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mattb
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Time no longer existed. Time is memory of the past, and plans for the future. And that no longer held any meaning. Only then and there existed, only the moment existed. Only the taste of sweet blood in her mouth. To her it was the best taste in the world, she leaned over and took another bite. The meat was tough, and a little sour, but she was starving and savored every bite. Some old part of her might have been appalled at what she was doing, but that part didn't exist in the moment. The blood sated her thirst and the meat her hunger, giving her a new strength. With a wild grin on her face Guadeloupe swallowed and bit down again on Clyde's cheek. Then after a violent wrench of jaw muscles she pulled another piece off his face.
It wasn't really Clyde anymore, it was just his corpse.

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Grumpy old guy
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Perhaps it's just me, but the second sentence ruined the whole opening for me almost immediately. I'd close the cover there.

Time, or duration, is measured by the passage of events, not memories or plans; they are of the moment. At least that's my thumbnail explanation of time. The point is, by making such a bold statement about something everyone is sure they know, but usually don't, you run the risk of starting an argument with your reader instead of drawing them into your world.

By the end of the fifth sentence I was pretty sure she was drinking someone's blood; possibly a vampire tale, but I'm uncertain at this point.

Now, while this:
quote:
The blood sated her thirst . . .
is grammatically correct, it just doesn't read right to me. For thirst, I'd use slaked, for hunger I'd use sated. Good Golly! Moi talkin' 'bout grammar? [Smile]

Last, this:
quote:
. . . a violent wrench of jaw muscles . . .
Being a bit of a pedant, jaw muscles cannot wrench, this implies a sideways action, they can only clamp tighter.

Phil.

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Stoat
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Well, this isn't my sort of genre at all, so I wasn't going to comment. But to Phil's points, I tend to disagree -- the scene was completely appalling, which I think it was intended to be, and as some sort of zombie apocalypse scenario it seems to deliver. (Things are often said to be "wrenched free," by which I imagine something being securely clamped and then pulled out, and that's what you're describing. Perhaps slaked would be better, but neither wrenched nor sated were disruptive for me.) It's certainly impactful and vivid! I just feel that current storytelling is already saturated, SATURATED, with super-dark, apocalyptic stuff, and it's only getting darker, so on the one hand you might say, "Great, I'm riding the wave! There's a market for this!" But on the other hand, is that what you want to offer people? I'm just offering a philosophical pause. Good luck!
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wetwilly
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Yeah, it's gross. Yeah, it's shocking. I personally wouldn't likely keep reading for the same reason as Stoat; I'm not super-interested in zombie apocalypse stories. Who cares, though? Obviously that's the story you want to tell, and I'm only one of many potential readers. It doesn't matter how I would write it.

I found the prose smooth and engaging. If I wanted to read a zombie story, this one would probably pull me in. The opening image is certainly gripping.

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Denevius
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I'll echo others in that I totally hate the recent and undying zombie craze. But as Willy says, who cares, right? There is definitely a market for yet more zombie narratives.

My issue with the writing itself is that it doesn't fit the inner monologue of who it seems like the character is. The writing is smooth, as Willy says, but should it be? Should it be so analytical? I don't feel like I'm in a close third-person POV. Instead, I feel like there's someone in a very serene environment ornately narrating the character's impulses.

I don't know anything yet about your zombies, but from the description of her eating, I don't think she's a poet.

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wetwilly
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"The Poet Zombie." I'd read that.

Or "Zombie Poetics."

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Grumpy old guy
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What metre would you use?

Phil.

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extrinsic
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A poetic foot for zonbi expression might be trochee, which means to run. Trochee is the opposite of iamb, respectively, a long or stressed syllable followed by a short or unstressed syllable (hello), and vice versa for iamb (aside).

A dactyl foot is closest of the many poetic foot for an anatomical reference, means finger, for one long or stressed syllable followed by two short or unstressed syllables: (publicly).

What meter for zonbi poetry may consider hex, to place a hex on someone, as in six foot; twelve syllables for a dimeter like trochee, trochaic hexameter, and eighteen syllables for a trimeter like dactyl, dactylic hexameter. A main poetry consideration is accentual emphasis: trochee, da-dum, da-dum; dactyl, dum-dum-da, dum-dum-da. The former is anesis, diminished emphasis at the end; the latter is epitasis, amplified emphasis at the end. A loose foot, though, is only bound by an accentual verse of four or so accented syllables and several additional unaccented syllables per line regardless of foot, usually emphases at the ends of two sides of a line separated by a medial pause or caesura. (Woe though toe they the lone, the line.)

A poetics text, though, concerns aesthetics, not per se structural organization. Zonbi poetics may realize zonbi as one of two areas for process; that is, the Haitian direction in which a person's soul is dispossessed or the New Orleans direction in which a person is possessed by a foreign spirit.

Zonbi film media, though, assumes a biological agency rather than a spiritual one. Furthermore, film zonbi assumes a big-game-type slaughter for spectacle's sake, and avoids overt and direct one-to-one social-spiritual correspondence allusions; for example, say, to zonbi as the figuratively undead, sleepwalking mass-society of soulless strangers, emotionally indifferent and apathetic if not outright hostile to strangers' intrusions, and to anyone not of their private in-group. Zonbi media, therefore, can be interpreted as a coping mechanism for population stress pressures, of particular interest to agoraphobes.

[ March 10, 2015, 07:04 PM: Message edited by: extrinsic ]

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JSchuler
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Time no longer existed. Time is memory of the past, and plans for the future.

I feel like this line of thought goes on too long. I think I get what you're trying to say: the character had big plans--dreams--for the future, but by the time she had to resort to cannibalism, those things were luxuries she could no longer afford, or even had no right to. But, instead of coming out and saying this, you are using limited space to basically rephrase the same thought four times.

'Course, I also think the opening for a Tale of Two Cities lingers a bit too long past its welcome.

Aside from that, I like the rest of the opening.

quote:
Originally posted by Grumpy old guy:
What metre would you use?

Phil.

Use what has come before.
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mattb
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Thank you for the feedback, although this story isn't actually a zombie story. It is cannibalism, although not in the mindless plague sense. The character is forced to eat her dead peer due to starvation. I'll consider re-working the first three sentences, even though I personally like them. But if they don't read well it's not worth it.
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Stoat
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It took a few passes for about 60% comprehension, but it's appreciated, Extrinsic. Good grief. (One more pass - 70%!)

quote:
Originally posted by extrinsic:
A poetic foot for zonbi expression might be trochee, which means to run. Trochee is the opposite of iamb, respectively, a long or stressed syllable followed by a short or unstressed syllable (hello), and vice versa for iamb (aside).

A dactyl foot is closest of the many poetic foot for an anatomical reference, means finger, for one long or stressed syllable followed by two short or unstressed syllables: (publicly).

What meter for zonbi poetry may consider hex, to place a hex on someone, as in six foot; twelve syllables for a dimeter like trochee, trochaic hexameter, and eighteen syllables for a trimeter like dactyl, dactylic hexameter. A main poetry consideration is accentual emphasis: trochee, da-dum, da-dum; dactyl, dum-dum-da, dum-dum-da. The former is anesis, diminished emphasis at the end; the latter is epitasis, amplified emphasis at the end. A loose foot, though, is only bound by an accentual verse of four or so accented syllables and several additional unaccented syllables per line regardless of foot, usually emphases at the ends of two sides of a line separated by a medial pause or caesura. (Woe though toe they the lone, the line.)

A poetics text, though, concerns aesthetics, not per se structural organization. Zonbi poetics may realize zonbi as one of two areas for process; that is, the Haitian direction in which a person's soul is dispossessed or the New Orleans direction in which a person is possessed by a foreign spirit.

Zonbi film media, though, assumes a biological agency rather than a spiritual one. Furthermore, film zonbi assumes a big-game-type slaughter for spectacle's sake, and avoids overt and direct one-to-one social-spiritual correspondence allusions; for example, say, to zonbi as the figuratively undead, sleepwalking mass-society of soulless strangers, emotionally indifferent and apathetic if not outright hostile to strangers' intrusions, and to anyone not of their private in-group. Zonbi media, therefore, can be interpreted as a coping mechanism for population stress pressures, of particular interest to agoraphobes.


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extrinsic
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Stoat, A little poetry, a little rhetoric, a little aesthetics poetics, a little prosody go a long way for spicing prose. The journey is long and rewarding. Though at first challenging to comprehend, the more writing knowledge acquired the easier to understand and apply the knowledge becomes.
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