posted
Massive re-write in progress thanks to everything I am absorbing from the learned folks of Hatrack (and no, I'm not buttering you up). Here are my 13 lines. I've got 18 more chapters of 13 line fragments to share but I won't torture you all at once. Takes place in 880 AD Britain. Target audience is middle schoolers (6th-8th grade...12-14 years old). Fantasy.
Goat Face filled a cup with ale and handed it to Pippa. She choked it down with a single swallow. Pippa then slammed the empty cup onto the table and wiped dribble from her mouth. Everyone at the table cheered, gulping ale from their own horns and cups. The bitter drink burned Pippa’s throat and it tasted awful, but she liked being drunk. Her mission was to become extremely drunk. Everybody laughed at something because everything was hilarious. The feasting hall was so full of happiness that Pippa wondered why she didn’t drink more often.
Pippa forgot Goat Face’s real name, but his laugh sounded like the bleat of a goat so she decided that nickname would do well. Another boy she had similarly nicknamed - Horse Face - sat next to her on the bench.
The narrative distance is close enough for this part, made so by the first sentence subject being a personal nickname for a boy. Artfully done.
Nicknames were common to the era, more common than the statutory names of later ages. "Real names" either weren't used or didn't exist then. Depended on class status. Higher status individuals' names were more distinctive and durable than commoners' were. "Nickname," though is problematic, too on the nose direct and modern for me.
Because the target audience is middle to late childhood, several considerations to take into account: How old is Pippa now? She was age six the last chapter. Middle grade readers read up in age, read young adult and, ergo, favor central characters a year or two older than themselves, not younger, maybe the same age though precociously more emotionally mature or at least operant at maturer activities. Maybe the first chapter is a prelude to the main action and from here on out Pippa is middle childhood-young adult age?
Thirteen is the liminal age between middle and late childhood and its attendant adulthood onset complication transitions. Thirteen-year-olds, though, read age sixteen or so, content anyway, not language skills per se. Fourteen is the minimum age of the era and today for platonic romantic interactions. Plus, by that age, maidens of the era are betrothed to much older males. Middle childhood readers are more age conscious than might be assumed herein, as well as in general.
The language of the fragment is more sophisticated than the target audience uses. Part of that consideration is use of connective words like conjunctions, prepositions, particles, and adverbs in particular: but, so, then, extremely, similarly. for examples. None of those words are necessary to the meanings their context uses intend. They could be excised, their sentences recast, or more emotionally robust words used instead.
This conjunction use is a grammar glitch: "real name, but" "but" is a contrast conjunction. Goat Face's real name and his bleat laugh are not contrastive ideas.
These two sentences connect two actions that suggest they are coordinated as contemporaneous though are sequential. "Goat Face filled a cup with ale and handed it to Pippa." "Pippa then slammed the empty cup onto the table and wiped dribble from her mouth." Best practice is to separate the clauses into independent sentences that portray sequential actions or, contrarily, one sentence that contains a three-item serial list, three actions. The emotional charge is flat, too, and best practice could be part of the sentences, ideally escalates emotion for the intensity arc for which opening sentences ask.
This sentence contains a preposition glitch: She choked it down _with_ a single swallow. "With" connects contemporaneous actions and such, not conjoins a single action's further detail. In is the suitable preposition, problematic though. "In" can be easily overused, and prepositions overused generally.
Also, "choked" and "a single swallow" are at odds with each other. Choked is forced and difficult swallowing contrary to a single easy swallow. Guzzled is a clearer and stronger word, and easily within the language aptitude of a middle childhood child and late childhood readers.
This is a stranded participle, similar to a dangled participle, except at a sentence end instead of a start. "Everyone at the table cheered, gulping ale from their own horns and cups." Clause inversion to the more conventional participle first, then main clause adjusts that sentence for testing of dangle or strand: //Gulping ale from their own horns and cups, everyone at the table cheered.// The subject referent "everyone" works for both clauses, the two actions don't. If they gulp and cheer at the same time, they will choke, thus, are not contemporaneous actions. This is the same consideration of contemporaneous or sequential actions as above. In any case, stranded or dangled participle. Not the subject referent, the actions stand apart.
Matters of authenticity stand out, like that the ale is bitter. Ale at the time was not hopped or gruited, bitter herbs added. Ale was made fast and cheap then, was the main beverage of the era. The water of the age was almost undrinkable. Most people regardless of age drank small ale "beer" (weak or diluted beer). Ale was only water, malt, and yeast, boiled, next fermented several days, then drank, no hops or other bitter herbs added. The malt sugar content was higher than could be fermented into alcohol and the malt character was sweet, about as sweet as the candy malted milk balls.
This sentence is almost profound: "Everybody laughed at something because everything was hilarious." Almost in that it entails a proverbial value that is undeveloped. They laugh at anything and everything, funny or not, the proverbial emotional hyperbole conduct of drunk tipplers. The next drunk stage is maudlin sorrow and sentimental camaraderie. Proverbial. Consider //Everyone laughed at anything because everything was funny -- funny or not.//
The last paragraph is out of a natural sequence, probably best placed before the first sentence, its context and texture anyway. The language and grammar are similar to glitch considerations enumerated above.
"Table" and "bench" and where and when this setting is are matters, too, of authenticity. The fragment is shy of needed setting detail development. Is this outdoors? Inside, what, a longhouse, a stone croft, wattle-and-daub wicker works, or castle hall?
"Table" implies a fixed piece of crafted furniture. Tables of the era were commonly rough boards placed on any old thing: crates, saw horses, trestles, logs, etc., so they could be easily set out of the way when the open space was needed for other activities -- indoor swordplay, dances, wrestling, rowdy horseplay generally.
Long benches likewise were bulky. Single seats were the more common seating arrangements and likewise any old thing that would do -- barrels, crates, logs, buckets. A head person usually had the seat of honor and thus might be a sturdy chair, likely the only chair, and crude or ornate.
For me, the matter of setting development is the more standout shortfall of the fragment. Event is fully realized, if the grammar and language are a mite bumpy -- a kinship group drinks ale and becomes giddy. Two boys of indeterminate age pay Pippa attention, welcome or unwelcome, at least she's wary from they have goat- and horse-like qualities, and she wants to get very drunk for some as yet unknown reason. That's a want-problem complication of sufficient magnitude artfully developed adequately. What can go wrong? That implied question is artfully developed and the dramatic action implies something will soon go terribly amiss. Well done that.
Character development of the moment is sufficient, except, what age Pippa is now is left unclear. Old enough to drink ale instead of milk -- the beverage of the era for early childhood children, older than her six years she is in the first chapter.
I might could read on, curious about what the outcome of the drunken celebration might be, and what's to come of Goat Face and Horse Face's attentions to Pippa. Though -- the accumulation of glitches begins to wear.
posted
Thank you for the very thorough review. Since you 'might' read on, I will take that as an improvement from my first chapter for which no one would read on! (Hence the re-write).
Yes, you are right about: use of nicknames, as well as the word itself 'nickname'; the first chapter is set 7 years earlier and now it picks up with older characters; everything about the expectations regarding young marriages and how gender roles and responsibilities are defined at a younger age; 11 year old's like to read about 13 years old's, etc.
Pippa is now 13. You find that out on page 2 of this chapter. I should probably inject the passage of time somewhere much earlier.
I understand the conjunction and prepositional glitches and can fix. It is very obvious now that you pointed them out. Is there an easy way to critique one's own work for these kinds of glitches, other than knowing to specifically look for them?
Benches were commonplace then, as were chests, barrels, whatever was the right height to sit upon. I can make a small adjustment, though.
Milk/buttermilk were standard drinks for children, but ale/mead was the beverage of choice for adults and older children. Wine was incredibly rare. I have an Old Norse ale recipe which I made - it was utterly disgusting. Heroes and characters in the sagas drink mostly ale sometimes beer and oftentimes those two drinks are presented interchangeably. Articles and books that discuss the drinks of the age are sometimes contradictory. Many say hops were added, a few say no. I took a little freedom with that.
quote:Originally posted by dmsimone: I understand the conjunction and prepositional glitches and can fix. It is very obvious now that you pointed them out. Is there an easy way to critique one's own work for these kinds of glitches, other than knowing to specifically look for them?
The easy way, unfortunately, is the hard way: study and practice that soon becomes second nature. When I write or read, I look for sentence structure that serves the many purposes of syntax organization and, consequently, punctuation therefor, plus, for most composition purposes, emphasis arc.
One main principle is one idea per sentence, regardless of sentence type. A fused (run-on) sentence falsely joins unrelated ideas. Based upon two grammar concepts, parallelism and coordination, true connections relate sole subjects, sole predicates, and sole objects, for simple sentences anyway.
Same two grammar principles -- complex sentences add other subject, predicate, or object phrases that modify a main idea and are dependent upon the main idea of the main clause. A prefatory participle clause, for example.
Running headlong downhill, he tripped on a tree root.
Compound sentences, same grammar principles, connect two or more independent sentences of related main ideas, or that artfully imply the main ideas are connected. "Conjunction splice" and "comma splice" are labels used for those grammar glitches. Compound sentences usually take a semicolon instead of a conjunction or comma to splice independent clauses together. A conjunction word may or may not be indicated as well as a semicolon. Alternatively, a colon or dash could be used instead of a semicolon -- for stronger emphasis progression.
The black bear of Canyon Mountain stood at the door. It meant to come inside.
The black bear of Canyon Mountain stood at the door; [and] it meant to come inside.
The black bear of Canyon Mountain stood at the door: It meant to come inside. (Initial capital case for first word, second clause if after a colon and the second clause is independent.)
The black bear of Canyon Mountain stood at the door -- [but] it meant to come inside.
Those latter three above are methods for complex and compound sentence management that obviate conjunctions, though no less require relevant idea connections between clauses.
Plus punctuation for a multitude of other separation and emphasis mischief functions, Noah Lukeman's A Dash of Style covers prose punctuation arts comprehensively. Low $$s cost.
For preposition glitches, related ideas is still a grammar principle consideration. Preposition selection management might resort to a dictionary for nuances of which to use when, where, and why, what preposition, and related to a predicate's object. Prepositions are the transitional part -- the connector word -- between predicate and object phrases. Another principle is to use prepositions, any connector word, sparingly, timely, and judiciously. Multiple object phrases, multiple phrases generally, can untimely slow or stall reading pace and reduce comprehension.
Other considerations related to conjunction and preposition functions and glitches arise for complex, compound, and complex-compound sentences. Those are considerations of subject, predicate, and object compliment phrases that modify their main subject, predicate, or object phrases, respectively. Loose and periodic sentences, for example, might be long, contain more than one or two subject, predicate, object, and compliment phrases, and difficult to follow if more than one main idea is at a sentence's kernel expression intent.
A loose sentence starts with the main idea and is followed by multiple dependent and independent clauses and compliment phrases that modify the main idea. A periodic sentence likewise contains multiple clauses; however, the main idea is at the end: Earlier clauses are dependent and compliment and develop the main idea's context and texture beforehand.
However, long sentences can lose younger target audiences' attention. Best practice for seventh grade average reading and comprehension skill is simple sentences -- subject and predicate or subject, predicate, and object, mostly and, for variety, a few brief complex (entails a dependent clause) or compound sentences, (two, maybe three brief, joined independent clauses), a few, if any, brief complex-compound sentences, and very few, if any, maybe later when indicated for emphasis, brief loose or periodic sentences.
For demonstration, a recast of this fragment's two opening lines:
//Goat Face poured her a cup of ale, looked into it at a black gnat, and handed the full cup to Pippa. She guzzled the draft in a single swallow. Wiping the dribble from her mouth, one handed -- the other hand -- she banged the emptied cup onto the table.//
Also of utility for self-editing is to hold nearby a list of English's hundred most common words (Wikipedia). Many of those words are problematic articles and particles and conjunctions and prepositions when used by cavalier, everyday conversation habit. Adverbs, other than particles used for two-word verbs, their prose function _boils down to_ emotional commentary. During revision, search out those hundred words and any adverb and evaluate whether those are necessary, manageable in number and syntax, and whether they serve their connection, etc., emotional, emphasis, functions. With practice, this soon becomes second nature.
("Boils down to" is a three-word verb example, "down" the particle adverb, "to" the particle preposition. Particles can also otherwise be prepositions or adverbs. Dictionary definitions include articles, conjunctions, and some interjections as particles; grammar handbooks limit particles to two-word and rare three-word verbs' adverbs and prepositions. Moses "got with" the Book -- "with," preposition particle.)
With study and practice, this soon becomes second nature. Why bother? I am often asked. An effectual grammar aptitude strengthens and clarifies creative and artful expression, and enhances publication likelihood. Weak grammar is an easier decline -- and a generic No-thank-you, not-at-this-time form, at that -- than most other publishers' rejection excuses.
About eighty percent grammar comprehensive is The Little, Brown Handbook. $$$, though.
posted
For what this is worth: ale itself is the ready-to-drink beverage. Beer is prepared wort that the yeast is added to and fermentation begun. Technically anyway.
Bitter herb wort additives began later in Britain than elsewhere across Europe. For the era, British ales typically didn't involve hops or gruits.
Ale also is a different preparation than lager, a Czech innovation, what most "beer" made today is -- lager. Ale was, again, made quick and cheap. The process was as few steps in as short a time as practical to produce a potable beverage: malted grain measured and crushed, mash in, mash (steep), malt break (a temperature rest that allows maltase enzymes to convert plant starches to malt sugars), sparge and lauter, decant wort, boil wort, let wort cool, pitch in yeast, ferment beer several days in summer and more in winter, ten days maybe, dispense ale. Summer ale ferments faster than winter ale and tastes more appealing because fewer bacterial contaminants grow in the shorter time.
Bitter herb additions slow or check bacterial growth, why they're added, though brewers didn't know about bacteria until much later in time. They only knew ale was less perishable when bitter herbs were added. Bacteria consume the precious malt sugars and turn those into vinegar, sour the beer before it's ready to drink.
Ale, due to the quick preparation, is cloudy from unfiltered sediment fines. Lager, on the other hand, is crystal clear from "lagering." The beer is set aside in cold, above freezing and below 45 degrees Fahrenheit, or 0 to 10 degrees Remur (brewers' thermometer scale) and dark conditions, Czech mountain caves at first. The sediments settle out in about two weeks. The sparkly lager is then ready to drink. Hops or gruits were necessary antibacterials to preserve the beer during lagering.
Gruiting began in Britain at about the time of the novel's milieu, though much protested and slow to spread. Hopping followed behind in quick succession and soon outpaced gruiting.
Curiously, ales are more desirable in winter and lagers more desirable in summer; however, before refrigeration innovations, ales were made in summer and lagers in winter. Nothing like a crisp, refreshing lager on a hot summer's workday.
I was a brewer once upon a time, and vintner, shiner, distiller, baker, cheesemaker, etc., an educated and work-trained zymurgist (fermentation scientist), as it were. I worked in a commercial microbrewery for a spell.
For this novel's chapter, the ale could be soured and preserve authenticity and the context intent. Sour beer, too, intoxicates quicker and causes the worst hangover.
posted
Seven years., Phil. I realize I need to make that clear a lot sooner...it was on page 2 of chapter 2 and is now on page 1 of chapter 2, just not in the first 13 lines.
I was also thinking - the last 13 lines of a chapter are just as important as the first 13 lines of a chapter because you want the reader to keep turning the pages. I am wondering if it is more appropriate to post those.
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posted
Hatrack's thirteen lines principle is based upon a feature from Standard Manuscript Format's page format. A first page contains a page sink, no body content above halfway down the page, though title, byline, and header in the page sink area. Twenty-five lines per page formatted, thirteen lines is the body content of the first page. Screening readers base acceptance or decline decisions, reading on or not, on a first page's content.
The reason why first thirteen lines is openings only is that above, to engage screening readers, readers generally, from the first page so they read on.
The matter of the time transition, the seven years elapsed between the first and second chapter, could be managed by a transition at the end of chapter one, by a non-chapter interlude page or section, or the transition given at the start of the second chapter. The transition could be as simple as a prefatory line to start the second chapter: Seven years later. An interlude non-chapter page could contain a few simple words: Seven years passed. Or the transition could be set up at the end of chapter one, like, Little did Pippa know Dad would be seven years away. That latter one implies all that's needed for a short story time transition. For a novel, the transition setup and follow through could consume more word count at the end of a prior chapter and the start of a subsequent chapter. Or all three methods. Most timely and artful to begin a subsequent chapter with a dramatic transition, though, a surprise time transition.
Anyway, last thirteen, instead of first thirteen is generally frowned upon here because that doesn't meet the intents of thirteen lines' skill development: readers don't start to read several pages into a narrative. They may skip there after a start engages them or not bother to read on because a first thirteen lines doesn't engage them.
posted
I'd recommend combining the second and third sentences together, something like this:
quote:Pippa choked it down with a single swallow, then slammed the empty cup onto the table and wiped the dribble from her mouth.
(I should note, I added 'the' before 'dribble' because it made more sense in my head for some reason.)
It might be more appropriate to say 'had forgotten' in the first sentence of paragraph two than 'forgot'.
There are a few other grammatical issues that made my internal editor kick on (I'm not fond of 'ing' words, overall) and some of the wording seemed a touch simplistic if Pippa has aged since the last chapter (which she clearly has), but on the whole I enjoyed this opening. I would read on.
Quick side-note: You might want to change Goat Face's nickname to Bleater or some such, simply to help distinguish him from Horse Face. (Also, because it's his laugh she's basing the nickname on, not his face.)
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posted
Extrinsic - Thanks for the time dilation tips. I understand the reasoning behind the 13 line choice very well...was just curious about submitting other fragments. In addition, potential readers might pick up a book and open it up in the middle and start reading just to see if they like the work. (True for those of us who actually still enjoy visiting book stores and don't depend wholly on Amazon). That behooves the author to ensure the start of every chapter is the best it can be.
Peony - Thank you for the feedback! I like your suggestions. Yes, some poor grammar choices exist which I have fixed (and am now fixing throughout my work as best as I am able). I am SO HAPPY you would continue to read.
posted
Within a narrative there are certain places where the story can most naturally 'jump' from one place to another, one viewpoint to another, or one time to another--scene breaks and chapter breaks. For me, changes in location are easily handled with a simple change of scene within a chapter: When Samson walked into his office . . ., Back in her apartment . . ., etc.. The same treatment can be used with small 'time-slips': Later that evening . . ., On the following Saturday . . ., A month later . . ., etc.. However, for changes in viewpoint character and larger passages of time I consider it best practice to confine these to chapter breaks--with the change addressed at the beginning of the new chapter rather than the end of the old.
All that being said, and knowing that seven years have passed, it should come as no surprise that I would think that best practice requires the reader be reacquainted with the character. Pippa is twice the age she was when last we saw her (assuming there are no other 'time-jumps'). She will have changed, her hopes and dreams will have been adjusted to reflect changed perceptions of what the world is really like. She will not be the same girl we last met. At the age of thirteen Pippa has some serious decisions to make about her future. In Norse society she can be anything she wants to be; Norse women in 800AD were more 'liberated' than women of the 1950's and 60's. What does she want to be: a farmer, a wife, a warrior?
My next concern is with the additional names Pippa has given her companions. In Norse and Anglo-Saxon culture names have power. Names carry and bestow the attributes of those Heroes who have carried them before. Names are only given by Fathers, Leaders, Chieftains, and Kings. To give someone a deliberately disparaging additional name is to insult them and ensure bloodshed. Below is a listing from etymology online concerning the word 'nickname'. As an interesting aside, the word hilarious was first used in 1823; hardly a word Pippa would be familiar with.
nickname (n.) mid-15c., misdivision of ekename (c. 1300), an eke name, literally "an additional name," from Old English eaca "an increase," related to eacian "to increase" (cognate with Old Norse auknafn, Swedish öknamn, Danish ögenavn; see eke. As a verb from 1530s. Related: Nicknamed; nicknaming.
quote:Originally posted by Grumpy old guy: As an interesting aside, the word hilarious was first used in 1823; hardly a word Pippa would be familiar with.
This brings up an interesting dilemma. On the one hand, 'hilarious' is a more modern word than the setting of this tale (approximately 193 years old at this point in time). On the other, Pippa arguably speaks and thinks in another language entirely.
It's up to every author to bridge the gap between realism and their story to reach a balance that achieves clarity and immersion. The word 'hilarious' may not have been around in English during that time period--but, hell, English as we know it wasn't around during that time period. There may well have been a Germanic phrase or bit of slang (because there's always slang) that meant something similar.
While I do understand and appreciate the idea of keeping word choices within the mileau of the story, the word 'hilarious' didn't strike me personally as being out of place.
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posted
Seven years., Phil. I realize I need to make that clear a lot sooner...it was on page 2 of chapter 2 and is now on page 1 of chapter 2, just not in the first 13 lines.
I was also thinking - the last 13 lines of a chapter are just as important as the first 13 lines of a chapter because you want the reader to keep turning the pages. I am wondering if it is more appropriate to post those.
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quote:Originally posted by Grumpy old guy: As an interesting aside, the word hilarious was first used in 1823; hardly a word Pippa would be familiar with.
This brings up an interesting dilemma. On the one hand, 'hilarious' is a more modern word than the setting of this tale (approximately 193 years old at this point in time). On the other, Pippa arguably speaks and thinks in another language entirely.
It's up to every author to bridge the gap between realism and their story to reach a balance that achieves clarity and immersion. The word 'hilarious' may not have been around in English during that time period--but, hell, English as we know it wasn't around during that time period. There may well have been a Germanic phrase or bit of slang (because there's always slang) that meant something similar.
While I do understand and appreciate the idea of keeping word choices within the [milieu] of the story, the word 'hilarious' didn't strike me personally as being out of place.
Consider that "hilarious" is a four-syllable word. Age thirteen, even within today's education conventions, stumbles over four-syllable words. In Common Era year 880 education conventions, the word might only be within the grasp of the more sophisticated scholars, re: Latin hilarus and Greek hilaros. Mirth or merry and their derivatives are closer to the era's language and milieu education conventions.
For me, though, the "hilarious" use points up a different consideration, that of a tell, when show could perhaps be more artful. Show a non-hilarious situation the group laughs at, one of, say, Pippa's actions. For example, when she chugs the ale and slams the cup onto the table, everyone laughs. Then the tell is a private emotional thought reaction of Pippa's to the pointless laughter; in other words, a received reflection reported by the narrator -- shown. She then thinks, or simply recast, //Everyone laughed at anything -- laugh worth or not.// Or the like.
posted
I'm with Phil (Grumpy) on "hilarious" because it has an anachronistic feel to it. There are enough other ways to express that idea without using a word that risks throwing readers out of the story.
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Historically speaking, chapter breaks have always been seen as the moment when a reader would pause and close the book for the night. Also, historically, a page turner referred to the construction of a printed book and not the structure of a story.
During the publishing process the writer and the book's typesetter would collaborate to ensure, as well as they could, that the end of every odd numbered page (right hand side of the open book) ended in a 'cliff-hanger' of one sort or another; the simplest being cutting off in the middle of a sentence.
Of course this is redundant nowadays with the advent of electronic publishing and page formatting by the user (reader).
posted
I can't begin to say how valuable your input has been! I recognize everyone who has responded in this thread. 13 lines of material really does generate a wealth of feedback. And the good thing is that all of this feedback is applicable to the larger work. I've only posted two 13 line segments and am already aware of the following:
1. passive voice (which I'm still learning to grasp), 2. avoid introducing too many characters at once, 3. sentence construction / avoiding awkwardness, 4. show emotional development, 5. show character motivations, 6. be wary of anachronisms and modern dialogue, 7. be smart about nicknames (noting that "nickname" itself is an anachronism), 8. be technical about grammar; look it up if I'm unsure, 9. dark age ale is sour! 10. don't go overboard with compound sentences; but some variety is ok, 11. there are easy ways to explain the passage of time.
Not to mention some thoughtful historical conversations! Thanks again.
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quote:Originally posted by dmsimone: 13 lines of material really does generate a wealth of feedback. And the good thing is that all of this feedback is applicable to the larger work.
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