy old guy notes, slang use of "as" is consistent to contemporary fifteen-year-olds' everyday speech; therefore, idiomatic, perhaps virtue, no "wrong" or "right" about it per se--I fall in favor of deprecating the shortcoming of its slang use to join noncontemporaneous actions. Notwithstanding, I also favor slang that is rhetorically virtuous, artful, and not mere everyday, superficial slang. A challenge for artfully using slang is to have it sing like it is not everyday slang though appear natural and imitate everyday slang.

[ June 09, 2014, 04:20 AM: Message edited by: extrinsic ]

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jerich100
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Consider changing, “to ruin my life, also proving”, to “to ruin my life. It’s also proving”, because they’re separate thoughts.

Consider changing, “I would just have to do” to, “Even if I did, I’d have to do”.

Is Afaar his/her dad, brother, or uncle? Of course, you'll tell us later, but right now it’s like some random person thrown onto the stage for one second then yanked off with one of those long poles with hooks on the end. [Smile]

Shouldn’t, “I turned from my thoughts” be on a separate paragraph from the person who is shouting the Veridian name? Or is the POV character shouting the name?

Ahhh...Veridian/Katje is the POV character.

Try to avoid using the words “i-phone” because you want your story to be famous 100 years from now, and no one will know what an i-phone is.

I believe your lines read intelligently. I believe you put much thought into them. I suggest you keep writing, and periodically as you return the this first page you can update it because by then you’ll know better what is most important at the beginning of the story.

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Mark
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I got confused by two lines in your intro. She mentioned getting back to her life on Earth. In my mind I thought: human living on an extraterrestrial colony. Then the character entered the Denver Expo Center, which is on Earth.

Mark

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