posted
I have no idea if this is going to turn out to be a book or short story but, this is what I have so far:
I was sitting in my room with the door shut and Disturbed blasting through my speakers. It had become a habit lately of cranking my music up when I did it. Each thin wire felt lighter than the first. I didn't keep track of the time anymore. Today had been one of the worst days of my life. I walked into school praying that I could catch Matt before it was too late. I ran into the boys' bathroom. I stepped on something slick. My head cracked on a nearby sink as I fell. Disoriented, I braced my hand on the floor to keep the room from spinning when I touched something wet. My eyes refocused. Deep red. Gushing red. It trailed into the drain in the center of the room. Something told me not to look. But I did. Matt did it. He freed himself. But, why did he leave me all alone? I sat up against the bathroom wall, covered in his blood.
Posts: 114 | Registered: Feb 2014
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quote: It had become a habit lately of cranking my music up when I did it.
I found these two 'it's a bit confusing. I suppose the first could refer to the previous sentence but I had no idea what the second referred to.
quote: Each thin wire felt lighter than the first.
I felt very lost at this point. What wires, and what was happening with them?
quote: I didn't keep track of the time anymore. Today had been one of the worst days of my life. I walked into school praying that I could catch Matt before it was too late. I ran into the boys' bathroom. I stepped on something slick. My head cracked on a nearby sink as I fell.
This didn't ease my confusion. The narrator says it was the worst day in his life and then talks about going to school. I was unsure whether he was looking back here on why it had been the worst day ever or whether this was happening in the present. Also, I think you need to vary your sentence structure a little more: if you read those last three sentences of the above quote out loud then you'll notice they sound almost like a list. Short sentences are great, but only when used in moderation.
quote: Something told me not to look. But I did. Matt did it.
I'm not really picturing the scene here. Look at what? And when the narrator does, then we should know what he sees. Matt did what? Freed himself. But from what? And how did he free himself? Where's the blood coming from?
quote:But, why did he leave me all alone?
Don't think you need that comma. And how did Matt leave the narrator alone if he was already gone when the narrator got there?
I think you have the makings of a good opening here, but at the moment it feels a little rushed and I found it difficult to follow and to understand what was happening. Maybe if you slowed down a bit and let the reader settle into the story it could make for an easier and more enjoyable read.
Posts: 34 | Registered: Jul 2014
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